INSIDE THE PERVERTED MIND OF DOUGIE POYNTER
by OFFICIAL CHOPS WRITING
Summary: Ever wondered what Dougie really thinks and what really goes on with McFly when the cameras are off? Well, here is the inside scoop all from Dougie's point of view.
1. Chapter 1

INSIDE THE PERVERTED MIND OF DOUGIE POYNTER

AUTHOR NOTE: I DO NOT OWN MCFLY, OR ANY OF THE MEMBERS. (TOO BAD) THIS IS JUST A FANFICTION PIECE, PLEASE REVIEW AND ENJOY. MUCH LOVE TO ALL WHO READS THIS.

MONDAY

I never know how to start off a journal? Is there a correct way to do it? Anyhow, I had just opened you up when Harry glances over and sees me writing in my notebook. "Why are you writing in purple pen, Dougie? You know that purple is for girls." I look up and shoot him a dirty look. "Yeah? Why do you have a dildo in your mouth? Dildos are for girls." I shoot back. Danny hears this and the soda that he was drinking came out his nose. "That was sick!" He sputtered as Tom walked into the door. "Nothing!" I snarl at him as I dash to my room. Can't I guy write in his jounral in peace? Not in this fuckin' house.

.......

Damn, I just can't think today. All I can think about is dippin' my wick. I don't see that happening anytime soon. Harry and Tom have gone to see a film and Danny is outside gardening.... Gardening?! I rush to the window and peer out. Sure enough, Danny is outside in the garden with his ass up in the air. That's driving me crazy. I can't take this any more. I've gotta jerk it before I explode. I've got plenty of time before those two get back and Danny is totally into his planting.

I grab my favorite lotion out of the night table and toss it onto my bed. Now to select a film of my own to enjoy. Hmmm. Cafe Vagina or Cum Academy. I'm really in the mood for some hard-core shit, so I pull out The Crotch-A-Teria and pop it into the player. I take off my pants and drop my boxers by the bed. Yeah...About ten minutes into the film I hear footsteps coming up the stairs. What the fuck? Can't write in peace, can't get myself off in peace. I need my own apartment. I hear Danny calling my name and him approaching my door. I can't stop coming! It feels so good; almost done. Before I can finish the door swings open and Danny stands in my doorway. Even through all the dirty on his face, I can still see the look of shock. "I-it's...It's not what you think!" Danny grins at me and comes in and jumps on my bed. "Having a single huh?" He asks me with an eyebrow raised. "Get the fuck out of here! I don't come in and join you when you are petting the weasel." Danny grabs the lotion off of my nightstand not listening to me. "Is this stuff any good?" He asks. "Yeah it is!" I say forgetting that I'm pissed at him. Danny takes the lotion and stands up. "Hurry up! I wanna go out for coffee, but I don't want to go alone." I shoot him a dirty look, but then give in. "Okay, give me about five minutes and I'll be ready to go." Danny hugs me. "You are the best, Dougie!" He says. Danny kisses me on the cheek and vacates the room. Hurried out of my pleasure and now I have to buy a new bottle of lotion. Motherfucker.

.....

Coffee with Danny is an event, but getting there is even more of an event. Danny has to be the worst driver in all of England. This year so far we have gone through four cars and I have ended up in the hospital eight times. I think that he should have his license taken away before I get killed. He drives with his ipod on, blackberry in one hand, cell phone in the other and the radio is blasting over everything that he has going. He drives with his knees and hardly looks at the road. No need to wonder why Tom does most of the driving. Thankfully we make it to the cafe with no accidents. Even though we almost hit 12 kids, a school bus and a dog, we get there safely. He pulls up on the side of the curb and turns off the radio. As soon as Danny gets out of the car I grab the keys from him. "I'm driving on the way home. I would like to make it home in one piece." Danny dangles the keys out of my reach. "We made it hear and you are still breathing." I give up and head into the cafe.

I'm in the mood for tea so I get my cup and sit down at a booth. Danny joins me a few minutes later with his coffee. He takes his sunglasses off and puts on of the earpieces in his mouth. "You fuckin' hungry or something?" I ask him. "Nah, uh." He says not taking his eyes off what he is looking at. He moans and takes a sip of his coffee. "Are you having an orgasm over there? Don't be jerking it under the table. If you have to do it, go out to the car. Have some fuckin' decency." I turn around to see what he is looking at and I stare too. The hottest girl that I have ever seen is sitting at one of the tables by the window reading a book. Her cleavage is winking me in the face and I whip around before I start to get hard.

"Damn, she is f-i-n-e FINE." Danny says, his attention back on me. "Yeah she is. I wonder if she would fancy a go." Without missing a beat Danny says, "You already had a go earlier." I turn beat red and sip my tea. "I should poke her in the whiskers if I get the chance." I nearly swallow the lid to my tea. I cough and sputter for a moment and then look up at him. "Poke who where?" I wheeze out. Before he can get up and try to hit her up, her boyfriend comes over and sits down with her. "Well isn't that bloody rotten?" He looks really depressed over this. After a moment he looks up at me and says, "Let's get back. I've got to water my sunflowers." He picks up his coffee and pulls me out of the booth. I hate being smaller than him. That reminds me! This one time I had a dream I was able to knock the shit out of him when he held my old diary over my head. That was one of the best dreams that I ever had.

I am knocked out of my dream world as Danny starts the car. "I thought that I was going to drive." Danny ignores me and turns on the radio. Please God let me make it home alive. Backing up he runs over a post box, but doesn't stop. He pulls away with the flattened post box caught under the bumper. He wheels into the driveway and nearly hits Tom's car. I am still clutching the seat belt long after Danny is out of the car. I see him go around out back with a watering can. The mud out back is really thick and I wonder how Danny is going to get through all of that. My curiosity gets the best of me and I pull my nails out of the seat belt and get out of the car to go and see how Danny is doing. Too bad I don't have that clear of a view from here.

By the time that I get to Danny in the backyard he is up to his knees in the thick mud. I swear that he is as thick as the mud that he is stuck in. I lean over to help him out of the mud, forgetting that he is a little bit bigger than me. Maybe if I was a better student and attended my physics class, I would have known that I would have landed in the mud too. I land in the mud and knock Danny over on my way down. My head is in Danny's crotch and before I have the time to move Tom and Harry pull up in Harry's car. FUCK! Tom sees us in this position and nearly explodes with laughter. Then that pompous asshole calls Harry around to see us. My arm is stuck in the mud and I can't move. Danny is flat on his back and both of us have mud all over. Harry comes around with the video camera and gets the mud moment on DVD. Why did I even bother getting out of bed today?

…….

At least my bubbly bath is wonderful. Soaking in the warm soapy water I finally am able to relax. Just as I sink down into the water I hear someone pounding on the door. "Dougie!!" The door slams open and I inhale a whole bunch of the water. "What do you want Tom? I am kind of in the middle of something here." "Oh right. What did I come in here for? Well, at least I didn't walk in on you playing with yourself!" Tom laughs at his own joke and I sink down to the bottom of the bathtub. Tom sees me and blushes. "Sorry. I didn't know about that. I'm not going to ask either…. maybe tonight. Anyway, I wanted to ask you how to make and erotic cake." I feel all the knowledge that I have drain out of my head and into my bath water. "A what cake?" "An erotic cake." So my ears were not deceiving me, I did hear what I thought that I heard. "How the fuck should I know?! Go ask Danny!" Tom gets his dick in a knot and snorts at me. "Humph. You don't have to act like an asshole about it." Tom leaves and I finally have the peace.

"Just smash open his house!" I hear Danny yell and my peace is blown to shit. Maybe tomorrow I will get run over by the post truck. Or I will get into a car with Danny again. A guy can dream can't he?

THE BELOVED DRAMA QUEEN DOUGIE


	2. Chapter 2

INSIDE THE PERVERTED MIND OF DOUGIE POYNTER CHAPTER 2

TUESDAY

Right now I am under my bed with a flashlight. I swear to God that it is the only place where I can have some peace and quite. I would go and sit on the roof to have quiet, but I am afraid of heights. Yes, journal, that is the reason that I make Danny sit next to the window when we fly anywhere. Oh shit! I shouldn't have written that in here, if the other guys see it, I would never hear the end of it. They already make fun of my for being shorter then them in more ways that one. That reminds me of the time that we were bored in the van; we took turns measuring each other's dicks. That was funny, except for the fact that they called my Cocktail Frank for the rest of the tour.

Argh! I went into Tom's closet to borrow a sweatshirt, as all of mine were in the wash, and I saw something that made me want to pull my eyes out. He had a leather boy scout uniform hanging in his closet. A LEATHER BOY SCOUT UNIFORM, JOURNAL!! Danny heard me scream and ran up the stairs. "Who's screaming like a little bitch?" He asked as he came flying through Tom's door. I point to the closet and turn away from it. Danny tilts his head and looks at me. Then he looks to the closet. "Wicked! I have always wanted one of these!" He grabs the uniform out of the closet and I fall to the floor. You know what this band needs? A fuckin' therapy session. I'll even pay for it. Danny puts the outfit on and struts around the room. It's a little big for him, but he is having way too much fun with himself to care. He shakes his ass in front of Tom's full-length mirror. He hoots and cheers for himself. I feel my mind fall out and splatter on the floor. I hear someone coming up the stairs and I scuffle under Tom's bed.

Tom walks into his room, arms filled with his clothing. He gets an eye full of Danny and drops all his shit on the floor. "What the fuck is that?" Danny looks over at him. "Uh, it's yours asshole. I found it in your closet." Tom looks mad for a second and then he looks utterly confused. "My closet? That's not mine. I've never seen that before in my life! It must be Harry's because Dougie is too small for it!" I hear them both snicker and my blood boils. I go to stand up to yell at them forgetting that I am under the bed. My head smacks the boards underneath Tom's bed and I have to cover my mouth to keep myself from crying out in pain. "Let's go. Harry made pancakes!" Tom and Danny skip out of the room, leaving my throbbing headache and me. I crawl out from under the bed rubbing my head. I should sue those two wankers.

I head down to the kitchen to find Danny still in that uniform eating pancakes with Tom and Harry. "Check it out! Dougie's head has an erection!" Harry calls out and points to my head. Fuck! The lump is really that big? I race to the bathroom to check to see if it really does look like my head had an erection. I get into the bathroom and see that sad truth. What did I ever do to be punished like this? I drag myself back out to the kitchen to get my pancakes. I return to see Harry with syrup in his hair, Danny on the floor paralyzed with laughter and Tom reading the paper that is stained with orange juice. Such a waste. Such a waste. I sit down as Danny comes up and glomps me. Now my face is all sticky and he is giggling like a little schoolgirl. It must be nice to act like that all the time. Tom hands me a plate with my pancakes on it and I thank him. For some reason he is giggling too. Are these Hash cakes??! I lift one of them up and inspect it. I see nothing wrong with it, so I set it down and drowned it is syrup. These aren't bad actually. I'm surprised to be perfectly honest, usually Harry burns Corn Flakes.

After breakfast I retreat to my room; I can't stand the stupidity going on in the kitchen. They are throwing the rest of the pancakes and there is mix all over the place too. I don't want mix in my hair. I need to look good at all times, you never know when you are going to meet the right woman….or man. Harry would knock the stuffing out of me if he ever read that. He thinks that being straight is the only way to go. He and Tom had a go around when Tom brought his boyfriend home. I fell of the balcony when I heard about that. I broke my arm in three places and fractured my collarbone. Danny would always steal my neck brace from me and try to wear it as a hat. Speaking of Danny I don't know which way he swings. I tend to think that he has both hands in the honey jar. (Honey Jar! I kill myself journal!) Tom is bisexual everyone knows that, except his mum. She is waiting to meet his girlfriend and nothing else. I can't wait until she finds out. I want to see her beat his ass with a rod. Hold on, journal Danny is calling me.

Danny had trouble finding his loofa. I had no idea what a loofa was until he showed me a picture of him and his loofa, Toby. He named it, I know. He really is the fruitiest Froot Loop I know. We looked everywhere for it and he finally found it in the kitchen under the sink. He hugged and kissed it, then disappeared with it. I don't know where he went with it or what he plans to do with it, and frankly I don't want to know. If I had found something that I wash with under the kitchen sink I would have thrown it away, not shown it any affection. If I didn't have my medication I would probably have lost it by now.

I found myself daydreaming of Danny when I saw him out in the garden again. I imagined him taking care of his garden and how good it must look. I need to knock this thought out of my head. He is my best mate! I can't fantasize about him shaving his crotch for me! That's not right. Oooh! What if he shaved his pubic hair into the shape of a heart for me? That would be so cute. O.0 NO! I did not just think that! I need to get out more often.

Danny sees me looking out the window at him. He winks and pulls his pants down. I think I am going to have a heart attack. I disappear from the window, my chest heaving like I just finished running a marathon. Harry is passing by my door and sees me under the window clutching my chest. He leans into the room and asks "What? Your new A-cups came in?" I am temped to hit him with something, but the only thing in my reach is my journal. And I sure as fuck am not about to throw this at him. I don't want to give him any ammo. I sneer at him and he walks in. "What are you writing in that notebook? Are you talking shit about me?" He tries to snatch it from me. I stuff it down my pants; I know he won't reach in there. He is afraid to go into that territory. Harry pulls back with a look of disgust on his face. "You need to talk to a therapist, Dougie. You have some serious issues. It was only a notebook." He turns to vacate the room. "It's my journal, you ass bag. I don't want your nasty paws on it." Harry laughs and faces me. "Like I could ready your girly scrawl?" He leaves before I can get off my floor.

OH MY GOD! Journal are you okay? I take it out of my pants, just as Danny walks in. "Fuck me. It probably suffocated down there." I look up and turn scarlet. "What do you want?" I ask placing my journal under my mattress. "You have got a mane of pubic hair. Before you write in that you probably will have to comb its hair now." Danny is practically on the floor, doubled up with laughter. "I am very proud of my mane of pubic hair, thank you. What did you want anyway?" Danny manages to stop laughing and look at me. "I wanted to know if you enjoyed my garden show." SHIT! He saw me having a good time watching him shake his ass while he was weeding. I shrug. "I dunno. I have seen better." Danny's eyebrows are raised in shock. "What? Did you want me to grind on a sunflower or something?" My mind is filled with the image of Danny ridding a sunflower like a strip pole. I must have had that glazed over look on my face because Danny is waving his hand in front of my face. "Did you take your medication this morning?" He asks me. I fall backwards onto the bed and shake my head yes.

Danny lies down next to me. "You know what?" He asks. I have no idea what he is going to say. "What?" I ask him, not knowing what he is going to tell me. "Tom tried to commit suicide yesterday." I look at Danny. "What?!" Danny nods. "Yep. When he and Harry went to go see a film. Apparently his boyfriend broke up with him and he wanted to end it all. He climbed into one of those popcorn makers at the cinema, wanting to die by being suffocated by popcorn." Now that is a fucked up way to go, I think to myself, but don't voice my idea. Because I don't say anything Danny continues on with the story. "He was up to his neck in popcorn before someone caught him. One of the woman that work there pulled him out of there and when she was doing so, Tom fell face forward into her chest melons. They are going out to dinner tonight." I feel the color drain out of me. "Wait a minute. He just broke up with his boyfriend and he already has a new girlfriend. What a player." Danny nods in agreement. "He has had more sex partners than Pamela Anderson." I can't help myself, I burst out laughing and soon Danny is laughing with me. Today has gotten a hell of a lot better for me.


	3. Chapter 3

INSIDE THE PERVERTED MIND OF DOUGIE POYNTER CHAPTER 3

After Tom's suicide attempt the other day things have been rather quite. Everyone has been so dull; don't want to send Tom off the edge. Fuck him! Selfish bastard. He is getting pussy and sympathy. You know that? Double fuck Tom. Personally I think it's too bad that he didn't do it. After all I always wanted to be the lead singer. I have the best hair and the most female fans. I don't wax my ball sac for nothing. Then again Danny does that too; but I think he does it just for fun. I should be the lead singer, I am going to talk to Tom about this.

Back from my conversation with Tom. It was horrid. That ass-bag told me that I couldn't be the lead singer because I sound like a little girl who hasn't hit puberty yet. Then when I told him that, he was too fat to be the singer, he held me down and punched me in the face a few times. Thank the Good Lord for cover up. That git! He's lucky I don't hold a dounut out of his reach and make him jump for it. (I am so evil!! o.0)

Harry was being a complete wank today. He gave me a wedgie before we went on stage. I had to walk around the whole show like I had a dildo stuck up my ass. It was very uncomfortable and I looked like a complete moron. And to make matters worse, I now have a rash. I guess I will only be having a single until this rash goes away. I don't think I can name any lady who would want to visit the private gardens when they look like this.

I asked Harry to go and pick up some cream for my rash and he said that it would not be a problem. Didn't think that it would be after all he is the dick-hole that caused this whole mess. He has been gone about 15 minutes now and I am starting to get itchy. Worst thing is, Danny just told me that I can't have sex or jerk it with this rash or it will only spread and get worse. He just left my room and I am sitting here wondering how on Earth he knew that. I think I will go and ask him.

"Danny?" I look into his bedroom. He is sitting on the bed wearing only his socks watching COPS. Danny glances over and sees me standing in the doorway looking as if I am about to have a stroke. He makes no effort to put his boxers on as he waves me into his bedroom. Must be nice to not have a brain. I sit down in his computer chair and try not to hyperventilate. "Yeah?" He asks me, turning the volume down because it is a break. "Um, I, well, uh...How did you know that I couldn't pleasure myself?" I am as red as the sheets on Danny's bed. He smirks at me. "A similar thing happened to me before." I feel my brain break in half. "What? Did Harry wedgie you too?" He shakes his head. "There was this one time that I fucked a glove full of jelly. What I didn't know is that I was allergic to the latex. My balls were on fire for like a week and my dick looked like a it had grill marks on it." Danny pauses and takes a sit of his soda. He continues with his enchanting tale. "Then there was this other time when I was grinding on one of Harry's stuffed animals and my dick broke out. It must have been the material that the thing was made of. Or Harry and his STD stick got there before me." The show comes back on and he turns the volume back up. I just sit there looking like a wax statue that is about to melt. I hear the door slam downstairs. Yay! Harry is home! I never thought that I would ever say these words. I slip out of Danny's room and he doesn't notice, because the big titty blonde on the tv has his attention. Whores ruin everything.

Harry has to be the foulest beast that I have ever had the misfortune to know. He got cream all right. Preparation H. It only made it worse! I swear to God I felt my nut sac burst into flame. I had to climb into Danny's birdbath to put the flames out. Tom and Harry saw this and they sat laughing in the living room window. I hope that God punishes these two.

I walk inside and those two are red in the face with laughter. They both need to grow a pair of balls and be adults. They slap high fives as I walk by them. "Call me fat and see what happens." I hear Tom mutter. What the fuck? Are we in high school and I just don't know it? Way to act like a mature human being. All that revenge because I called him fat. Well, he is fat! That will be the last time that I mention his fat ass. I don't want another go around like this. If he can't handle the truth then maybe he should stop gorging on those fudge-dipped granola bars.

I'm still mad at Harry and Tom when Danny calls me down for dinner. Those two children are nowhere in sight. I sit down and Danny hands me a bowl of noodles. He grins at me. "I heard about what happened earlier today..."I cut him off before he can finish. "Go suck a dick. I don't want to hear it from you right now. My dick looks like a corn dog now with all the medication that I have on it now." Danny laughs and nearly drops the bowl that he is holding. Tom and Harry join us a second later with big smiles on their faces. I don't look up from my bowl. "Did you guys just fuck or something?" Danny doesn't expect this from me and looks at me with shock and amusement. Harry snorts. "Tom wishes that I would give him a rim job." Tom grins. "Only on the weekends!" Those two sick assholes. Dinner is quite all you can hear is Tom slurping his noodles. It makes me want to smack the stuffing out of him.

After dinner I head to my room to get my PS2 so Danny and I can play that Tony Hawk game that he loves so much. As soon as I step into my room, I see an enormous muffin basket on my desk. It's from Tom. Who the fuck else? I see a little card taped to the top of the basket. I walk over, flick it open and read it. "To apologize for my behavior." I snort and tear the card off. It is going to take a lot more than a muffin basket to win me over-OOH! Blueberry! My favorite!

Thank you, God! You have answered my prayers! Well part of them. Some is better than nothing, right? Anyhow, Harry had is girlfriend Tiffany over tonight. They decided to get busy in his bedroom with a sex toy. I, of course, was watching from the tree next to his window. Harry and Tiffany were totally into the game that they were playing. Fuck. I was into the game and I was only watching it. Tiffany takes out a rubber ball and starts playing with it. It is getting me wet; I am really turned on by this. I am totally into this...until she sticks the ball up Harry's ass. YES! JOURNAL THAT SICK BITCH STICKS IT UP HIS ASS! I nearly fall out of the tree, but thankfully my pants get caught on the branch. She tries to get it out, but apparently it is stuck. I am doubled up with laughter as the both struggle to get it out of Harry's ass.

Before I know it, I hear and ambulances flying down the road to the house. They stop in front of the house and run inside with a stretcher. Now I really want to know what the fuck is going down. I struggle to see inside, but the paramedic's ass is in the way. I see them carry Harry out; he is lying on his stomach with his ass in the air. They load him into the ambulance with Tiffany right behind him sobbing. Get over it. It is only a rubber ball. They will get it out!

I run to tell Danny what has happened, but Tom has beaten me to it. Fuckin' douche eater. I burst through Danny's room. "Danny! You'll never believe what happened! Harry got a-" Danny laughs. "I know. Tom called me like a second ago and told me the whole story." What is this? A fuckin' telephone game?


	4. Chapter 4

INSIDE THE PERVERTED MIND OF DOUGIE POYNTER CHAPTER 4

THURSDAY

Oh! I just got the latest on Harry's condition up at the hospital. They needed to perform emergency anal surgery to get the ball out. I just stopped laughing, so I could write these. I think my spleen exploded from laughing so much. And I have just caught word that Harry will have to be in the hospital a few days to recover. You know that this means? I am going to rub my naked ass on all of his pillows before he gets home. Maybe wipe my ass with his blanket; that idea is still pending.

Yeah, I have decided that I will do the blanket thing, just as an added bonus. Fuck him. Wants to give me Preparation H? Fine, then I will give him pink eye. Maybe I will jerk it into his pillows while I am at it. Wow. That sounded really perverted. Danny leans over my shoulder and reads what I just wrote. "You're just going to piss off everybody today, aren't you?" He asks me, crumbs from the thing he is eating fall all over my shirt. I feel my temper rising. I stay silent and try to write. He keeps at it. "Whom are you writing that about? Huh? Let me see what you are doodling!" He tries to snatch my journal away from me and I finally snap. " I'm just going to pack up my balls and leave." I shout at him, slamming my notebook closed. Danny drops his dounut and looks at me. "What did you just say?" I turn around. "I said, I am going to pack up my balls and leave." Danny looks as if I have slapped him in the face. "I didn't know that you had any balls!" He says. How he managed to keep a straight face, but he did. Without thinking, I shoot back. "Fuck your mum for me, since according to you, I don't have any balls."

How I am sitting all alone in my bedroom with no one to keep me company. Danny kicked me in the stomach and now is watching Hulk Hogan DVDs. Now he can beat my ass Hulk style. I better find my medical card, because I have the feeling that I am going to need it.

Danny appears at my door a second later. "I'm sorry that I kicked you. That is not the kind of thing that a friend should do to his friend." He leans against the doorframe. Now I know that he wants something from me. "It left a mark." His eyebrows are raised with curiosity and excitement. I lift up my t-shirt and show him. Sure enough, his size 11-sneaker mark is embedded in my stomach. Danny lets out a low whistle. "I didn't think that I kicked you that hard." Danny makes the puppy dog face at me; wanting to be forgiven. "You are not going to win my over that easily." He looks thoughtful for a moment. "Tom already sent you a muffin basket. I don't think that I could top that. I'll think of something. Actually, the reason that I came in here was to ask you if you had anymore of that fantastic lotion." My mind explodes. "What?" "That shit worked great! I was pettin' the weasel all night. I was even able to grind on the bedpost without getting and splinters!" What a delightful thought. Was it absolutely vital for him to tell me this? Then it hits me. "You used that whole bottle? That was brand new when you took it from me, like three days ago!" "Well, I had a lot of extra time on my hands, and I figured why not wank it?" I feel like I am going to be sick. "How many times did you do it?" I ask him. Now he really has to think. I don't think that he can count that high. "Well, about 984 times. If you don't count the hummer in the library." Library? I haven't seen him open a book in years. I didn't even know that he could read literature. "Why did you go to the library?" Danny laughs. "That's my little secret." He sees me with a blank look on my face and decides to tell me. "Okay, I'll tell you. I like to go there and masturbate to the lady behind the desk! I think she is so fine. I just can't help myself. Yesterday I went to jerk it to the sound of her voice." Now I have heard everything. Wait! I didn't know that you could masturbate to the sound of someone's voice. That must be a real high. I think that I might try it sometimes. Not like I would ever be able to listen to a CD in this house. Maybe I will go to the park next week. Shit. It's November; then again I can probably jerk it in a pile of leaves. That way there is a lesser chance of me getting caught.

Danny is gone by the time that I come out of my masturbating educed coma. Well, it seemed like a coma to me. Danny is nowhere in sight; he must be out attending to his garden. I find Tom having phone sex in the living room and I want to have my ears sown shut. Is everyone in this house horney all the time? I know that I sure am. At least I keep it in my pants. Tom hangs up and winks at me. "Her name is Beth." "That's great, Tom. Do you know where Danny went?" He looks around. "He was listening to me get off a few minutes ago. I think he went out to the garden shed." Since when the fuck do we have a garden shed? Tom must have heard this thought of mine because he says, "Danny put one up. He is quite the fuckin' builder!" I look out the back window and there it is winking me in the face. A garden shed.

I hear noises out in the backyard so I head out to see what Danny is going. I reach the garden shed when I hear, "They call me Mr. Freaky." "What the fuck?!" I can't believe what I just heard. I kick open the shed door and see Danny going at it with himself. I feel my eyes began to burn and my heart begin to pound. Blood flowing to the wrong area…. must escape. Danny turns around, "Hey! What the fuck do you think you're doing? Get your own garden shed if you want to jerk off." He pushes me out, one hand still on his dick. I stumble backwards and land in the grass. I look down at where he pushed me and see a sticky handprint. OOF! O.o

I can't take this shit anymore and I run to my room, pushing Tom out of the way. I make it to my room and less than a second later, Tom is there pounding on my door. Before I can tell him to fuck off, he slams my door open and waltzes in. "What happened out there?" He asked, a huge shit eating grin on his face. I am deep purple now. "Nothing! Just butt the fuck out. You've always got to stick your dick in everyone's ass-I mean business!" I dive under the bed to protect my ass from getting beaten. Tom can't fit under my bed, so instead he climbs on top of it and starts jumping. That fat bastard! "What did you just fuckin' say to me?!" Rage of the rhino!! After I have about 100 lumps on my head and back, I crawl out and into the closet. Tom is on my ass like white on rice. He smashes the closet door in and pulls me out through the wreckage. I never thought that I was going to die this way; then again, I also never thought that I would want to do down on my friend, Danny either. I can't believe that I just thought that!

Just as Tom's fist is about to make contact with my face, the ding-dong cart goes by outside. He is off of me and down the stairs in a flash of light. I never saw him move so fast in my life. All that speed just for a frozen dairy treat. He wants one of them? I'll give him a frozen dairy delight. I take off the shirt that has Danny's cum-print on it and put it in a plastic bag. I don't want to lose this; it could be worth something some day. I hear shouting outside and I know that Tom has caught up with the ding-dong cart. I glance out the window to see him beet red and yelling at the driver. "WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN YOU AIN'T GOT NO BLOODY FUDGE POPS?!" Maybe he will turn into the Hulk. I watch full of excitement. He doesn't turn green, but he does get something. He rips it out of the guy's hand as Danny is coming around the corner. This just gets even better. I open the window, so I can hear what they are saying even better. "THIS ISN'T FUDGE!" Tom is going to go apeshit! Danny tells him that he will buy him another treat if he will keep it under control. Tom is thoughtful for a moment and then agrees. I see the ice-cream man sigh with relief. Danny gets him something dipped in chocolate and then gets himself a fruit and cream pop. I see Danny licking on the pop and I'm starting to get hot and hard. I melt in the window, while Danny continues happily with his pop. I wish I was that cream pop right now. I'm going to see if I can snag a lick from him.

Yay! Danny let me have a lick of his pop and I know that I have been forgiven for the garden shed break-in earlier. He shares the rest with me and I feel like I am the happiest guy alive. I glance over to see where Tom has skipped off to. FUCK ME! Tom is back inside and happily slurping on a large chocolate-coated ice-cream pop. I shoot him a look of disgust, but he doesn't seem to notice because he is up to his eyebrows in chocolate. This is really sickening to watch. I leave the room before I leave my lunch on the living room floor. I push past Danny and run outside. I don't know where I am going, but I need to get away from this. I sit down on a bench and see my little friend looking me in the face. Damn it. Danny and his antics have gotten me all excited and now I have no way to take care of this out here. I don't want to go back into the house. So I guess the only other option is to walk around with a boner.

I decide that I need to go and pick up some lotion, so that when I do go home I will be able to handle this. I'm not paying any attention as I am focused on my hard-on and I walk into a post box. I bend my dick back and I pain shoot up through me. GODDAMN! I'm on the ground holding my dick, crying and cursing. Why did this have to happen to me? Is it because I was thinking about Danny? Within the next 15 minutes I manage to stand up and drag my ass into a store to get my lotion. Fuck this. I'm going home now. Walking around with a hard on is a dangerous thing to do. My dick nearly got its eye poked out. I don't want to risk that again.

I arrive home to find Harry here. My spirit drops even farther. He is lying on the sofa when I walk in. "That was one hell of a night." He says when he sees me in the doorway. I don't know how to respond to this comment. "They managed to get it out. And you know what? I kept that ball as a battle trophy." My head feels empty now. "Why would you do that?!" I ask him, not really wanting to know the answer. But, Harry doesn't read minds and doesn't know that; so he goes on to tell me all of the gruesome details of the whole chain of events. I'm as green as the grass by the time he has finished and I've lost my hard on. Hearing about some guy get a ball stuck in his asshole and how the surgeon had to dig around up there to find it, kinda kills the fuckin' mood. He really has quite the colorful vocabulary. I didn't know that he knew half of those words.

Danny sees that I am holding something when he comes in the room with a soda for Harry. "What ya got there?" He tries to see what I got. Oh, hell to the no! He is not getting this away from me. I want to have some leisure time too. "Nothing!" Danny is too smart for me, and he tackles me to the floor and pulls the bottle out of my hand. "Soothing vanilla? For the ultimate pleasure experience. " He reads. I just want to crawl under the sofa and die. "Wow. Mr. Big Spender. You can keep this. I just got myself some of that in Exotic Chocolate." Mental images of Danny covered in chocolate run through my mind. Harry, who is only a few feet away from us, butts into the conversation. "Looks like you two are going to be having yourselves a two man circle jerk over in the corner." All the wind is knocked out of me when he says this. I take my lotion, kick Harry in the crotch and vanish to my strong hold. Now where did those housing ads go? I need to start looking for my own place.


	5. Chapter 5

INSIDE THE PERVERTED MIND OF DOUGIE POYNTER: FRIDAY

Right now my asshole is on fire and so are my balls; to be honest my whole crotch area is on fire. It's not the rash again, thank the Good Lord. It's becasue of those two ball bags Harry and Tom. They make the top of my list of miserable shit eating vermin. There are many people on that list, more than you may think.

Back to the story; I fell asleep on the sofa eariler. I thought that I was gojng to have a nice peaceful nap, because Danny is asleep in the chair next to me, Harry is out shopping and Tom is out with his popcorn queen, Beth. Sometime within the time that I fell asleep, Tom and Harry came home. They somehow managed to get my pants and boxers off of me and cover my whole crotch in tobasco sauce.

I woke up thinkin' that the fuckin' house was on fire and so was I. HOLY SHIT THE FUCKIN' HOUSE IS ON FIRE!! I awoke to Danny still snoring and me with no clothes on down below. Then I heard asshole-ish laughter from behind the sofa. I knew who it was, I could smell afershave and angry sex. I look over the back of the sofa to find Harry and Tom trying to hind their laughter. Tom notices me and looks up. "What the fuck are you LOOKING over me for?" Since when the fuck does he know what the word looming means? I'll let that slide for now. Before I can say something that is cruel and shitty to them, the burning in my crotch forces me to run off in search of water to soak my crotch in.

Goddamn it! I can't believe that I fell asleep on the can! I woke up with my balls glued to the toliet seat. I tried to stand up and by God, I couldn't. Now my balls are hairless and stuck here. I don't remember what happend at all. Tom opens the door and sees me. "Whoa! Sorry!" "Help me!" I cry at him. Tom looks a little sick for a moment, "Uh, I'm not going to wipe your ass for you, dude." I shake my head and try to stand up. My eyes fill with tears as I try this.

"It's not that. My nuts are glued to the seat!" Tom looks excited now. "NO WAY!" Now his nose is less than an inch away from my ball sac."How are you stuck?" He asks me. "I dunno!" "I didn't know that sperm could be used as a glue. Now, I guess I don't have to buy any more tape to hold my posters up with." That is fuckin' disgusting! Why would be even think that? "I'm going to go and get help." Tom hurries away. I hope that he comes back soon; it's starting to get drafty in here. Tom comes back with danny and I blush like mad. I don't want Danny to see me with my balls glued to the can. "You'll never believe this filth!" Fuckin' Tom giving him all the details, like I can't hear him. Danny opens the door. "WHy did you call Dougie filth?" I hear the excitment in his voice, and I can't help but feel a little miffed. "He means this filth you loon!" I point to my ball sac. Now Danny's nose is touching my ball sac. "Ah what a mness you have gotten yourself into little Dougie. What to do? What to do?" He scratches his head. "By Jove, I've got it!" He dissapears, leaving me with Tom. Both of us have looks of confusion on our faces; a few moments I hear Danny approching. "I wonder what he has." Tom nods in agreement; this is the first time that I have ever seen him this quite. Not even during my grandmum's funeral did he shut his hole, he chatted through the whole goddamn thing.

Danny walks in with paint thinner, a bruch and a spatula. "What are you going to do with those things?" He doesn't answer my question, he just pours the paint thinner all around the area that I am glued. I watch him at work. He slowly and gentally brushes the stuff over the area and on my sac. Danny lets it soak in for a moment or so and then picks up the spatula and starts to scrape. It's a little painful at first, but within a minute he frees me. I am so over joyed that I satand up and hug him. I only realise that I haven't pulled my pants up whtn I hear Tom's asshole-ish snicker. For about the 4th time today, I am beet red.

I was sitting outside in the garden, when Tom's car pulls into the driveway. I don't see him and I wonder how he is driving it. The car parks infront of the house and there is no other movement. I sit still and wait for him to get out of the car. About 10 minutes go by and I still have seen nothing of him. I feel myself getting pissed off, so I wander over to the car to whack on the window. I half excpect him to find him in the backseat with someone getting freaky. "Hey dick breath!" I press my face against the wondow and look in. Nothing but empty food containers and used rubbers. What a fuckin' slob.

I see Harry coming out. "Harry have you seen Tom?" "What's that? Tom....yeah. He's in on the sofa watching What Not To Wear. Why?" The color runs out of me and onto the driveway. I take a step away from the car. "His-his car just pulled into the driveway! You just came out, Tom is in there and I know it wasn't Danny because nothing was run over." Harry hurries over to the car and looks at it from every angle. "What if it is a ghost car?" OOH! o.0 I dash to the stairs. "The hell with this! I am not about to fuck with a ghost car~" Harry laughs and Tom comes outside.

"I got you fuckin' good!" I'm confused. "What are you talking about?" Danny comes around with a remote control in his hands. "It's a remote control for the car. He planted it inside and I sat out on the balcony and controlled the car with this remote." Well at least he can work the fuckin' remote control.

I can't believe that those assholes got me with a remote control car~ I kicked Tom in the balls so hard, I hope that he pisses blood for a week. Harry, I pulled his sac down so far that now he'll have to have someone hold his balls when his ties his shoes. Wait, he already had someone to do that. But now he'll have to be carefully when he goes out jogging; might step on his sac and tip over.

And for Danny....goddamn it! I can't think right now. Tom's lifeless pussy music is really getting to me. I want to go in three and break that Jordan Sparks CD right over his fuckin' head. Then stick the pices up his ass. That will get the message across; teach him to listen to that kind of shit.

OH MY GOD! The funniest thing just happened between Harry and Danny. I'll have to write the whole thing down because it is just so good. This takes place at Harry's mum's house.

Harry: Man, I gotta take a dump~

*Opens the bathroom door*

H: Danny! What the fuck are you doin' in my shithouse?

*Danny lowers the paper that he is reading*

Danny" Well, I was in the neighborhood and I had to take a shit. Your mum let me in.

H: What a dumb cunt.

D: I could have taken a shit in the flowerbed.

H: Fuck me. Just hurry it up.

D: Almost done.

*Danny finishes up and Harry goes in.*

H: What the fuck? There is no TP! Where the fuck is all the shit paper?!

D: I dunno.

H: You ass fuck! You should have brought your own ass paper!

D: Fuck you. I could have used your school photos.

H: You know what? I'll use a picture of your mum.

D: Fine. I'll get you a color print! I mean lick my sweaty ball sac!

H: The hell with you. I'm goin' to see Pam Amderson. Maybe she has some shit paper with her with your picture on it.

D: Shitpaper? In her bra?

H: There is no room in that sixe X bra!

D: That's no X. That is an XYZ!

H: Sam size as your mum's panties.

D: Yeah? What about your papa's ass? That thing is ginormous~

H: You got a point there.

I don't remember the rest of the event, but I nearly died when I heard this. Ah, well. One day I will figure out what shit paper is and how it works.

I was watching tv, and I flipped a few channels. Then I saw Harry on it. It's a horror to see his face on the thing that I love the most.

-THe ex-TV lord Dougie Poynter


	6. Chapter 6

INSIDE THER PERVERTED MIND OF DOUGIR POYNTER CHAPTER 6

I am crazy like a fox. I would like to take a few moments now and brag about my accomplishment. Danny allowed me to give him an erotic back rub. He though I was doing it to be nice. I want him to give me a blow job in return.

Holy shit! I just found out that Harry killed someone! Apparently he was down at the post office and they ran out of stamps. For some reason it pissed him off, pushing him over the edge. He beat some guy to death with a cardboard box. I'm still in shock. Not because he killed someone, I'm just stunned that he did it with a cardboard box. I had no idea that you could use a box for that. Motherfucker! That must explain Tom's collection of cardboard boxes! o.0 I'm scared.

Danny and I are under the bed hidding from Tom. He's in a pissy mood and I don't want to be beaten to death by a cardboard box. Danny saw Harry on the news, so I didn't have to tell him twice. He dove under the bed before I had the chance to finish my sentence. OOH! I just heard slamming footsteps; Tom is near. "Alright you assholes! Where are you hiding?" I glances into my room. Thankfully he doesn't see us. He stomps away and for some reason Danny looks overjoyed. Is he going loopy? We could be killed by that overgrown toddler and he's grinning? Or he could be playing with himself. He gets that perverted grin when he is fingering his nuts. I can't take it anymore! "What are you so fuckin' happy over?" "I think that it's funny when Tom gets all menstrual and has episodes like this. My favorite thing is watching him eat a whole box of Captin Crunch and then pass out." My head is spinning.

Menstrual? I thought only women did that. OH NO! I MUST BE BROKEN! Danny must see the look of sheer panic on my face because he gives me his stupid asshole snicker. "It's just a joke relax. He's not really menstrual. It's just that he gets this episodes similar to PMS." Maybe Tom should try this Mydol shit or whatever the fuck it's called. "Sounds like Tom needs to get his perios so this shit-fuck mood will go away." Danny isn't ready for my remark and bursts out laughing. How Tom heard us, I duuno, but he starts thundering in our direction. It must be PSM that gives him that supersonic hearing.

Fearing the worst, Danny and I crawl out from under my bed. "Where are we going to hide?" Fuck. Now I've got to think. Before I can really process his question, he pulls me into the linen closet. Tom goes by with the force of a small car. I hear him tossing shit around in my room looking for us. Ha! We're too smart for his goofy ass! I feel a great sense of pleasure and accomplishment, even though in all reality Danny is the one who really outwitted Tom.

Apparently the Tyra Banks show is coming on soon becuase Tom is singing, "Gonna see Tyra. Bump and Grind." What the fuck is the matter with him? Danny starts singing "Trapped In The Closet." Tom hears this and is ready to smash the fuck out of the closet door. Before he can kick the door in, the Tyra show theme song come on and he flies down the stairs. "What was fuckin' close! Why would you start singing you stupid cunt stain?" I hiss at him. "Sorry. I just couldn't resist. The song seemed to fit the situation." How in the name of the holy fuck did he make that connection?! I'm not in the mood to argue with his bullshit, so I let it slide.

Tom's mood has improved, I think. I haven't seen him or heard of any of his stupid shit. I glance into the living room and find out that I was wrong. He isn't pissed, he's crying like Hillary Duff in Raise Your Voice. He must be bipolar after all, he is bisexual. He's watching that piece of shit film Cross Roads. I didn't even know that we had that DVD. Tom spots me in the doorway. "Poor Brittany, Dougie!" He sobs at me. Poor Brittany my sac; if he keeps this up I'm gonna have to build a boat or a fuckin' arc.

Seriously, what is his goddamn issue today? Every day there is another knot in his thong over something. I should just marry him off and he can become another guy's problem.

I walk out into the front yard to find Danny there sprawled out in the leaves watching the clouds go by. He laughs like a complete fuck when he sees a cloud shaped like a bone. It would have been funny if it had looked like a boner. Already, sick of The Cloud Times with Danny, I saunter off. Maybe I can find something fun to do in London. Nah, I don't feel like going into the deep city right now. The good whore houses don't open until at least 11 pm.

I go back to my room and within 2 seconds of closing the door I hear Tom's loud obnoxious crying. Thank fuck for my ipod. Goddamn! It's gone! I can't go and ask Tom if he has seen it, he's too emotional now and I can't handle that type of emotional bullshit. I'll ask Danny. I glance out my window to see that he has vacated his leaf pile and is somewhere else. I look around the yar. I find him shaking his ass-getting his groove on to my ipod. My motherfuckin' ipod! I slam the door open and thunder down the stairs. While hauling ass through the living room I knock over Tom's picture of his mum. This sends him into an emotional tail spin. I'm too pissed off to care that he is too emotionall destraut. Fuck him. Suck it up motherfucker! I've had enough of his heart to heart Brittany Spears bullshit.

I nearly rip the front door off the hinges on my way out. "ASSHOLE!" That catches his attention. He takes one of his earphones out and looks at me. "Looking for Tom? He's inside." I shove him. "I'm talking to you fuck-touch! What are you doing with my fuckin' ipod?!!" He is all calm and compsed and I am steaming like a vegtable. "Don't get all fuckin' cute with me!" He smirks at me. "You think I'm cure?" Without thinking, I shout out "You're fuckin' adorable!" I realise what I have just said. Fuck my ipod; I've gotta get the fuck out of here!~

I dash into the hose; thankfully Tom is passed out in the living room in a pile of breakfast cereals. I race to my closet and climb in. Shit! How could I have made the mistake to tell that out? Now I am going to have to move out, change my mane and find someone who will hire a stupid fuck like me. I'm really fucked now.

I hear footsteps and I know it's Danny. "Dougie?" He goes into my room. I crack the door open. I see him look under the bed. "Come out! Let's just talk about it." I don't feel like talking. To be honest, I don't know if I can. I feel like I am going to vomit. I'm afraid that if I open my mouth I will. He opens the door and pulls the sheet off my head. I stare at him like a deer caught in the headlights. He pulls me out of the closet and into his bedroom.

He closes the door behind us and sits down on his bed. He pats the seat next to him. I'm afaird of what this little chat might uncover. I wobble over to him; my legs feeling like jello. "I'm fuckin' adorable, huh?" My cheeks burst into flame and I am as red as a fire engine. "Ah, you're okay." He knows that I'm lying becuase he gives me a Tony Blair look. "Well, Dougie? What are we really thinking in there? If you're not going to tell me, I'll just read your diary." Like fuck he will! I don't need him diggin' though my private life....or him seeing all the little drawings of him that I have doodled. Thank God that he didn't mention my laptop! Then he'd see all those pictures that I have of him and the shots of us together. I snap back to the issue at hand. "Dougie, I think that you're cute." What the fuck did he just say? He thinks I'm cute? WHOOT! VICTORY! I'd get up and shake what my mum gave me, but I will wait until later when I can properly do the victory dance.

Danny gives me a hug as Tom stumbles into the room. He's got Captin Crunch in his hair and he looks totally disorintated."Spongebob is on!Where's the fuckin' TV set?" Danny brings Tom to the living room, leaving me all alone in his room. Ha! Tom has a hard-on for Spongebob! Danny comes back in and he is as white as false teeth. "Tom tried to finger my grinch." "Come again?!" I cough out. I don't know if I have head him correctly. Finger my grinch? What kind of provocative sex talk is that?! "Tom tried coming on to me. It was kind of sad to see." He doesn't tell me anymore and I am fuckin' greatful. I don't need those kind of mental images floating through my mind. Tom shakin' his junk all around and him trying to man handle Danny? Fuck that. Me and that dick bag are going to have a little heart to heart.

I leave Danny to go Talk to Tom. Tom and his bullshit! All this fuckin' harping; I should have known that this was going to cause fuckin' trouble. Now all of this pent up anger that I have towards Tom is going to come out. I might end up killing that low life piece of shit. Then I would end up in jail, sharing a cell with Harry. Where I'll probably become his prision bitch. No! I don't want to be passed around like a peace pipe. I've gotta think and keep my emotions under contol. It's either that or soend ever night getting cornholed my some fat-fuck named Bruno. I am nobody's prison bitch!

Talking with Tom was complete and totally fuckin' useless. He was zoned out in fron of the TV the whole time. The only answer that I goit out of him was, "So? I like to shake my shit around. Get over it. If you want to ass go to a club." That made no sense to me at all. Right now Harry is a lucky motherfucker to be sittin' in that prison cell.

I need to take a time out and relax. This shit is fuckin' stressful! I head down into London to relax. I'm going to that new stip n' pub. The London Gentalmen. Nice name for a pub if you ask me. I walk into the pub and I hear forgein talk. German; they sound like they are gargling some guy's balls. It's the French if you remember correctly, that I think sound like they are suckin' on a dick. Anway back to the pub.

There is this bitch that I am eyeing. She's shaking her ass and I am getting really excited. I grab a cocktail and sit down for a better look. I'm waiting gor her to turn around so I can see the rack. She turns around and I nearly vomit up my cocktail. Her bush is hanging out of her thong. It looks like she is smuggling a wig down there! Goddamn! Hasn't this cunt ever heard of a fuckin' Brazillian? I think that I am going to be fuckin' sick. Not even the rack is good enough to make up for the dreads down below.

I turn around and get the fuck out of dodge. This is the kind of perverse shit that Tom is into. I dunno how. I know I'm afraid to stick my dick in there. Might get fuckin' rugburn. Speaking of Brazilliabs, I am schedualed to get one tomorrow. Monday is my birthday and I want to look good. A birthday is a good time to get some pussy.

-Almost birthday Boy, Dougie Poynter


	7. Chapter 7

INSIDE THE PERVERTED MIND OF DOUGIE POYNTER CHAPTER 7

Harry is back from prison. That worthless piece of fuck copped a plea and got parole. He's lower than a snake's nut sac in my book. Well, on the plus side, I know now that I won't end up being his prison bitch. The Lord works in mysterious ways; I get really pissed off about him getting out, but I end up saving my asshole from being violated. You can't have everything in life I guess.

Jesus H! I was rootin' around through the box of DVVDs earlier. I was in the mood for something dramatic, but what I found was more horrifying than The Silence of The Lambs. Harry and Tom made a sex tape! Harry-that dishonest scrotum stain! He told me that he was straight! After all this bullshit, turns out that he is a fan of the ol' sausage. No wonder he and Tom have been on the outs lately. I guess Tom isn't a good enough fuck. I don't want to test this hypothesis out. I wouldn't nail Tom in the ass for anything. Well…maybe I'd do it if I could have Buckingham Palace. That's a place that the ladies would like. I'd change the name though; maybe to Nibble on my Ham Palace. Right on!

I am drawn out of my palace fantasy by Harry. I've had enough of him and his fuckin' antics! And you know what? I haven't seen him at all today. Just the thought of that cockhole pisses me off. His voice really annoys me too, now that I think of it. And that accent! Christ save me. He's worse than those assholes who are trying to learn English. If I wanted to deal with shit stains with accents I would have become a telemarketer or a worker in a foreign language department.

All that slamming in the next room over, it's like a fuckin' tap-dancing convention in there. It sounds like the Broadway production of Annie is going on in the next room over. I go over and pound on Harry's door. He doesn't answer me, so I kick the door in. I find him dancing naked for his girlfriend. Watching him dance is like watching someone have a seizure. He's knocked over his desk chair and CD shelf. He turns to me in the doorway and that same wave of sickness from last night's pub event washes over me. Before Harry can tell me to get the fuck out I dash away. I'll watch a movie to calm my stomach.

When I get to the living room, my stomach is far from settled. I catch a glimpse of Tom in spandex doing a Jane Fonda work out tape. The whole scene is sickening. I notice Danny outside washing his car. He's wearing booty shorts and nothing else. OOH! I feel better now; maybe I will go and help him out.

"Hey Danny. Want me to help you wax your car?" The words are out of my mouth before I know it. Danny nearly drops the hose, but he regains his composure. He seems to want to dig a bigger hole for me to crawl into. "Already waxed it this morning. Next time I need a hand, I'll give you a jingle." What an asshole! I'm trying to be helpful and this dick suck turns it into a big fuckin' joke. Can't he ever act like an adult? I can't, but that's okay. I'm younger than him. Then again, he hit puberty only last week, so I dunno how that exchange of time works. Don't they have books on this shit?

Even more fuckin' wonderful news on the home front. Today I was in a hurry to get ready, because we were having an interview at the house. Danny didn't do the laundry so I had no clean drawers. Not wanting to risk getting caught wearin' skanky drawers, I go commando. I put a belt on to make sure that I don't lose my shorts.

Harry is sitting in the living room dressed like he is going to the fuckin' prom. Danny comes in and he's wearing a sundress. He looks like that girl from Little House on the Prairie. Tom, as usual, is wearing a shirt with a big greasy stain on it. Doesn't he have any fuckin' pride? Not wanting to piss him off and have him reveal that I sleep with a blanket in my mouth, during our interview, I stay silent. Speaking on him spilling shit on live television, the other day that douche hole revealed that I like to jerk off to Joy Bahaw on The View. The whole audience was on the ground laughing.

So to get back at him, I logged onto my MySpace and wrote a wonderful editorial piece on what I think of Tom. I included several photos, some of the included, him asleep with a dildo in his mouth and then my personal favorite; a photo shopped image of him with his sac tucked back, posed like a woman. That got a lot of hits- Tom didn't come out of his room for a whole week when he found out about it.

Back to the interview. I don't remember what happened, but the bullshit level in the room skyrocketed. Things got a little rowdy and Tom pushed me. I tried to catch my balance and when I did so, the crotch of my shorts ripped leavin' my junk blowin' in the wind. The guy interviewing us had the camera guy get a tight shot of that.

Then to make it worse, my mum turned on the TV and she caught an eyeful of my crotch. She called me up and tore me a new asshole over the phone. Doesn't she have anything better to do then nag the fuck out of me? I have Harry for that.

Motherfucker! Tom ate the rest of my goddamn gummy bears. I'm gonna get back at him! I put candy in a mouse trap and wait for him to wander by. Tom sees it and goes for it. It snaps on his fuckin' hand!! That'll teach him to snack on my shit. You'd better watch your fuckin' step Tom, because I am watching.

Danny's mum came over for dinner tonight. Danny is cleaning and setting the table. Tom is doing all the cooking. Harry did the grocery shopping. I'm hiding in my bedroom. I decide to check the progress of what's going on downstairs; I peek into the dining room. Christ! It looks like the Queen is coming for fuckin' dinner! Danny sports me hanging around in the doorway. "Wanna help?" I don't feel motivated. I shake my head no. "Nah. I'll just grab a little piece of Heaven over there." I sit in the corner giving him shitty glaring looks over the top of my notebook.

Finally his mum shows up and Tom announces that dinner is served. Thank the good Lord! I was ready to tear my fuckin' spleen out and eat it. I grab a biscuit and take a huge bite. Goddamn! It's like chewing on a fuckin' golf ball. Where did Tom learn to cook? I spit it out and it lands in the roses that Danny has set on the table. OOH! I hope that nobody notices this.

Thankfully dinner goes by without anyone picking up on the spit up bread in the flowers. Tom's gone into the kitchen to get the coffee and dessert. I can only imagine what kind of shit he has cooked up. Most of my dinner ended up in Danny' mum's purse. I'll have to sneak out later and get a sandwich or I'm gonna fuckin' starve to death here. I wouldn't wish Tom's cooking on my worse enemy. Wait! Harry's got a pizza under his bed. I excuse myself and hurry up to Harry's room. Tom's made some kind of cake, but I'm too scared to try it.

Damn it! Harry locked the door to his fuckin' room. I fish around in Danny's jewelry box and finally find a hair pin. I sneak back to Harry's door and pick the lock. The door swings open and I dive for the bed. This pizza is fuckin' great! I'm halfway through the pizza when Harry comes into the room. SHIT! I panic. He's gonna beat the pizza out of me. He slams the door shut and faces me. "Move the fuck over!" He grabs a slice. "Thank the good Lord for this!" Harry's too hunger to even care that I've eaten half of his pizza. I expected him to slit my throat or shove the pizza box up my ass.

I vacate Harry's room before he comes down from his pizza high. Tom's doing dishes shaking his ass to the radio. Huh. I guess he really has been at the gym and not lollygagging around the house eating ice cream. There can be miracles in every day life, I guess. Speaking of miracles, Tawny (my bikini waxer) works miracles down below. I think that I should give that pub broad Tawny's number.

I'm back from getting' waxed and I feel fuckin' fine! I was so happy with the results that I took pictures for future reference. Fuckin' a! Even George Clooney isn't this well groomed down below! I feel like a million pounds. I'm worth that and more. I had my junk hanging out the window so the neighbors could see how good it looked. Danny's driving by and he sees my crotch hangin' in the breeze. He loses concentration, missing the driveway completely and plows into the neighbor's fence.

He crawls out of the car and I see him look up at me. I shut the curtains so he can't see me laughing like a complete fuck hole. That was fuckin' hilarious! What a complete and total stupid asshole! A tow truck goes by the house 10 minutes later and I'm still laughing.

Watching Danny sneak back into out yard was even funnier. I'll explode with laughter if this keeps up. Tom's seen what happened and comes into my room. "Did you just see that?!" He chokes out. "Yeah!" We hold onto each other and laugh like total assholes. Then it hits him that I'm not wearing any pants. "Why do you have your dick out?" "I don't remember!" We laugh even more. Finally, after nearly 20 minutes of asshole-ish laughter, Tom leaves to go watch re-runs of Happy Days.

Tom's not a complete fuck off! He's kinda cool, him and I should pal around sometimes. I'll check my date book to see when I'm free. It's funny, but kinda sick; I used to avoid Tom like the plague and now he and I are gonna go to witchcraft together this Tuesday night. It would have been Friday, but I have basket weaving with Danny that day. And on Saturday's it's high speed jump rope games with Harry.

-The Jump Rope Champion, Dougie Poynter


	8. Chapter 8

INSIDE THE PERVERTED MIND OF DOUGIE POYNTER CHAPTER 8

I'm all alone on my birthday right now. Danny is sick and Harry and Tom are pissed off with me. I guess I must have offended them. We needed to get the measurements for the field out back because we are putting in a go-kart track back there. I couldn't measure it because I don't know how to read the tape measure. Tom and Harry weren't listening to me, so I use something I know will catch their attention. "You guys! Hey! I need you guys to measure this field. And don't use your dicks! I can't count that high and I don't want to hear 400,000 inches." They look up from drawing stick figures in the dirt. They take my clipboard out of my hands. Harry bends me over and Tom sticks the clipboard up my ass. It didn't hurt that bad until they snapped it.

I dunno what that clipboard hit, but I came in my pants. It also happened to give me the best orgasm ever. They leave me out in the field. Fuckin' a! I don't get cell service out here! Every time I move the clipboard hits something and I orgasm. It feels great, don't get me wrong, but I prefer to walk around without something stuck up my ass. After about 20 orgasms I manage to move far enough, where I can get cell service. The operator laughed when I told him about my situation. I thought that these dick blows were trained not to laugh. He hangs up on me or my cell drops the call, I can't tell what the fuck has happened. My cum high is making it hard to think. I'm gonna have to pull the clipboard out myself. By the time that I get it out I'm out of breath and it looks like it's snowed in my pants. Either that or it looks like my dick has dandruff. That happened to Harry once; too bad I don't know all the details.

I was just sittin' back thinkin' about religion. Then it hits me; every religion has a different fuckin' hat! Everybody's got a motherfuckin' hat! I'm tired of this shit. Everybody is fighting to defend their hat's honor. You know what? I wipe my ass with hats! Hold that though, Danny is calling me.

Jesus Christ! Even more news that just warms the bottom of my nuts. For over a 3 week fuckin' period, Harry was writing a fuckin' gossip column about me! I found out from Danny. I sit down on the sofa and Harry joins me. "How's everything going?" He's fuckin' fishing to see if I've heard about his fuckin' gossip column. "Shut your fuckin' cake hole." I leave before things can escalate. I have a low tolerance level for stupid bullshit. Speaking of stupid bullshit, I've just caught wind of Tom's phone convo. "Hey James! What times does the circle jerk convention tonight start?" I trip over Danny's stupid fuckin' remote controlled car and land on my head. I need to do something before I slit my wrist. Maybe I'll dig a hole with a fuckin' stick in the yard. Or maybe I'll lie back on a cloud and take a fuckin' harp lesson.

I sit on the porch and watch the lint on the street blow by. I hear the lawnmower start up and Danny comes into view. He's fiddling with something on the mower. What the fuck is that? I squint and try to make out what he's got. By God! GPS on the fuckin' lawnmower! Just in case he gets lost on the lawn. Bullshit is everywhere these days. Especially in my front yard. You know what? Bullshit is the glue that holds this country together. Wait! I thought that Danny was fuckin' sick! I think about pushing him off the lawnmower, but then I see him text something to someone. I need to think of something really shitty to do to him. I can't believe that he would stoop so low and fuck me over on my birthday! This is the kind of stuff I expect from my mum or Harry.

He drops his phone, but he doesn't notice it. I run over and snatch it out of the grass before he sees me. I look at the texts that he has been sending. My heart sinks faster than Danny drives. He was planning a surprise party for me. Now I know how Harry feels all the time; a low life piece of shit. I crawl behind the oak tree to hide. Before I have time to really reflect, Danny runs over the neighbor's cat with the lawn mower. He turns the engine off and pulls all the fur out of the blades like it's no big deal. Looks like we will be heading to the pet store for the 2nd time this week

I'm sitting in front of the TV drooling when the doorbell rings. Who the fuck could that be? I open the door to find a huge; I mean a gigantic-ass birthday cake. I'm surprised the fuckin' thing isn't wearing a commercial license plate. Harry helps me wheel it into the dining room. Danny has balloons and party hats. He sticks a hat on my head and they start to sing at me. Harry of course it off key, He couldn't carry a note even if it had a fuckin' handle on it. HA!

Then it hits me- Tom ain't here. I look around for him. I half expect him to be hiding behind the cake eating a huge chunk of cake. He's not there. It's not like I'm worried about him or anything. I just want to know where he is. Before I can give it anymore thought, the cake explodes revealing Tom in a bikini. My gorgeous fuckin' eyes!!!! He's covered in cake and he's smacking his ass. I faint from the shock of the event.

I awake to a cake covered Tom and a Danny with a huge piss stain in the crotch of his pants. Ha! He pissed himself! He's taking my pulse as I sit up. "I guess he would have preferred you in the 2 piece, Danny." For some reason anger rises up in my chest. "You both are sick fucks! I don't want to see either of you in a bikini. I don't like guys. I thought I liked you Danny, but I don't. You remind me of my ex-girlfriend and I still want her. I'm sorry to disappoint you." I dash away from home. Danny and Tom look at each other. "Pay up asswipe." Danny gives Tom his money. I later find out that this was all a set up.

I'm sitting at the bus stop when Danny watches up with me. "Dougie! We were only fucking with you! It was just a joke. Tom and I just wanted to see if you liked guys or not." Those two arrogant shit stains! They have crossed the fuckin' line now! I'm about ready to go over to Danny and rip his scrotum off. He sits next to me. "I knew you wouldn't cornhole anybody. Besides I've seen your credit card statements. All those strip club charges! Christ, It's higher than the American national debt." I can't help myself. I laugh at this.

I decide I'll pay Danny back later. I'm gonna get Tom back now. He's usually the mastermind behind shit like this. He'll be sorry for even thinking about sticking his dick in my ass. I'll slap the queer out of him and then some. How are he question my sex fantasies! You don't see me asking him about where his dick has been or how many times he has worn a strap on. Huh? Do you? Nope. All I know it, he's stuck his dick into my business and it's about to get bent.

I sit and wait for Tom to get home. It's been about an hour. I was so bored that I gave myself a belly button piercing. It looks good. Wait…I have seen this piece of body jewelry before….OH MY GOD!! This used to be Tom's dick ring! I rip it out and I want to set myself on fire to get rid of the germs. I'm about to get the matches out when Danny stops me. "What the fuck are you going?" I turn around. He sees the blood and looks queasy. "You got your fuckin' period?" "NO! I gave myself a belly button piercing. Then I remembered that this was the same thing that Tom pierced his dick with!" I show him it and he laughs in my face. "Tom still has his in. That's the one that I did my dick with." Now I feel like an asshole. "Oh." I can't think of anything else to say. "Can I get you a tampon or a sanitary napkin?" He asks me with a smirk. I punch him in the ribs. I have to admit that his comment was rather funny. I'm laughing about it now. I'm glad that I have forgiven Danny for now. He makes me laugh. Oh! Did you know that laughter is the best medicine for cancer? I saw that on Dr. Quinn: Medicine Woman. That's a good thing to know because Tom's antics cause caner. His moor mum. I think I'll send her something nice.

I'm looking through a catalog when I remember that Harry's birthday is coming up. Then I remember that those assholes didn't get me any birthday presents. Why I outta-huh? There's a knock at my door. I open it expecting to see one of them, but all I see is a small gift wrapped box. OOH! A present! I snatch it up and close my door. I open the present carefully, because the wrapping paper is goddamn adorable!

I find a cell phone box. A cell phone? Who the fuck would give me this? I look at the tag; it's from Danny. I look closer at the box and fall in love with his gift. It's a cell phone that makes pancakes and scratches your balls. I can't believe that he got me the one that I was going to get myself for Christmas. Great minds think alike. I'm gonna go try this baby out.

-The only guy who can have an orgasm over a cell phone, Dougie Poynter


	9. Chapter 9

INSIDE THE PERVERTED MIND OF DOUGIE POYNTER CHAPTER 9

TUESDAY

Another wonderful day; before I get into that, I'll write about what else happened on my birthday. Tom and Harry really did go all out for my birthday gift. I dunno how they found out that I wanted it, but I am glad that they did. They got me a chair that massages your ass and whistles at the same time. That chair gave me more action than I would have gotten at any strip club.

Oh yeah! I have to write about today. Well, today we were going to see a film. I put my cell on vibrate so I would know if I got a call. We were about half way through the film when my cell rang. It was the worst possible part for my phone to go off at; the woman was slipping into a see through nightgown when my phone vibrated. The vibration from my phone felt so good that I moaned. Harry looks over at me. "Shut the fuck up Pee Wee Herman!" He tosses his candy wrapper at me. "It's not that. It's my phone. It just- OH GOD!" The woman behind me kicks my chair. "You pervert!" I have to get up and find my phone in my pocket. It keeps vibrating!! If this keeps up then I will have to buy another ticket for my boner. I find my phone and shut it off before the usher can come over and toss me out.

I hear Danny snicker. I look over to find him putting his phone away. That scrotum stain! He sat calling me, when he damn well knew that my phone was on vibrate, and the vibration from my phone would cause me to pop a boner. What an immature thing to do! I gave him the benefit of the doubt and this is how he repays me? He's gonna get it tonight.

...

I got Danny good! He went to bed early tonight. He left his phone on the coffee table. Alright! Makes my job a little easier. I set his phone to vibrate and wait for him to fall asleep. As soon as I am sure that he is sleeping, I sneak to his bedside with the phone. I pull back the sheets; he's naked with his ass up in the air/ Perfect. I stick his phone up his ass. He moans a little and goes that sick fuckin' perverse grin thing he does. I think that he needs to have his head examined. I got out in the hallway when Harry is going by. "What are you doing?" I don't have to answer him' he 's caught on to what I am up to. Danny moans and pants in the other room. Harry and I are doubled up with silent laughter. " You stuck his cell phone up his ass with it set to vibrate and called it? You are one sick twisted fuck!" Harry looks impressed with what I've done; but at the same time fearful. Good. Let that be a lesson to him. Never underestimate my power!! (Evil laugh here)

.....

Harry that smug fuck! You'll never believe what that twat hole said to me. Okay. So Tom told me to do something, and naturally I was fuckin' outraged about it. Harry overheard us and leaned in and said to me, "You don't follow orders anyway so what's the fuckin' problem?" How dare he say that to me! Even though there is quite a bit of truth to what he said to me. You know what I did to make myself feel better? I went out and bought myself and Elvis lunchbox.

It's freezing in there, but I'm too afraid to turn on the heat. The last time that I did Tom made some threats with my ass and the thermostat involved. I need Tom in here monitoring the thermostat like I need a third nut. You know what would happen if I talked to him about it? Nothing! He wouldn't even feel the slightest but guilty; he would just head off to bed.

Tom sees me shivering on the couch. "Maybe if you helped to pay the heating bill, we could have the heat on more often." "Huh? I'm broke right now, Tom." "Why don't you just sell one of your guitars? You don't need them; you play bass." I am a taken back at this. "Would you ask Picasso to sell one of his guitars?" Tom is all fuckin' confused now. Good; while he's thinking it over I can turn the fuckin' heat up a little.

....

I'm waiting for Danny to leave so I can go and borrow his copy of the Vagina Monologue. Great! The wombat is leaving' the cave! Danny pulls out of the driveway and I am inside his room in under a second. I go to his DVD tower and find a note attached to the side. I rip the note off and read it. OOH! It reads, 'Dougie I am gonna cut you balls off then gouge your eyes out. Then I am going to put your balls in your empty eye sockets if you touch any more of my DVDs.' Fuck this. It is not worth that kind of a punishment. Looking at the clock I realize that I am late for my therapy session. Gotta go!

….

Right now I am sitting in my therapist's office and it is about as interesting as a pile of dry dog shit on the sidewalk. This gal is supposed to be listening to me and she can't tell me what I said 2 fuckin' seconds ago! Ya know, when I first met this girl she seemed real smart; she had a business card and everything. I thought that the business card were a mark of a high achiever. I told Danny about my business card theory. He said, "Wow. A business card! Such a fuckin' achievement! Is she gonna get a fuckin' website too?" I wasn't impressed with Danny's remark. I should have known better than to ask him. I can't have my theories being analysed by a grown adult who believed in Santa until only a few months ago.

….

Today I was sitting on my bed looking out the window, just thinking, when the thought crossed my mind that Tom wants to fuck me. I'm not sure if it's the truth or not, but I have to get to the bottom of it. I have to get into his "palace" and see what he's written about me in his "precious thoughts" book. But first I have to make sure that Tom is not home. I can't go and check his bedroom to see if he is there. Harry is at some drummer's thing, but I really know that it is a hand job convention. Danny might now if the Twinkie Tickler is at home.

"Danny, is Tom home?" I call down the stairs to him. Less than a second later he appears at my door as if I called him up here to give me a blow job. That would be nice though…. "What did you need, Dougie?" he asks at me. "A blo-um, I wanted to know if Tom was home." Fuck! That was quick fuckin' thinking there. That stupid shit eating grin spreads across his face like Harry's eyebrow. "No. He went out. He said that he had something to do with Harry." Drummer convention my asshole!

A horrifying mental image clouds my mind. Harry is naked on top of Tom (who is almost always naked by the way) and he is petting him. "Wanna moo for me big boy?" Harry runs his hands down Tom's back. "I'm gonna make you squeak like the rat you are." Tom is on top now and his hands are wandering and HOLY FUCK! I stumble back. Danny rushes over to see if I am all right. Physically I am fine, but mentally, I am scarred for life. How could that creep into my mind like this? I think that I will have to increase my medication and the security at the entrance of my mind.

"Dougie are you okay?! What happened?" Danny checks to see if I have a fever. "I'll be fine. Why don't you just go and make me a sandwich? You know what I want to go with that? Some Malomars." Danny looks at me as if I have nine fuckin' heads. "They are fuckin' cookie things! Drag your ass down to the store and pick me up a box of them to go with my goddamn sandwich!" I go to my room and slam the door What the fuck was I doing? I lost my train of thought because I got so pissed off about the fuckin' Malomars. Oh, yeah! I was going to go to Tom's room to see if he wants to fuck me. Heh, everyone wants a piece of my ass.

I open the door and inch and peek out to see if Danny is still here. I don't see him anywhere, so I press my ear to the door opening and listen. Silence. Perfect. I slip out the door silent and smooth. I crack open the door to Tom's room, "Wow. He sure has the collection of shit in here." I sneak over to the bed and list up the pillow to look for his diary. It's not there. Hmmm….if I was a fag where would I hide my diary? I'll check the mattress. That is where I hide my journal. I cut a hole in the mattress, so at night I can slip this little fucker inside it. Aint nobody going to find it. I check the mattress and there is not a single hole in it. Not even one!

I spot the desk next to the bed. If I didn't have my mattress to hide my journal in, I would hide it in my desk. That would be a little difficult, as the 2 drawers are filled with Playboy magazines. Anyway, back to Tom. The first 2 drawers are empty. The last one has to have the fuckin' gold in it. He locked the fuckin' thing! He probably has the key in his pants. If I want to get the key I will have to reach into his pants to get it. Fuck that! I don't want to read it that badly; okay I do. I'm not reaching into his pants for the key. There has to be another way.

My cat claws! Yeah, I can use the claws from my cat-woman Halloween costume! I use one of the nails to pick the lock. Hot fuck; it opened. "What do you have here? Property of Thomas Michael Fletcher; private, do not read." I snort with laughter. Like fuck I am going to observe this.

I open up the diary and flip through a few pages until I see something that catches my attention. "Monday July 7. Today Dougie came home drunk again. He was vomiting all over the place. I went to check on him, as he was in the bathroom for a long time. When I opened the door, he had his head in the toilet. His hair was in the toilet water and it was disgusting." I tear my eyes away from the page. That was a good fuckin' night!

"Saturday July 20. Today I saw Dougie pressed up against Danny. I felt really jealous and I wanted to kill them both. I wish that they would press up against me like that. Beth does that occasionally." What the fuck is this shit? Have my eyes deceived me? Ah, well, I guess the guy is okay in my book. I may not be into banging guys, that much, but I think that I can bring him to a few parties. I close the diary and put it back where I found it.

While leaving the room I notice that every inch of the room is covered in posters now. There is this one poster that really catches my eye. "This bitch is hot!" I rip the poster off the wall and bring it into my bedroom. Hey, I need something to get off to, ya know. Oh! I must go. Danny has just informed me that my Malomars are here!!

-The Beloved Prince of the Malomars Kingdom, Dougie Poynter


	10. Chapter 10

INSIDE THE PEVERTED MIND OF DOUGIE POYNTER CHAPTER 10

WEDNESDAY

I have pie today, so it is a good day. Other then that my life is slowly slipping into the sewer lines. Reading Tom's diary only confused me more. He doesn't like me, but he likes me. How am I supposed to taunt him over this when I can't figure out what the fuck he's saying? It's like having a girlfriend, but not being able to fuck her. Okay, I guess I got a little ahead of myself there; the no fucking thing would be far worse. Well, Tom is going out again tonight, so I have another chance to peek at his diary. Hooray! First, I have to find out who he is going out with. My money is on Harry (again).

I find Tom in the living room on his laptop. "Hey, who are you going out with? Is it anyone I know?" Tom doesn't look at me. "It's nobody that you know. Why does it even matter to you?" He looks over at me. "Oh, no reason. I just wanted to know if you were going out with that cunt that you met at the London Council." His face stiffens, like he has to take a shit. "You are so vulgar." I give him a huge fuckin' grin. "Thanks!" I see that I am not going to get any more information out of him, so I hurry to my room. When I hear that he is going out to the garage, which gives me the green light to go and toot through Tom's daily planner. That fuck locked his bedroom door. Delayed, but not stopped. I think that I have a hairpin in my packet. I do have one! Within a few seconds the door is unlocked and I am safely inside Tom's room. My eyes are glued to the new poster that he has put up. Lil' Kim…. nice. Oh shit! What the fuck was I in here for? Oh yeah, dick hole's planner.

I find it sitting on the desk open to today's date. "Out to lunch with Harry." I KNEW IT! HE IS FUCKING HARRY IN SECRET! THOSE TWO ASSHOLES! HOW DARE THE KEEP A SECRET FROM ME?! Then I look down a little farther. "Pick up late b-day gift for Dougie." Me? Why the hell would he go out and get me another gift? I loved the chair that he and Harry got me. My eyes spin around in my head thinking of all the reasons. I rush out of Tom's room before I have a heart attack in there and he catches me diggin' through his shit.

….

Well, that was a bust. I only found out something that I already kinda knew. Tom is doin' Harry. Nothing new there. Maybe the way that they are doing it is new, but I don't intend to find out. I would like to keep the little sanity that I have. Speaking of which, I wonder what is for dinner. I'm so hungry that I could eat my fuckin' used drawers. I don't feel like going downstairs, so I call Harry on his cell phone.

"What the fuck is there to eat here? I'm so hungry it feels like I am living in fuckin' Ethiopia!" I practically can hear Harry rolling his eyes on the other end. "Dougie, dinner will be ready in 5 minutes." Like that fuckin' gives me any information! "What's for dinner?" "Rice, chicken and broccoli." I snort. "What the fuck am I going to go with that shit? I'm gonna end up eating Danny later!" That came out wrong. Shit. I hear Harry snicker. "I mean that I will have to eat someone later!" "Whatever you say Dougie." "GODDAMN RIGHT!" With that, I slam my phone shut. Goddamn him! Trying to twist around what I said; that miserable scheming cocksucker! Oh, hot shit! Dinner is ready! I just hope that I don't end up eating the coffee table later.

…

Well at least dinner didn't suck that bad! When Danny left to answer his phone, I wolfed down the rest of his chicken and rice. Fuck him! Let him starve; he looks anorexic anyway. Danny is doing dishes and getting me popcorn. Tom has gone out and Harry is sleeping. So, there is nothing left for me to do but sit and lollygag around the house. I wonder what's taking Danny with my popcorn…lazy asshole. Then I hear the door to the TV room open up and there he is; Standing there wearing only whipped cream holding my popcorn bucket. My eyes fall out of my head and onto the carpet.

"What the fuck are you wearing?" I ask him, placing my eyes back in. "Something special for you." We already went through this bullshit. Anger fills me for some reason. "Is this what took ya from bringing my fuckin' popcorn?" He looks a little confused. "I thought that you liked whipped cream." "I do! Just not on your skanky ass!" I shout at him. "What are you on about?" "Like you don't fuckin' know! You fucked Tom. Don't lie to me, cum stain. I have the fuckin' videotape!" Danny laughs. "That? That was all apart of the scheme to see if you liked guys. I don't really like Tom like that." This makes me feel better and I don't really know why. "Oh, well I guess I like the whipped cream." He looks like he is going to get real cunty now. "Too late, Dougie." He throws my popcorn bucket at me and stomps out of the room. What did I do to be treated like this? I replay the conversation in my head and find nothing that could earn me that kind of treatment. Huh. Must be PMS. Tom gets like that when he is on the rag.

Well, not that I am popcornless and I have missed the important plot points in the movie that I was trying to watch, I guess I will go and look through Tom's shit again. Before I go and do that I have one closing thought; I have come to the decision that I am only gay above the waist. Yep. I don't like the thought of some guys sticking his dick in my ass or me sucking on some guy's dick. Damn, now I really want to make out with Danny. Harry heard what happened and he wants details. I am in a good enough mood to talk to him about it. I won't go and tell him to fuck off.

…

Goddamn! I have gone and done it. My plan to get hit by a car did not go over so well. Now I am sitting in my therapist's office. Why the hell did I try to get hit during a sale? I should have done it on the weekend, when everyone would be too drunk to notice me. They think that I am crazy and that I really want to die. As if! I just wanted to see how much it would hurt.

I look out the little window in the door; my therapist is talking to Harry that piece of shit will give her all of the dirt on me and I will be locked inside the rubber room of joy for the rest of my life. I peer out again and see Harry smirk at me. Yep, he is still mad over me selling the sex tape that he and Tom made over the Internet. Why can't he get over it and forgive me? Why does he have to act like a cunt over this? Speaking of cunts….Debbie, Harry's new girlfriend, is supposed to come over this weekend. Maybe I'll be locked up so I won't have to endure her bullshit! Hot fuck! Now all I need to do is work my magic.

That bitch didn't buy it! She told me that I was bullshitting her and that she would re-evaluate me on Monday. But, they would be putting me in anger management because of my anger issues. What fuckin' anger issues?! What did that asshole tell her? I'm gonna find out when I get home. I will have to write later, they say that they are going to give me some kind of sock treatment for my anger. That sounds like fun! NOTHING CAN SCARE ME!

….

I guess I was wrong. It wasn't fun and it did scare me it. It scared me so bad that I shit my pants. Too bad all of my pants are in the wash. I guess I will have to borrow a pair of Danny's pants. Let's see here. Gay. Gay. Hippy. Extra gay. Ass-rape me pants. Holy Christ. Doesn't he have any normal pants around here? I bet my left nut that he has a skirt in here. Holy Lord in Heaven! He just doesn't have a skirt; he has 4 of them, 3 dresses , 14 pairs of high heels and 32 lace things. I think that I need to go and lie down. This is too much excitement for one day. Ya know what? I think he is totally gay. 100% gay; before I was going off of a theory, but now I think that I have a little evidence to support my claim. Ooh! Danny just got home and I want to try and see if I can get him to admit his anal pleasures.

"Hey, Danny. Whistle in any wheat fields lately?" He glares at me, still pissed off about the popcorn incident and raises an eyebrow. "What the hell are you talking about?" I decide to not answer his question; I'm going to let him figure it out. "So, uh, where were you? Were you down South of the boarder where the tuna fish play?" He finally cracks. "Goddamn it! Give it a fuckin' rest already. Just ask me what you have to ask." There is no more fun now. I think he might hit me, he's that pissed off. "Forget it." I hurry off before he can wring my neck.

…

I had Harry drive me to the mall today; it was a regular cluster-fuck, He pulls into the parking lot. I'm already aggravated. He was supposed to take me here over an hour ago. Now he can't find a fuckin' place to park. "Huh. I can't seem to find a spot. Should I park the car, Dougie?" "NO! Pull the car up your ass and wait here for me! Of course park the fuckin' car!" What a fuckhead. I leave him in the car and go into the mall.

Before I can go into the store, my cell rings. I look at the caller ID; it's Tom. Ya know what? Every time I hear his voice on the phone, I know that it is going to cost me in one way or another. I answered it and he started yammering at me. After about 2 minutes I snap my phone shut. Most of that call was wasted on his wonderful rant. He knows to call me only if it is an emergency. How the fuck is 'Danny got his dick stuck in the hole in watering can?' a fuckin' emergency?! Can someone please explain this to me? I sense no danger there. My phone is going off again. Christ. It's Tom. I'm just going to answer it or he'll keep on fuckin' calling me.

"Whada want?" "I need some money. The ambulance guy wants payment before they can take Danny to the hospital." What the fuck is this? I thought that the government paid these fuckin' people. Somethin' smells fishy and it is not the slutty bimbo in front of me. "Tom, you need money? You can have it if you can suck it out of my ass!" I slam my phone shut. He doesn't call back; I think that he got the fuckin' message.

-The pimp who didn't know that he was a pimp, Dougie Poynter


	11. Chapter 11

INSIDE THE PERVERTED MIND OF DOUGIE POYNTER CHAPTER 11

THURSDAY:

Already today it has been a great day; notice the sarcasm in that. That cock gobbler Harry was supposed to wake me up but he forgot. I thought that he was supposed to be the smart one. Goddamn it! I glance into the mirror and what I see makes my eyes fall out and land on the floor. While I am picking my eyeballs up and wiping them off, Harry comes up behind me. "Oh, good, Dougie, I was just going to wake you up. "Where the fuck were you?! I don't want to hear it if you were at an all night circle jerk! God, I look horrid! I look like I am wearing your mother' muff on my head!" Harry's fully awake now. "My mum's what?!" "You heard me! Your mum's muff." Harry shoves me into the sink. It's on now motherfucker! I shove him back and he falls over my pants that are lying on the floor. "Eat shit." Harry rubs his elbow. "Me? No , you eat shit! I'm not the one who eats Tom's cooking!" I shout at him and slam the door in his fuckin' face.

.....

I'm in trouble with Tom right now. All because I was caught by him up on the roof smoking and accidentally set fire to some shit. It wasn't my fault! Here I was sittin' on the roof, minding my own goddamn business, havin' a smoke not bothering anybody and that asshole sneaks up behind me. He scares the shit out of me and I drop my fuckin' cigarette. My cigarette rolls off the roof and sets fire to the bushes below and a small part of Danny's garden. He (Tom) has smoking blowing out of his asshole, but I see it was a opportune time to add to the flames. I turn to Tom and smile. "At least it wasn't your bush that caught fire." He pushes me off the roof.

....

Fuckin' a! Tom took me bowling today. I sat counting the hairs on my nut sac for most of the time, it was so boring. Tom sat me down and told me that I was to put his score into the computer. It said, "ENTER PLAYER'S NAME", so I entered "fat ass", by nickname for him. After the game he wanted a print out of the score card. His eyes flicked over to the spot where the player's name is listed. His eyes linger on the spot for a moment before he explodes with anger. "What the fuck is this?!" He snorts at me, pointing to the spot where it reads "fat ass". I shrug and decide to play dumb. "I dunno. Who do you think it is?" Tom's face is fire engine red; it looks like his head is going to explode!

"I know that you put my name in there as fat ass! My ass is not that big!" He turns around, smacks his ass and it jiggles a bit. I feel nauseous. "How would you like it if I put your name in there as cock juggler?" Thank God, I am in a pubic place because he can't hurt me for what I am about to say. "Well then, Tom, you would only be 25% right." Tom stops in his tracks. "What the fuck did you just say?" "I have decided that I am only gay above the waist. I don't want a guy's dick in my mouth or in my ass." Tom sits down and I know that he's curious now.

"What if the other guy wants to suck on your dick?" He asks. What the fuck is he trying to say here? He wants to suck me off? I'll pass thank you. I'd rather be poisoned by semen back up then have him suck it out of me. "Ah, the other guy can do that, I suppose." "Let's go home." He picks up his score card and skips out of the bowling alley. I have no idea what the fuck he is so giddy about and I am not going to ask either. He can keep his sick fuckin' fantasies to his fuckin' self! At least he has forgotten about the score sheet; one less thing that I have to worry about,

Tom hums along to the radio the whole way home. Once I tried to change the station in his car and he slapped my hand so hard that he broke it. Now, I keep my hands on my lap in his car.

.....

Danny has a new girlfriend and she is fuckin' hot. I want to rub her panties all over my face; stick my head into her cleavage! Danny is giving me the hairy eyeball treatment from across the coffee table. His arm is around her waist and I'm pissed off about it. I just want to pop him in the ball over it.

Danny leaves to take a piss and I stare at her cleavage while he is gone. CHRIST! I am going to need an oxygen mask to go diving into that bitch's cleavage! Danny comes back and glares at me. I think that Danny can read minds; he must be able to, judging my the fact that he is giving me a look that could fry ice. In my head I watch a little film of Danny making Tom's head explode using only his mind. I laugh and look over at him. "I'm going to get us a pizza. You two be good while I'm gone." She winks at me, but Danny doesn't notice. I'm thankful that he doesn't he is itching to pull my spleen out and he is looking for any excuse to do it. He leaves Amy and me alone. I'm as nervous as a bad Catholic in a confessional.

She sits down next to me. "Now that he's gone, what would you like to do?" Think Dougie. THINK!!! "I would like to have sex with you." I freeze. "I mean, if you don't want to, you don't have to...uh, if you don't like my suggestion, just hit me!" I brace myself to be hit, but her purse never makes contact with my head. I open one eye and look over at her. I see that she is fixin' her tits and putting on more of that lippy goo. "Ready?" she asks me. Is she asking me what I think she's asking? My heart race increases; I feel like I am going to have an asthma attack! And they funny thing is, I don't have asthma! She rips my pants off with the same force that is used in launching rockets.

I'm totally getting into the swing of things when the front door slams open and Danny strodes in with the pizza box. He gets an eyeful of us on the sofa and drops the box. "What the fuck is this?" "Ah, and erotic massage?" He looks as angry as fuck! I don't really blame Danny for his anger; if I had walked in and found my girlfriend being fucked by a good looking guy, with the body of an athlete with a really huge dick, I would have gone apeshit too. I probably would have stuck little shards of broken glass up the little hole in his dick.

I try to pull out, but I can't; I'm stuck in there. "Danny! I can't pull out, I'm stuck. Her pussy must have cramped or something!" Danny's face goes from beat red to the colour of sour milk in under a second. "What the fuck did you just say? Oh, My God! HARRY!" Harry slides into the living room. "Yeah, Danny? HOLY SHIT!" Harry spots us on the sofa. "A little hanky panky gone a rye, huh?" Danny doesn't look impressed and neither do I. How can he do this to me? Did I make fun of him to his face when he got that rubber ball lodged in his asshole? No, but it was really tempting. "Grab hold of Dougie and pull. I'm gonna pull Amy." Harry grabs me under the arms. "Ready?" I sure as shit am not ready! Before I can say anything they pull and I cry out in pain. "Not the best idea." Danny mutters. Well, what the fuck did he think was going to happen? Did he really think that I would come sliding out of there like a kid on a toboggan? What a fuck off. I'm glad that he is not a doctor; now there is a real fuckin' dangerous thought.

I'm going to call an ambulance!" Harry hurries off to get his sits on the coffee table glaring daggers at me. "I'm sorry. I don't know what came over me." Danny looks over at Amy. "I know you're sorry. Sometimes you just get caught up in the heat of the moment. These kind of things just happen." "Yeah, I'm sorry too." Danny looks over at me and nearly sets me ablaze. "Don't fuckin' talk to me right now." He turns away from me. Sure, he can forgive that bimbo, but he won't forgive me, his best mate! The guy who showed him how to give oral sex! Man, did he get cunty! I'm honestly surprised about his attitude. I didn't expect him to get like this with me. Arrogant bastard and ungrateful piece of shit!

Harry comes in, his shit eating grin from ear to ear. Ass-bag. "They are on their way and they have the ER prepped for surgery." Surgery?! What the fuck! Why can't they just give her a muscle relaxant? I don't want to lose my dick; he's still so young and has so many more places left to explore.

Harry laughs as the paramedics carry us out of the house and into the ambulance. Danny is nowhere in sight and I am afraid of what he is going to do to me.

....

Thankfully, as usual, Harry was wrong about the surgery. I'm still sore and my balls are all bruised. I think that I am going to stick to oral sex from now on, just to be on the safe side. Harry and Tom come to visit me in the hospital. It was nothing serious, but they wanted to keep me over night for observation. Tom made some bogus-ass comment about wanting to keep me for mental observation. I was about to beat his instants out with my pudding spoon, but Harry told me that if I do that I might end up in in the mental ward. And no one wants to be there; not even with all the morphine you could steal would be worth it. I guess I will just steal some from Tom- he's got some in his pillow.

-Your prescription drug lord, Dougie Poynter

PS I am hopelessly addicted to my doctor and I don't want to go to rehab for it. I just want to fuck her!


	12. Chapter 12

INSIDE THE PERVERTED MIND OF DOUIGE POYNTER CHAPTER 12

FRIDAY

It's early in the am and and a fights already broken out over breakfast. I sipped my apple juice while I watched Harry beat the shit out of Danny with a wooden cooking spoon. Tom comes into the kitchen and tries to break up the fight; Danny and Harry aren't impressed. They gang up on him and knock the ever living Christ out of him, then go back they beating the shit out of each other. I just found out that Harry is dismembering Danny over the last piece of bacon. I eat it when they have their backs to me. They eye me angrily and I dash away before they can spill my blood too.

...

I walk out into the backyard to see a trampoline. What the fuck are we gonna do with one of those? I don't see any of us climbing up on it and bouncing around on it. I know that I won't be; I have a level of self respect that I want to maintain. Tom comes out dressed like fuckin' Richard Simmons; headband and everything. "Where the fuck are you going?" "Hey, Dougie, check out what I've got!" I glance at him. "A small wing wong?" Tom gives me a look; It looks like he is constipated. "No, you fuck head! I've got me a magical trampoline." I roll my eyes. Like I couldn't see that hunk of shit already? "No such thing. Aren't you a little old to believe in fuckin' wishes and magic, Tom?" "Hell no! Magic is real, Dougie. Check this one out. I WISH I WAS NAKED!" I turn away from Sir Bounce A Lot. Thank God that Tom is so full of shit, so I don't have to see his non existing dick.

"Is it nice to be a fuckin' asshole, Tom?" I laugh and head towards the house. "DOUGIE! See I wasn't lying." I turn to see Tom jumping stark naked. "HOLY JESUS!" "I wish that I had a naked hooker." Great, now my cousin is gonna bounce in the buff with Tom. A hooker appears and I am thankful that it isn't my cousin. I'm also thankful that I don't have to see my cousin's bush again. "Can I try the trampoline?" "Ah, no." NO?! "Why the fuck not?" " 'Cause you're too old for wishes and magic." How dare he try to analyse me with his holier than holy logic! I'm younger than him, what the fuck is he talking about? Sometimes I feel that I can talk more sense and get more information out of a steamed carrot.

Before I look like a giant asshole, I want Tom to prove to me that the trampoline is really magical. He studied magic in high school, so I have to give him something hard to work with. "Prove to me that thing is really magical." Tom gives me a smug face. "Okay, Dougie. I wish for a bigger dick!" "Real clever wish, Tom. If that tic-tac gets any bigger, I'll give you my left ball. "What do you call this?" Tom points down and my eyes explode. "FUCK ME!" Tom's got his Richard Simmons attire back on and he's getting off the trampoline. "Looks like you owe me a testicle." Goddamn it.

....

Thankfully, I was able to bribe Tom so I could keep my ball. All it took was my Tila Tequila poster and 50 stamps. I dunno what he's gonna do with that stuff, but as long he aint botherin' me I don't really fuckin' care. I could give three fucks about Tom and his-hold that thought there is a knock at the door.

For the love of Queen Margaret Mum! A giant box was in the doorway when I opened it. The post delivery man (Linda was sick) told me that I had to sign for the package. I signed it like a small child would sign their name in crayon. Why? One must never be too careful, you know. That box could be filled with leather ass-less chaps and strap-ons. I don't want my name in that. Who would? Maybe Marilyn Monroe, but not me. I rip open the cardboard box to find another box. What the fuck is this? Some bloody wank sent me a box inside of a box? Brainless gits in this country! I rip open the other box to find a Hovercraft.

Hot damn! It's sweet. I think that I'm gonna go out and pop a wheelie on this motherfucker! Danny comes up behind me. "What's that?" I nearly jump out of my skin. Can't he act normal?! I don't mean plain as dry shit on the sidewalk, like my cousin, Jools, but well, you know. "It's a Hovercraft, you piece of miserable shit eating vermin." "Wow! Who sent it to you?" Then it dawns on me that I never looked for a card of some sort. "Ah, I dunno. Maybe God sent it to me because he felt that I deserved it or something." "Danny's eyebrows go up so high that they disappear into his bangs. I wish that I could do that eyebrow trick. Once Harry shaved my eyebrows off. It was funny, but then I realised that I looked ridiculous without eyebrows. Tom's comment caused my scrotum to explode with anger. "Hey, if you drew a face on my ass it would look like Dougie!" Just because he has got a hair-less ass, he thinks that he's Christ. Having a hair-less ass doesn't make you special, it makes you fuckin' weird. They broke the weird-o mold when they made Tom. I wonder what cabbage leaf his mum found him under.

"Danny you look like an elf when you do that eyebrow thing." He gives me possibly the biggest grin in the universe. "I know, but at least I am a tall and sexy elf." Since when in the name of fuck are elves sexy? I think that he must do LSD rectally or something. "So my little goblin, are we going to try out your new toy?" He just called me a fuckin' goblin! I shove him and he looks at me with shock. Goblin boy will kick your sorry elf ass! I slip on a piece of cardboard and my face land's in Danny's crotch. "You like what you see?" I pinch his sac. "Blow me, Danny." I sit up and start to walk off. Danny grabs me by the back of my jeans. "How do you want me to blow you?" Bloody hell! Before I can say anything Harry dashes into the hall with a Jammy Dodger. "What the fucks going on out here?" Why does he always show up at the worst possible times? He must have a direct line with God.

"Dougie told me to blow him." Harry drops his biscuit and jam sputters all over my legs, sneakers and shorts. "Hey look! Dougie's got his period!" Danny and Harry slap high fives. What the fuck is this? Some kind of scandal at the goddamn sorority house? I dig my Hovercraft out of the box remains and head outside. I can't believe them! Actually, I can. Same shit, different day.

I hop onto my Hovercraft and blow down the street. I'm goin' like the hammers of hell when I nearly hit Tom. "What the fuck is your issue, Tom?" I'm really pissed off! How dare he step out in front of me when I'm crusin'. He's crusin for a brusin! That iron clad douche bag! That was a good one! (insert obnoxious laughter here) "Hey Dougie! Wanna hover-race? I've got one of those two!" Tom dashes away and returns with his Hovercraft. It's a piece of shit; it's got Starwars and Nasa stickers all over it. How in the name of fuck did he ever get laid? He got some before me, too. He must have friends in high places. Why don't I? What have I done wrong? Never-mind, God don't answer that.

"Ready? GO!" Tom and I are off like a prom dress. I'm about to pass him when he slams into me. Bloody cheater! I slam him back and race ahead of him. "Lick my asshole, Benedict Arnold!" I'm laughing at my own brilliant joke when I smash into the lap post. Tom zooms by me and wins.

....

Thankfully, me and my hovercraft are okie-dokie. There's a spot of luck for ya! God must not be too pissed with me judging by those supreme results. I think that I need to get drunk to celebrate. Harry drives me and the other two tards come along for the ride. We would have taken Tom's car, but on out goings like this he gets sloshed. And his car has enough dents in his car from when Nascar Master, Danny was behind the wheel. Speaking of cars, Danny got a new one. He got into an accident (as usual) and smashed the front of the car on the driver's side. He hit a telephone box. How he did it, I dunno, but that was enough to make me stay clear of his driving.

We pull up to Harry's new place. I've never been here before, but he says that it is all the rage. Danny, Tom and I push and shove to get out of the car. Tom wins as usual. I've got an ice cream cone and it's dripping all over my t-shirt. I have to keep slurping to make sure that I don't waste any. Tom sees the sign in the window and tutters, "22 years of age and older. Great! What the fuck are we gonna do now?" Damn it! Is got out to get me again? I wish that he would just stop fucking with me. Maybe he gets a laugh out of it; I know that I get pleasure out of fucking with people. "ID please." They all hand over their IDs but me. "You can't come in." He says to me when Tom manages to fish my ID out of my pants. "He has to stay with us, sir. He is mentally retarded and he cannot be left alone." The guys looks over at me and I'm slurping like a dog to keep it from dripping. "I see. All of you get on in there. Have a very special night." "Whatever." I mumble at him, my mouth filled with ice cream.

Wait a goddamn minute! He thinks I'm mentally retarded! I should go and kick that guy's ass! Harry grabs me by the shirt collar and holds me back. "Do you want to get drunk or not?" Goddamn it! Harry and his logic, who the fuck does he think he is? Anyhow, he does make a good point. I hit the bar so hard that panels on the side of the bar nearly fall off. I'm drinkin' my fuckin' face off when Danny comes up next to me. "Having a good time?" "Goddamn right I am!" I slur at him. "We've been here 10 minutes and you are already intoxicated two times over the legal limit." He says this to me as if it is a mortal sin. "So? God, I'm gonna fuckin' puke!" I vomit into a potted plant and Danny does that stupid eyebrow bullshit that he does. He's got 12 eyebrows. WHOA! How much have I had to drink? I dunno.

I stumble and fall into Tom's tits. I puke down into his shirt. "JESUS CHRIST! Harry come and get this vomit machine! Bloody hell, he's like a hose!: Harry and Tom carry me out with Danny floating behind us like a fuckin' moth. They tie me to the roof of the car so I can't puke in the car. I puke and it rains down on the windshield. I can hear Harry inside swearing like a sailor. Good, it makes me happy to see him this aggravated. Wait! Round four or five! BLAH!!

....

I wake up in the morning with a headache the size of Ireland. I wake up in a puddle of puke and for some reason there is something sticky in my hair. It's not puke; I haven't got the slightest idea what it is. I have a gut feeling that it's cum. That's usually what I find in my hair. I'm not wearing any pants either. I roll over and look down. JESUS FUCKIN' CHRIST! I look down to see that my bush is as blond as the hair on my head. What the fuck went down last night? Harry and Danny go by my room, then take a s step back and glance into my room. How come they aren't hung over like I am? I must have made God's shit list last night. I know that I have made Danny's at least once or twice. They smile at me. "What the fuck happened last night?" The smiles fade a bit. "You don't remember anything?" Danny asks. Fuckin' genius over there! Why the fuck would I ask if I knew!

"No, I don't! Goddamn." Harry sighs, just like my mum. Maybe I slid out of his vagina. You never know. "You screamed and shouted that you wanted to get your bush frosted at the salon. Finally after two hours of whining and crying, we gave in and took you there." Tom appears in the doorway. "Yeah. It was a hoot watching you try to get your bush to fit under the dryer! Goddamn! You nearly set it on fire! But watching them put the tin foil all over your bush and frost it was fuckin' hilarious!" I can't recall any of that; maybe it's a good thing. "Well, uh, at least you don't have any pictures." Harry smiles at me and I know that I'm wrong. "Let me guess, you have some on your cell phone." "Are you a mind reader Dougie?" No, I have common sense, dick-hole. "Yes, Harry, I am. You are thinking about pussy right now." Harry's jaw drops. " Holy shit I am!" "That's not mind reading! He's always got pussy on the brain!" Tom snarls at me. Tom can go fuck himself. He's just jealous that he doesn't have my talents.

Well, at least my bush looks great! Goddamn, I'm like fuckin' Jessica Alba over here! Hold on! I've got a new tattoo on my inner thigh. Let me have a good look at it. By God! It's a tattoo of a little four leaf clover man, mooning someone with his middle finger sticking up. Hold on a tic...the face on that thing looks familiar. IT LOOKS LIKE BLOODY HARRY! God, no! I don't want Harry's face that close to my ball sac. Every time I'm gettin' myself off or the ever so rare, having actual sex, I am gonna have to see his face. Isn't that a bloody treat? Maybe I can have the tattoo reworked so it looks better. I wouldn't mind Burt Reynolds hangin' around my ball sac, but Harry?! Bleeding Christ.

-The only guy you know who has a frosted bush Dougie Poynter.


	13. Chapter 13

INSIDE THE PERVERTED MIND OF DOUGIE POYNTER CHAPTER 13

SATURDAY

Fuck me! I've got an ingrown hair on my nut sac and it hurts like a motherfucker. I can't pull it out myself; I don't think that I have the stomach to handle it. I'm not gonna call Harry. His face is already in my ball sac's face, and I don't need another one of him hanging around there. I'm not going to call on Tom either; I don't trust him near my junk with a pair of tweezers. With my luck he'll pull out all but the infected hair out. Then my sac will swell up to the size of a grapefruit and ooze green puss. Getting laid is hard enough, but if I have that goin' out, I won't ever get any.

My last and only option is to call on Danny. I could call my mum, but that would be too embarrassing. Havin' my mum lookin' at my junk-shit, I'd probably die of humiliation. "Danny! Yo! Can you come here and help me for a second?" "Yeah?" He appears in my doorway wearing a flowered sun-hat, oversized sunglasses, boxers with penguins on them and bright pink flip flops. I stare at his attire for a moment, not daring to say anything. "Uh, oh. Wow." Is all that I can say. I can't find words to tell him what I think of his outfit. Plus, I don't want to piss him off and have him do something really shitty to my crotch. Like when I had that rash-never mind. It is horrifying to think about, let alone write about it. "So what do you need help with?" "I've got an ingrown hair, ya see and I was wonderin' if you-" He cuts me off. "Fuck yes! I would be delighted to do that for ya. I'll be right back." I'm scared now. I should have just mustered up the balls and done it myself. Danny comes in with the largest tweezers that I have ever seen. They look like two sharp silver toothbrushes glued together.

"Lie back, Dougie." I lie back with a little hesitation. I have no clue what the fuck is going on. Danny ties my wrists and ankles to the bedposts with some kind of rope. This can't be good. He places duct tape over my mouth. HOLY SHIT! Is he going to rape me? He's better than Harry and Tom in the sac I've heard, but-Just relax! You don't know that he is going to rape you. Although it is a very possible occurrence. "Why did you put a piece of tape over my mouth?" I ask him. I dunno how he heard it because it was all muffled. Maybe he has done this before! I can only imagine what number victim I might be. Oh, sweet Lord Jesus, save me from this unwanted fondling! I mean I want it but, I don't think that I want it from him. "It's so the neighbours wont hear you scream when I pluck that hair out. Now where am I going with this?" "Sac Area." He nods and pulls my pants down.

"Ready?" He doesn't wait for my answer. He dives at my sac like a hawk after a fish. I can't yell-it is only muffled sound. He rips the hair out with such force that I think that he has pulled my sac off too. It burns a little. OOH. Danny unties me and pulls the tape off my yap. "See? Wasn't so bad was it?" I shake my head. "I guess. You really know what you are doin' down there." He looks extremely proud. He only pulled out a hair! What give him the authority to strut around like a fuckin' peacock? Tom's arrogance is filling this house, thank you; I don't need Danny's as well. "I'm taking this class on bush waxing." I nearly swallow my tongue. "Come again?" I wheeze. He nods. "Best class ever." Danny leaves me alone, left only with the thought of bush waxing classes. Who knew that you could study such a brilliant thing in college?!

....

It's a lovely day, so I am outside sunning myself. Tom looms over me and blocks my sun. "Move it lard ass!" I bark at him. He sits down next to me. Can't I ever have any alone time? Probably not. "Dougie, why are your shorts unzipped?" Huh? Dash it all. I've gotta lie so I don't look like a stupid asshole. "They are unzipped to keep the breeze flowin'. " Tom looks like he is going to melt. "Keep the breeze flowing?" "Huh, huh. That way my sac doesn't get all sweaty and gross. And I ain't goin' out and buyin' one of those £100 crotch fans. They can go suck a dick if they think that is happening." I put my sunglasses back on and Tom falls silent. "They actually sell crotch fans?" Is he gonna bother me over this now? Doesn't he have someone to go fuck? "Yeah, they do." Tom doesn't notice the tone of annoyance in my voice and keeps his bullshit charade up. "Where do they make them?" I snap. "Finland or something! How the fuck would I know?!" Does he get pleasure out of making me blow blood vessels? He should see my medical bills, I bet he wouldn't be fuckin' laughing after that.

"What do you want, Tom?" "I was wondering if you wanted to do something with me." I lift my sunglasses and do the Danny eyebrow trick. Yeah, I finally mastered it. "Why would I do something with you?" All you like is boring shit." I lower my sunglasses back down. "Well, Dougie, I wanted to know if you wanted to go to the mall." The mall? What the fuck is he on? How old are we? Two fuckin' 13 year old girls? "Uh, I'll pass. I've got important business to accomplish today." I push my sunglasses back up and wait for his reply. "Fondling your balls every 15 minutes is important business?" Fuckin' Mr. Wise Ass has to make a comment. Doesn't he ever get sick of this shit? I do. "Yeah, it is. And sometimes your hand cramps up." Even through the deep glossy jet black of my shades I can see Tom's face. He's really pissed off for some reason. "Jealousy is unbecoming, Tom." He snorts like a bull and flips over the other lawn chair. "ASSHOLE!" He stomps away leaving deep footprints in the lawn.

Too bad it is supposed to be cold and frosty tomorrow; fuckin' December. Sunning has lost it's fun, so I'm gonna go into the house and annoy Harry. He can annoy me, then I can annoy him. Tit for tat; it's in the Bible. I open the door to find Harry sitting on the sofa with his new girlfriend. Horseface. Imagine her giving you a blow job! It must be like havin' Mr. Ed suckin' on your dick! the fuckin' teeth on that broad! Oh, my God! I have to stop before I get sick.

Harry glances over to se me making gagging faces in the doorway. "Uh, Dougie, are you okay?" I nod. "Me go to room now." Is what I can get out without making any off colour remarks. Harry looks at me. "What the fuck are you on?" I dash away because I know that if I open my mouth again I'll say stupid shit. If I say stupid shit that will cause Harry to climb over the sofa and beat my ass. I learned that during and online physics class; the chain reaction theory thingy. Who's to say that I don't know shit?

I make it to my room and slam the door shut. I'm laughing like a complete asshole stain when Danny comes in. "What is wrong with you? You scared Harry and Gina downstairs." I look up at him. "His girlfriend's name is Gina?" I break into another fit of hysterical laughter. "What is so fuckin' funny?" I don't dare tell him; I don't know if he's on my side or on Harry's. Gina...Holy shit! Her name is such a part of a sexual term! I am so fuckin' jealous! "Whatever. I'll see you later." He rolls his eyes and slams the door. What's his problem? You know what? Fuck him; just because he doesn't know a good joke when he hears one, doesn't mean that he has the right to get all cunty like that.

....

I was just thinkin' about what Thin Mint had to say to me. Here I was making a Sunday, not bothering him, when Tom has to come up behind me. He eyes my Sunday and says, "That will make you fat. you know." I glance over at him. "You'd know, Tom. Harry told me that he caught you wolfing down three extra large tacos with all the fixings." Tom looks pissed. "Harry doesn't know shit." Uh, huh. Just what I thought he'd say. "Oh, yeah? Then why do you have salsa all over your t-shirt?" I'm waiting to see if he can lie his way out of this one. "Oh, that? Harry spilled on me." He can't lie worth shit! If I was his father I would be so disappointed; not only in him, but in myself as well. Why? Because then I'd know that I was a failure at being a parent. What kind of a parent can't teach their kid to tell a decent lie?! A shitty one-I'll just leave it at that. I don't need to go into Tom's horrifying family genetics. I already have horrible nightmares as it is.

Danny wanders into the kitchen to find out of what's going on. "What's goin' on in here?" He looks at Tom. I turn to face my Sunday. "Dougie is eating a HUGE Sunday." Tom informs him. What the fuck is he? The county newspaper? National Information Centre Man? Danny glances at me, then at my Sunday. "That will make you fat." I lose my temper. "What?" "You'll be fat. Why don't you share all that?" "Go to hell you fuckin bulimic! I'm not gonna share with you, because I know that you are just gonna go and puke it up 10 minutes later!" Danny turns scarlet and falls silent. He thought that I didn't know! 10 points for me. Tom looks at Danny. "You're bulimic?" Danny turns away from him. "I don't want to talk about it." "Come on, Danny!" Tom pleads with him. I've had enough of this shit. Tom's gonna play fuckin' Dr. Phil now, so I'm just gonna go watch a film.

I'm sitting in the large comfy chair we have when Harry tweaks me in the back of the head. "What the fuck was that for?" He gives me a stern parental look while I eat my ice cream. I look over and he's not impressed. "Why did you call Danny out like that?" He demands. "That's none of your fucking business, Harry." He's livid now. He mutes the telly. Thank God it's a commercial, so I don't have to get that pissed off about it. "You little piece of shit!" Harry loses his temper for some reason and knocks me to the floor. My bowl goes flying and lands on my head. I try to wipe the ice cream and chocolate sauce that is running down my face off, but Harry has my pinned to the floor. "Harry, calm down!" "Fuck being calm! I've gotta defend Danny's honour!" What? Why does he have to defend Danny's honour? Is Danny his fuckin' wife or something?

"Bleeding Christ get off of me!" Harry gets off, only to sick my ice cream spoon up my ass. Tom runs into the living room when he hears my cries for help. He doesn't help; he just sits there laughing like a touch-hole. He's gonna get it. Maybe I'll put rat poison inside one of his tacos. That will teach that fat asshole a lesson.

....

I've just pulled the spoon out of my asshole and it hurt. This is all Danny's fault! If he hadn't stuck his dick in where it didn't belong this would not have gone on. Because of his need to be an asshole, he pushed me to my limits, causing me to snap and use a personal attack on him. And if I hadn't made a remark about one of his many issues, Then there is that fuckin' pussy fart, Harry! Fuck him too. He is suck a nosey fuck. He should be dipped in kerosene and set on fire.

Tom started the whole thing though, with his ice cream inquisition. Who the fuck does he think he is? Magnum P.I? I'll stick his magnifying glass in his asshole if he wants to continue. That sounds like a plan, except for the fact that he would probably enjoy it. He'd pretend that it's Bono's dick. "FUCK ME HARDER BONO!!" Jesus, I'm making myself sick here. I've gotta cut this out before I end up sitting next to the can taking turns vomiting with Danny. Fuck, then we could turn it into a sport and sell it! We'd call it. "Extreme Vomiting." We can paint a little bull's eye on the inside of the bowl and you can vomit your way to a new high score! Enough of this before I start writing a rule book on this fuckin' shit.

....

I bought Tom a Daddy's Girl Training Bra. He punched me in the kidneys for about 15 minutes before it caught Harry's attention. He pulled Tom off of me and left me in a crumpled heap on the floor. He can stick his ass into the situation, but he can't fuckin' help me?! I should feed him to the giant monitor lizard at the zoo. I do love to sneak into the zoo late at night and feed him candy. I call him Eddie. I don't think Eddie would want to eat Elvis aka Harry. I forgot to mention earlier that I have decided to call Harry Elvis. I decided this because of his fuckin' sideburns; GODDAMN! It's like 2 hunks of carpet glued next to his ears, just like goddamn, Elvis. What a fuckin' thing to aspire to! A fat, drugged out, honky with no education, no life and no balls. I'm gonna end on this bogus topic now, otherwise I'll be here all day shooting balls of flaming shit at Elvis.

Bulimia King is now ignoring me. I tried to be nice to him! I asked him if he wanted a bite of my hoagie. He gave me the finger and went back to his book. It must have been because of what I did to him last night. He was puking his guts out (as usual) when I waltzed into the loo and asked, "Will you teach me how to do that?" He shoved me and told me to get the fuck away from him. Humph. I was just curious, and I really wanted to know. Last time that I attempted it, I nearly swallowed my toothbrush; Harry had to run in and do the Himlick Manoeuvre on me. Tom pissed himself he was laughing so hard. It's gonna be real fuckin' funny when he's trying to get away from Eddie.

-Eddie's lord and master, Dougie Poynter


	14. Chapter 14

INSIDE THE PERVERTED MIND OF DOUGIE POYNTER CHAPTER 14

SUNDAY

I just found out from a book that Danny gave me that I am going to fry in hell for eternity. The book was about not making fun of people who have disorders-aka his bulimia issue. What the fuck? Did I make fun of him in any way? Huh, he probably thought that I was going to, so he gave me the book to save himself the trouble of doing it late. I'm so thrilled that he thinks so little of me. Do I really give a shit about his issue? No. Making yourself vomit up a meal is a sport in my opinion, not an issue. We should just go on Dr. Phil and get it over with. Do you see anyone making an issue out of my high level of alcohol consumption? I fuckin' don't. You don't see me runnin' around with a book on issues, sticking it in everyone's ass. I think that Danny should just save himself the trouble and keep his fuckin' yap-o shut. Goddamn baby.

So anyway, the book said that it was some sort of sin to make fun of people like that. And according to the Bible that Tom forced me to read, sinners who sin big (apparently me) end up frying in hell. I don't know what message Danny was trying to send me, but at least I know that it is hypocritical. He's gonna end up in between Harry and me, burning in hell. And Tom is gonna be in one of the deepest pits for sure. Tom in the deepest pit of hell, kinda gives you a good feeling, doesn't it? I know that it makes me feel fabulous!

....

Harry caught me lying to Danny today. (Yep, there is goes, stickin' his ass into everything.) "Why do you always lie, Dougie?" I shrug. "Are you going to be a professional liar when you finally grow up?" Now I'm really gonna set his bush on fire. "Actually, yes I am. I am holding a lying seminar at the local community college next week." Harry narrows his eyes and stomps off. I really the man today.

....

Goddamn' fuckin' Dr. Tom had an intervention for Danny today. I've never seen Danny so pale in my life; and he usually is as pale as the China moon. Even his freckles had faded a bit. Harry sat tapping his foot impatiently. That hypocritical asshole;the other day he nearly punctured my asshole with a spoon because I was "being insensitive" to Danny's "condition", but today he could give three fucks about Danny's issues because the rugby game is on. Now that the shoe is on the foot, he thinks that it's okay to blow Danny off. Now he'll be be frying in hell for sure! Danny should have poked that fuckin' book in Harry's face and forced him to read it. It's clear that he needs that book more than I do.

"We're here because we love and care about Danny." Tom starts off. Harry hmphs in the corner. "Not fuckin' me" He mumbles. Tom doesn't hear the comment an drones on. "Danny, we want you to admit that you have a problem. We will be here to support you through the things that you are going through." Danny looks like he is going to vomit; and this time it's not because he wants to. "I- I have an eating disorder." "So does my fuckin' sister." Harry grumps. This time Tom hears the comment and loses his temper. "You shut the fuck up! If you think that a bloody rugby match is more important than Danny's well being then, by all means, rush to the telly." Harry is out of his chair in under a second. Tom is beat red and furious; he expects behaviour like this from me, not from Harry. I celebrate a personal victory. I love seeing Tom like this! I hope he blows out his asshole muscle!

.....

Tom doesn't think that we show Danny any support. Fuck Tom and his stupid ideas. He wants me to show him that I support Danny and that I care about him,? Then I will do just that. I don't think that it is any of Tom's business, but I love fucking with him, so I will give him what he wants. Danny and I are sitting on the sofa whispering with each other when Tom comes into the room and sits down with a drink. "It's good to see that you two are talking." I lub you lots, Danny! I am so glad that we had the chance to talk." As if on cue, Tom sticks his ass into the conversation. "You love Danny?" "Yeah, he's my buddy." I look at Danny. He winks at me and I know that he's ready to go for it. We move in and start making out with each other. Tom is disgusted on so many levels. "You both are fucked in the head!" He leaves the room all pissed off and shit. Well, excuse me! At least I wasn't the one who was caught with Harry's dick in my mouth.

"You're a good kisser." Danny tells me, and for some reason I am thrilled over this. "I'm glad that you liked it. You weren't bad yourself." Danny smiles at me. "Cool." We stand up and head to our bedrooms. I am glad we got Tom. That is what they call team work. We should start a school, one to educate people on the value of friendship and what can be accomplished with team work. Never mind that American Army shit that you see,, Danny and I will show you the way!

....

I see Tom reading Moby Dick. "Hey Tom." I call over at him. He marks his page and look up at me. "Yeah, Dougie?" "You know that book is about a whale and not some guy's huge penis." Tom does not look impressed. "You are such a dick hole, Dougie." I smile at him. "Yeah, I am." Tom doesn't ay anything, he just goes back to reading. "Have fun being disappointed!" I scamper off before Tom gets out of the chair and smacks me around with his book. I love to read,but most people think I'm dumb. Harry does. He's told me this on many occasions. I don't know where anyone would get that idea from. That reminds me of the time that Tom forced me to copy lines out of the dictionary. He got his asshole in a bind over something that I did; nothing out of the ordinary there. I learned a lot of new words, so now I can insult Tom in words that he doesn't even know. Ha ha ha! Once again, his own ignorance has fucked him in the ass. I'll be right back, I am going to go get a sandwich before Mr. Bulimia hits the kitchen.

.....

You'll never believe what just fuckin' happened to me! Well, I was getting it on in the shower with the neighbour girl that I have the hots for, when Danny slams into the bathroom. Hasn't that asshole ever heard of fuckin' knocking? I was trying not to moan as she ground on me. "I've gotta take a shit. Oh, hey Dougie. What's going on?" I hear him open up a magazine. "Not much!" I say, my voice unnaturally high pitched. Danny's not that stupid, so he is going to know that something is going on. "What the fuck is wrong with you? Are you trying to give yourself an enema with the shower hose again?" Of course, he had to pick up on my tone of voice. Jill looks up at me and mouths, 'Who the fuck is that?' Without thinking I say in a loud voice, "Danny." He lowers the paper. "Yeah? What the fuck do you need Tom? I'm kinda in the middle of something here. If you want me to wash behind your nut sac, you've gotta find someone else. Preferably someone with a strong stomach." I feel like getting out of the shower and beating the shit out of him while he is on the can, but if I do that, I will have to pull out of Jill, and I don't want to do that just yet. She licks my neck and I giggle. "Dougie, goddamn it! What the fuck is going on behind that curtain?" "Nothing. Uh, the hot water is so soothing." I hear Danny snort. Shit, he doesn't buy it. "What the fuck ever. I don't care if you have Harry in there giving you a blow job. What you put in your mouth is your own business in my book." How fuckin' thoughtful of him to say that. Jill presses her face into my stomach to keep from laughing. I'm glad that she is having a fuckin' good time. Why, God, do you punish me like this? Is it because of the time that I masturbated in Tom's wardrobe and then lied to him about it?

I hear the loo flush and I know that he's going to leave. I sigh with relief. "Later Dougie. And later fine-ass woman with the large headlights." He closes the door behind him. What the fuck did he just say? What the fuck are headlights? Oh yeah, tits! Jill pushes me and I slide out of her. "Does that little pervert live here?" I shake my head. "I have no idea who the fuck he is." "Fuck you! You do know who he is! You called him by name and had a conversation with him!" She gets out of the shower and steals my robe. "Good bye Dougie." She leaves me all alone in the shower. I turn off the water and climb out. How did Danny know that I had a woman in there? Then it hits me that the shower curtain, is a pale colour and you can see through it if you look directly at it. I can't believe that I didn't realise that! He must have been able to see it when he stood up. Maybe should be a porn star; that way I can get paid for all these embarrassing moments that I am forced to endure.

....

Danny is sitting in the living room watching the telly when I walk in. I am about to turn around when he calls me. "So, Dougie, who the fuck was that hottie?" Damn it. "Jill." "The bird who lives across the street? Damn, she is a tomcat. I would fancy a go with her." Huh? He wants to have sex with my imaginary girlfriend?! "Fuck you. She's with me." Danny laughs at my remark. "Not after that shower incident. You'll be lucky if you could buy one of those fine-ass broads for an evening. She can be your fantasy girlfriend and don't worry I won't touch her. I'm already seeing someone at the moment." Nice to know, I guess. Wait! Did he just say that he is seeing someone. Goddamn it, do I want details. I have to play it off cool, not make it seem like I am desperate for details. "Who are you going out with?!" Damn it. I sounded way too excited. "It's Harry's cousin." I think I shit myself. I wasn't expecting that one. "Are you for real?" "No, I was just jerking your chain, Dougie. Do you really think that I would tell you anything about my private life?" I'm really pissed off now. How dare he pull that shit with me! He'll be picking his teeth up off the floor if he wants to try that with me again. I am not in the mood to play his mind games. That little guy is evil! I think that he likes fucking with me on purpose. I never see him doing this kind of shit to Harry. Why not? What makes Harry so goddamn special? Okay, he has the body of a god, he's an amazing rugby player and he has money. Motherfucker. There is nothing like living with your sexual rival.

I leave Danny to watch the telly. I'm gonna go see what Harry does to make himself look gorgeous in the morning. Maybe if I'm lucky I can score some of that good shit too. I ain't gonna blow him for it. He can cross that thought out of his tiny mind. Then again, I don't think that Harry would like that. He is simply a pussy and ass kind of guy. Ya know? The ones that you see on the cover of Man of the Month Magazine telling all the jock-sniffer losers out there how to score some pussy. Tom leans over and reads what I am writing in my journal. "How do you know that Harry does that?" "Because I read his articles." Shit. That wasn't supposed to come out. Tom laughs and jeers at me. "That's a good one. Brilliant if you ask me." "Yeah? Well, no one fuckin' asked you!" I snarl at him and dash to my room. I can't believe that Tom now knows that I read Harry's articles on how to catch women. Now I am never going to hear the end of it. I am going to have to grow facial hair, dye my hair and change my name. Yeah, God must be on my case over the wardrobe incident.

I am sitting in my room putting a facial on when Danny strolls into my room. What is it with touch-holes in this house and knocking? Might as well rip the fuckin' door off the hinges, I don't need a door. No one ever knocks on the bloody thing. "What the fuck is on your face?" I shoot him a shit look. "It's a facial." Danny nearly falls over from shock. "Since when the fuck do you give two shits about what you look like?" I'm appalled by his remark. Who does he think he is? Wait, I know who he thinks he is; Danny Jones-Babe Magnet etc. Must be nice to be such a self absorbed asshole. "It's a mask used to tighten pores." Danny doesn't look like I have told him anything new. "Yeah I know. Tom uses those all the time. Then he goes and takes a long bubble bath." "How do you know what Tom does?" "Because, Tom and I do the same things. We take turns giving each other back rubs in the tub." I think my eardrums have exploded. I fall off the bed and Danny looks over at me, with no concern to ask me if I am okay or not. "I'm okay." I mutter, climbing back onto the bed. "Yeah, I know. You fell on your nasty ass." I grab Danny by his rubber chicken neck. "Take it back!!" I shout in his face. He wiggles free of my grip. "Back it the fuck off wonder-bread." Wonder-bread? What in the name of God's jim-jams is he on about? He leaves before I can ask him what he means by that. I need to get a pocket dictionary of his lingo or I'll be sitting here forever trying to figure out what the fuck he is on about.

-The master of the face mask, Dougie Poynter


	15. Chapter 15

INSIDE THE PERVERTED MIND OF DOUGIE POYNTER CHAPTER 15

MONDAY

I've just found out that Harry is dating a porn star. What the fuck gives? Come on God! Why did you give Harry such a wonderful gift? What aggravates me the most about this whole thing, is that Harry gets to star in a porn flick with her. That's my life goal; I wrote it on my career goal chart way before he ever thought of doing it. Bloody traitor. I don't know how it makes him a traitor, but I feel that he is one. It is so not fair! A girl and a porn contract! I have my naked ass all over the internet and still, the phone does not ring off the hook for porn contracts. OH NO! Is there something wrong with my ass? That could be the reason that they aren't calling. Or it could be the size of my cock. Tom once told me that I have dick fear; I do to a certain extent. I'm afraid that mine will be smaller than everyone else's and they will make fun of me for it. I once read somewhere that the main cause of war is dick fear. I don't think that can be the main cause. After all, England has a queen...oh! Now what does that mean for England? (These are the kinds of thoughts that kept me from doing well on exams.) Back to the issue at hand; I must consult Danny in matters like this. He usually knows what he is talking about.

Danny's on his laptop in his bedroom when I peak through the door. I thought that he had plans to go out today. I look out the window and it is raining; as usual. It doesn't really matter to me, I made a poncho out of two old pairs of Tom's boxers. I borrowed Harry's sewing kit and sewed them together. I am so glad that I have started taking those classes. "Danny, do you have a second? I really need to talk to you." He grunts at me. What the fuck is that supposed to mean? "I need to ask your advice on something." He spins around in his chair and is all ears now. As soon as I mention that he is involved, he pulls his head out of his asshole to listen. "Is there something wrong with my ass?" He looks at me funny for a second. "Come again?" "Danny, Is there anything wrong with my ass? I mean, does it look normal?" "How the fuck should I know?! Pull your shorts off so I can get a good look." I hesitate for a minute. "Either you pull them down or I will." Fuckin' a! He doesn't have to act like that. "Fine. I'll do it." I pull my shorts down, just as Tom is going by the door. He looks over and sees me touching my toes and Danny's head practically up my ass. Tom spits out his soda all over the floor and gasps for air. "What the fuck are you doing?!" He comes a little closer, but not much. Danny ignores him and I am too embarrassed to answer him. "Your ass looks okay to me. A little hairy, but other than that I see no issue with it." Well, that is a relief! I pull my shorts up and see that Tom is still hanging around in the doorway. Doesn't that fuckin' asshole have a life? "Jealous you missed out on the fun?" Danny asks him. I nearly fall over at that question. Tom sucks up some soda in his straw then spits it at Danny. Danny takes a plate off the desk and whips it at Tom's head. He misses, but it was still a good show. I leave Tom and Danny to argue. I have to go and buy a bum waxing kit.

....

Tom has decided that he wants to get a hot air balloon. Jesus Christ. What is he going to do with one of those? I think that it's a waste of money, to be perfectly frank. He could just use a pair of his boxers, for fuck's sake they are large enough. Yeah, just tie a pair of them mothers to a basket, put a blow torch underneath each leg hole and you've got yourself a fuckin' hot air balloon. Cheap and can be a fun do it yourself project. Tom is always telling me how hands on he is; let's put him to the fuckin' challenge.

....

I can't have a conversation with anyone in this fuckin' house. Today I was trying to tell Danny about the girl the I like down at he bowling alley; I thought that he might have some ideas on how to hook her. "You know what, Danny? I'd to date a nice red head." He glances up from his magazine to look at me. I expect him to ask me why or who at the very least, but he doesn't. He comes back with some crude filth. "Really? I've got a fuckin' Elmo over here in the toy chest." I'm not impressed with his response. Can't he ever be serious when I need him to be? "Cute. Real fuckin' cute." I tell him. Danny only winks at me. Christ, does he piss me off at times.

.....

I glance out the window to see that Harry and Tom have set up a lemonade stand out front. I see Danny going by and I pull him into my room. "What the fuck are they doing out there?" He rolls his eyes at my question. "They are trying to be richer than Bill Gates by selling lemonade." My mind melts at the stupidity of that. What is all this 'I am going to be richer than Bill Gates by selling lemonade' shit? I saw this steaming pile of worthless shit on the Internet the other day. If you want to be rich like that guy, then you have to sell the things that people want! Those things would be, in no set order, liquor, drugs, ass, tits, cock and pussy. Okay? You all got that?

Wanting to escape this bullshit, I head to the field where Harry used to play rugby; I wasn't even playing the game, but somehow I still managed to get the shit beat out of me. The local upper school practices here. I don't see them there, but I do see the lacrosse team. Lacrosse fucks-worst kind of sports vermin in my book. "Fuckin' faggy lacrosse." This catches the captain's ear and he saunters over to me. This guy looks like he could be a line backer for the Green Bay Packers. (That's the only team that I know of.) The guy towers over me. "What the fuck did you just say?" I run before he has the chance to hit me.

I was wrong about him not hitting me. I'm walking back to the house when Tom's face appears in the bushes. He notices me walking funny. "What happened, Dougie?" I sigh. He's gonna find out sooner or later, so I might as well tell him. "The lacrosse team got together and stuck on of their sticks up my ass. They tried a parking cone at first, but they thought the stick would be funnier." Tom's eyes sparkle with excitement. "Sounds like you had a fun time with the team." I head to my room where I can have some peace. What else is going to be shoved up my ass? I don't want to end up like Harry.

While I am massaging my ass I hear a snicker in the doorway. I turn to see Harry there wearing a big fuckin' greasy Jew grin. "What the fuck are you doing?" How does he have the fuckin' balls to ask me this? "What? I can't massage my ass in the privacy of my own bedroom?" He just shakes his head at me, apparently too ill now to say anything. Like he's one to look down on the things that I do. He tried fucking that big oak tree out in the back yard. He got his dick caught in one of the tree holes and we had to wait for some guy from the forestry department to come over and cut him out. The fuckin' bullshit that I have to deal with.

....

I was walkin' down the street when some fan girl spots me; She runs up to me all excited. "Oh, my God! You're Dougie Poynter!" "Yeah." I think that I am gonna hit it with her. "You know Danny Jones!!" I'm gonna get in good with her now because I know Danny. I've gotta compose a smooth answer if I want to get into her pants. "Yeah, I do. We're as tight as a virgin." The girl doesn't look too happy with my answer; in fact she looks disgusted. Now I know that I won't be hittin' it with her. "I don't know what kind of pervert you are, but I'm getting the hell away from you." She walks off leaving me standing in the street looking like a dumb-fuck. Why does Danny always get all the hot-ass fan girls? From now on Danny Jones is my sexual rival. Forget Harry on this one, Danny's my new rival.

I see Danny walking down Main Street. He sees me and he waves to me. I stick up the finger at him. He looks as clueless on Hillary Duff on a trivia show. I give him a really shitty look and huff off. What a fuck hole! He gets all the babes and then he expects me to be friendly with him? Fuck that; he's lucky that he doesn't get popped in the balls. Fuckin' piece of shit! Now I'm gonna go vent before I go across the street and rip his intestines out. I wanna pick a fight with someone; I just have to get all this anger out. I glance over to the field and I see the lacrosse team out playing. I'm gonna steer clear of that place. My asshole hurts just thinking about it. I go a little farther into London. I don't think that I will be picking a fight down here; I might get AIDS if I spilled some blood down here. Seein' the quality of these fuckin' people around here, I'd say that it quite possible.

.....

I went downstairs to get some popcorn and I nearly went blind. I saw Harry standing at the stove frying bacon, in the nude. THE NUDE! I wanted to gouge my eyes out with one of the magnets that we have on the fridge, but that would mean that I would have to move closer to Harry. "Harry?" I say weakly, I feel my knees buckling. "Oh, hey Dougie." He doesn't look up at me. "What in the name of Queen Victoria are you doing?" "Who the fuck is that? Is she hot?" Harry cane be such a stupid asshole at times. "Uh, she's dead." "Yeah, so? Is she still hot?" OH MY GOD! Harry has finally snapped. "DANNY! TOM!" I peel off yelling for the other two. Danny's in the bathtub when I slam open the door. "What the fuck?!" "Danny, Harry has gone insane! He's going to kill us all tonight when we are asleep!" Danny's out of the tub and rapped in a towel faster than Tom could eat a candy bar. He follows behind me as I look for Tom. I am tempted to yell out, 'fat ass where art thou?' But I don't think that will impress him at all. I know that Danny would find it a laugh riot, but now is not the times for funnies.

"Tom!" We fly into his room to see that he is caught under his bed. "Guys? Help!" Danny looks at the scene. "Uh, what the fuck are we looking at here, exactly?" Tom mumbles something and then coughs. "I'm stuck under the bed, you bloody wank! Now hurry up and pull me out!" "We're gonna need a fork lift to do that." Tom grunts and tries to break free, so he can hurt us, but he's stuck. "You know what this looks like Danny?" He shakes his head, trying not to laugh. "No, what does it look like, Dougie?" "To be frank, it looks like Pooh Bear when he gets his ass stuck in Rabbit's front door. You remember that story?" Danny falls over he's laughing so hard. "Fuck me! It does! Hey, Pooh how did you get stuck under there?" "Let me guess. You were eating hard candies and one bounced under the bed. Then you thought that you could get it out without getting stuck, but you thought wrong. Now your ass if caught under the bed." "That's not funny, Dougie! My bum is going numb." "Yeah? Well, you should have thought about that before you thought you could fit under the bed." Tom is crying now. This is the first time that I have ever heard Tom cry. This is an epic moment in my life! I'd better go and get my camera!

I dash down to my room and dig my camera out of a pile of shit that is on the floor. Danny hasn't pulled Tom out and Tom is still crying. "Danny? Dougie? Did you guys leave me?!" I can hear the panic in his voice. I stick my head under Tom's bed and smile at him. I set my camera so I can get a good shot of this. His eyes are all red and puffy and he's got snot all over his face. It's so gross to look at, but I can't pass up a photo like this. I snap a shot of him. "Dougie is that you? You came back to save me!" I'm no fuckin' hero, but I guess I can help him out. "Why don't we leave him here until he is thin enough to just slid out?" Danny suggests. I like his suggestion, but I don't think that we can really do that. "Danny, Tom will probably die if we do that." Danny isn't phased by that at all. "So? He wanted to die before. Might as well go through with it." "I don't want to die! I've never done it missionary position!" Danny thinks over what Tom said. "Hmm. That sounds like a good reason not to die. Okay, we'll pull you out." We? I'll throw my fuckin' back out! "Grab an ankle and pull." "But Danny-" He cuts me off. "But my asshole! Just pretend Tom's ankle is your penis and give it a few good yanks." My dick does not look like Tom's kankles! I grab a hold of his ankle anyway. Danny pulls really hard and his towel falls off. Jesus! He;s got razor burn on his ball sac. No wonder he's been walking funny; everybody knows that you wax that shit.

We manage to get Tom free on the third attempt. He scrambles up off the floor and pulls Danny and me into a bear hug. "I love you guys! Now what the fuck were you in my room for?" Then I remember Harry. "Harry's lost his mind! You've gotta come see this!" They follow me to the kitchen. Harry is now pulling waffles out of the waffle iron. "Oh, my God!" "Yeah, I know! Waffles at this hour?! It's almost 10 at night!" I roll my eyes. Apparently, those two don't see a basket case when they see one. "Hello, you assholes! He's nude!" "Point? He always cooks nude. Where do you think I got that idea for a song?" My head is spinning. I feel like I am going to pass out; those assholes better catch me. "Waffles, anyone? Hey, Dougie, are you bringing that Queen Victoria over?" Tom looks at Danny; both of them wearing looks of confusion. "Harry. She's dead!" "Dougie told me earlier. He never told me if she was still hot or not." "Bloody hell!" Tom dives for the phone and punches in a number. I dunno who he's talking to, but it better be someone who can handle this shit. He hangs up and returns to the kitchen. "The white lads are on their way." He says. What the fuck is that supposed to mean? Danny apparently knows what it means because he nods. It's either that, or he doesn't want to look dumb in front of us. Nothing we wouldn't have seen before. He's not that bright. A lemon has more common sense then Danny.

I just found out what the white lads are. They are the blokes that work in the mental ward at the hospital. Of, course, Tom would have them on speed dial. They carry Harry out in a straightjacket, but not before they shoot him in the ass with a stun dart. Too bad my camera battery died, or that would be another photo for the album. Danny goes back to his bath and Tom goes to do a work out video. I am going to go and spy on the neighbours; it's my favourite thing to do in the evening.

-The doctor on call, Dougie Poynter


	16. Chapter 16

INSIDE THE PERVERTED MIND OF DOUGIE POYNTER CHAPTER 16

TUESDAY

Nothing much going on at the moment; Tom is out somewhere, Danny is passed out under the dining room table and Harry is locked in the rubber room at the mental ward. I guess I could wake Danny up to see if he wants to play a game with me. Fuck that. He's a bloody cheater. Last time I played a game with him, we played Monopoly. When I got up to answer the phone that greasy-fingered fuck stole money out of the bank. Then when I called him out he denied it! He fuckin' denied it, even though he saw me watch him do it. That is what I call being stunningly full of shit. Tom's a fuckin' cheater too, now that I think of it. We played Scrabble once and he kept making up words. He claimed that they were French words and kept on adding points to his score. He didn't get very far, as I lost my temper and punched him in the nose. After that he didn't fuck with the score cards, and magically, he didn't know anymore French words. That taught him to cheat me.

Fuck Danny and board games. I'll just go and practice on my bass. I hook the bad boy up to my amp and hit a cord. The amp explodes and blows me across the room. Danny runs into the room when he hears the explosion. Half of his hair is sticking up, but his hair can't hold a candle to mine at the moment; the ends of my bangs are singed and sticking up. "What the fuck happened?" Danny wants to know. I cough a few smoke rings. "I don't know! I just plugged it in!" Danny narrows his eyes at me, then turns to my amp. "I'm gonna have a look." He bends down and starts poking around. That's probably the reason that it exploded in the first place. Ever since Danny saw an episode of that show, "Tool Time", he's convinced that he is Bob Vila or whatever the fuck that bearded asshole's name is. He's been tinkering with everything; from the kitchen sink to Harry's Ipod. It's a shame he hasn't been electrocuted yet. I think that him having the shit shocked out of him would end this Mr. Handy shit.

"Found it!" He calls to me. I'm glad that he asked if I was okay. I could have had my balls shocked off, but he's too involved in playing Mr. Fix-it to give a shit. "What did you find?" I'm hoping that he says he found his manhood. "The wires were crossed and you blew it out." I don't care about that, what I want to know is, who was screwing with my shit. "Who did this?" He looks at me. "Who do you think I am? Fuckin' Sherlock Holmes?" I'm sorry that I forgot that he isn't a private eye; That's Tom's latest gig. Him and that fuckin' pipe that blows bubbles. I swear that the next time that he blows bubbles in my face, he'll be blowing bubbles out of somewhere you don't want to be blowin' bubbles out of. And I don't mean his ass. "I can fix this!" Danny exclaims. That was what I was waiting for. "Are you?" He nods and wheels the amp into his room. That was fast. He doesn't give me anymore details and I lose interest in the whole thing. Maybe next time my amp explodes it will kill me; I can only hope.

....

Well, Mr. Fix it has came through. As much as I hate to admit it, he fixed my amp and in record time too. Tom nearly shit himself when he heard about it. Now he has Danny fixing all sorts of things around the house. That cheap bastard! He's having Danny do all that work for free? If I was Danny I wouldn't put up with that bullshit. I would tell Tom to go take a flying fuck, but not before I rape his wallet dry. I decide to bring this up to Danny's attention. He's in the kitchen, under the kitchen sink fixing one of the pipes. "Danny what are you doing?" He grunts and sits up. "Fixing shit. What does it look like I am doing?" "Being a sucker." Danny narrows his eyes and scratches his head. He's lost in the conversation already; what the fuck? Why do I do this to myself? I should have just gone and talked to the sofa. "I mean, why are you letting Tom boss you around? You are doing all of this work, and he ain't giving you shit in return. What the fuck is going on with that?" Danny looks pissed off, as if he only figured it out because I told him about it. "Wait a minute! He isn't paying me anything! That pretentious cocksucker! How dare he try to fuck me!" Danny slams his little tool box shut. "Fuck Tom. He can get his ass under the sink to fix the pipe. I hope that he gets stuck under there, and this time I'm not gonna pull him out." Danny storms off and slams a bunch of shit around on his way to his room. I look down at the sink. The pipes are still leaking; oh, well. I guess Tom will have to call a repair man when he gets home from his dance class.

I don't know if I mentioned this before, but Tom has decided that he wants to take dance class. He must look like Rosie O'Donell thundering around in the dance studio. I think that I will have to go and watch this sometimes. I wonder where he is right now, I think I'll call him on his cell. Before I can pull my cell out to call him, it rings. "It's Dougie. Who the fuck is this?" "It's Tom." Is he taking mind reading classes too? I would love to take those, then I will be able to fuck with people on a level that they won't be able to comprehend! "What's hanging Tom?" I hope he doesn't say his balls. "Not much. I was just wondering if you guys needed anything at home while I'm out." I think for a moment. "Yeah, come to think of it, we do. I need a gallon of gin and a pack of condoms." There is silence at the other end of the phone. "Dick-weed are you still there?" "Yeah. I was just in shock. What do you need that stuff for?" Nosey ballbag! "I've got a date coming over tonight and I want to be prepared." More silence. Has he been snorting dandruff again? "Okay. I'll be sure to pick that stuff up for you." He hangs up, rather quickly in my opinion. I wonder what his problem is today. If I was a mind reader I wouldn't have to wonder, I'd just peer into his overly large melon and see what's going on.

.....

The hospital called us with an update on Harry; after deep psychological testing, they have decided that he needs to stay for another day or so. Just another day or so? What is this world coming to? If it were left up to me, I would put him in the electric chair and shock the fuck out of him, until he regained his mental status. Then again, I am not a doctor, so I will leave the well being of one of my best mates in their hands. I just hope they washed those hands. Harry won't like it, if they didn't. He's a total neat freak, for the sake of the Lord, he irons his socks.

I hear the door slam and I know that Tom is home. He hands me the bag. "Did you get extra large condoms?" Tom raises an eyebrow. "No, I thought the condoms were for you." "What the fuck is that supposed to mean?" He hangs up his coat. "Your penis is not that big. It looks like a peanut." Oh hell to the no! He did not just call my dick a peanut! "Oh, yeah? Well, at least I can see my junk." Tom smacks me. "I can too see my shit! Fuck off!" "Piss up a flag pole Tom. You know what? Better yet, smoke my pole!" Tom rips my bag out of my hands. What did I say? He usually likes to smoke on things; every night he lights up a cigar and blows the smoke into the vent in my bedroom. Danny comes in and breaks up the argument before it can turn into a fist fight. I steal my bag back from Tom. "He fuckin' started it!" "You started it!" Tom shouts at me, but alas, I am ignoring him. I think it will do us all some good to ignore Tom.

....

Harry is home and he's decided that Tom is an asshole. Great news, huh?! I'm sitting in my club house, which is behind the sofa, when Harry knocks on the door. (yeah, it's a little play house on wheels) "What?" "Dougie, it's me. Can I come in?" If I say no, I'll never hear the end of it, so I call him in. "What?" I ask again. I don't have time for stupid shit, I am busy drawing a picture of Tom with an arrow through his head. "Tom is such a piece of shit." I can't believe my ears. "Did you just say that Tom is a piece of shit?" He nods and I hug him. "Really! That's brilliant! I just started a 'I hate Tom Fletcher club' and the t-shirts will be coming in next week." "Can I get one of them? I'd like one in every colour if that is possible." I am so delighted over this I could do a back flip. "I think that I can arrange that." I mark it down in my notebook, even though I know that I won't forget this.

Harry and I are sitting basking in the atmosphere of hating Tom when he comes and raps on the door. "Let me in!" "Uh, no." "It's an emergency! Danny's vomiting again!" I stick my head out through the little window next to the door. "So? He always does that. If he vomits up a kidney or the lining of his oesophagus, then give me a fuckin' ring." Tom pulls on the door handle. "It's not that bad yet! He won't stop it!" Goddamn Danny. Every time that I am trying to do something productive with my time he has to pull some shit in order to keep the attention on him. Harry gets all worried like a nervous mother hen. "Oh, Dougie! We can stop hating Tom for five minutes so we can check on Danny." I think about it. "All right. five minutes, but no more than five." "Goodie!" Harry pulls me out of the club house and up to the second floor bathroom where Bulimia King is puking his guts out. "Fuck! What did you eat?!" Harry gives me a look, as to tell me that it is not the time to be an asshole. Danny looks up from the loo. "I have the stomach flu, you guys can leave me alone." Tom doesn't buy it. Once again, he will put on a suit and tie and play Dr. Phil. "You're sick are you? Then let me take your rectal temperature." Danny shoots up from the bowel. "I'm feeling much better, now! You guys must have cheered me up and made me feel better, so see ya!" He dashes for the door, but Tom grabs hold of him. Tom just doesn't have hold of Danny, he's got a death grip on him. Tom did that to me once, and let me tell you, it's like having your pants hooked up to the back of a car; you can't break free. Ya know, if Tom wasn't in McFly he would probably be a security guard somewhere. I watch a film in my head of Tom throwing Harry and Danny out of one of the upscale bars. I laugh at it. Am I going crazy? This is like the second time that I have watched a film in my head. Oh, shit! I don't want to end up like Harry or worse, Danny!

Tom and Danny knock me back into reality when Danny bites Tom. Harry is standing in the shower watching the fight with excitement. I catch sight of the blood that is on the floor and feel like I am going to be sick. I don't like the sight of other people's blood; for some reason I just can't handle it. I begin to sway back and forth. Danny and Tom stop arguing with each other when they notice me. "Dougie!" I hit the floor like a bag of rocks.

Harry slaps me in the face to wake me up. "What happened?" I ask groggily. "You passed out. It's all okay though. Danny and Tom have reached an agreement, as well. Danny will go and get help with his issues and Tom will stop being such a pain in the ass." I don't see Danny or Tom anywhere, and I really don't care where they are either. "Take me to my room!" Harry lifts me up and brings me to my bedroom. He flops me down on the bed like I was a pile of clothes. "It's too bad my plan didn't work." He sighs. Plan? Since when the fuck does Harry have enough brain power to think of anything? "What are you talking about?" "I pretended to be mentally insane the other night so I could get out of this fuckin' house. There is way too much drama in here." That was fuckin' clever! My hat is off to Harry for this one. "I'm sorry, man. Maybe next time it will work. Maybe you should try some self multination. That shit really works! I tried it once when I wanted to get out of an exam that I hadn't studied for. I carved up my arm when the teacher was getting the tests ready and when she got to my desk she nearly had a stroke! She sent me to the dean's office and from there I was sent to the Psychiatric Ward. It was the best week of my life. People did all this shit for me." "Kinda like what goes on now." "Yeah, kinda like what- hey! What the fuck do you mean by that?" I have to argue with him even though I know that Harry is right.

"You just act very young for your age, That's all that I'm saying." "It's better than being old." "Yeah it is." Harry's cell goes off, informing him that he's got a message. "Oh, I'm meeting Gina at the mall it 20 minutes." I stick my mouth in my shirt to keep myself from laughing. "Are you gonna be okay, there ,junior?" Harry asks me. I nod and spit out my shirt. "Yeah. I'll be just fine." Harry gives me a slightly worried look before he leaves the room. I haven never felt better in my life. I think that I am going to go run a marathon now! See you all in the flip side!

The Ruler of Never Land Dougie Poynter


	17. Chapter 17

INSIDE THE PERVERTED MIND OF DOUIGE POYNTER CHAPTER 17

WEDNESDAY

I'm sitting around with my thumb in my ass, as there is nothing else to do around here. Last night Harry had a shit-attack when Gina (pause for laughter) broke up with him. That was a good show, I must admit. He came home drunk and threw up in Tom's new piano. Danny and I enjoyed watching Tom clean barf off of the piano strings. Harry is sitting in his room writing hate mail to his ex-beloved. Sometimes I think that I am on a soap opera and that there are cameras hidden all over the house. There is no way that this shit actually happens in real life. I mean come on, there is so much drama in here that you could cut it with a hunting knife. Fuck, not even that! A butter knife would do just fine.

Even more brilliant news on the home front. Tom is going on vacation! Apparently he needs to 'get away from all the stress of this house'. What the fuck! Fuckin' a! He's the cause of most of the stress and the drama because he can't keep his ass out of anything. It's quite the blessing that he will be leaving, after all I don't know how much more of this shit I can take. The holidays are coming up soon and I know that I am going to need a break from that kind of torture. Christmas, Jesus! Why can't we celebrate something else this time of year? Preferably something that Tom doesn't like. Lets see, we can do Thanksgiving, no wait that's American and I have nothing to be thankful for. I've already said my prayers of thanks. I don't need to dedicate a day and make a big deal out of it. Well, let's pretend that we are American and while we are at it, we can pretend that we are thankful that we get to live with one another. No, actually, I like living with the guys. Hmmm. I know what I can pretend to be thankful for! I can pretend that I am thankful for Tom! That way his ego is fed and I get to waste a day.

....

Danny thought that my suggestion was brilliant! He also suggested that we throw in the 4th of July while we're at it. He thought that it would be a good excuse to have a BBQ on the roof and light shit on fire. I couldn't have proposed that idea better than he had. So to celebrate our genius, we are going to go out shopping! Danny will be driving us, that being the only downfall. I got a new crash helmet for my birthday, so I guess I can try it out now. I'll dig my neck brace out of the closet, just for good measure; especially because the roads are icy now.

Danny is in the car honking the horn impatiently. "Let's fuckin' go!" He sticks his head out of the car window and shouts at me. Since when is he ever in a hurry to get to the mall? He's like a Jew, he's that fuckin' cheap. I have nothing personal against the Jews, they are just the cheapest people that I can think of-besides my mum. Goddamn! She is so cheap that she has a coupon for everything. And I mean EVERYTHING! One time I needed to get an athletic cup because I was entering this skateboarding thing and it was a part of the rules. Well, when we were at the sporting equipment store she had to pull out her book of coupons and shout, : "IVE GOT A COUPON ON THE EXTRA SMALL CUP! DON'T WORRY, HONEY, MUMMY CAN GET YOU THE RED ONE THAT YOU WANTED REAL CHEAP!" Let's just say that I never went back to that establishment.

I get into the car and Danny eyes my gear. "What the fuck is that for? We are only going shopping. We are not going to re-enact that battle with the French." "What battle would that be?" Danny pulls out of the driveway. "I dunno the name of it. All I remember is that we kicked their asses." It is amazing that he ever made it out of school. I had to work my ass off and my marks still sucked. "Danny, do you even know that the French ruled England for a while?" He nearly goes off the road. "What the fuck?! When did this happen?!" "William the something or other conquered England in the 10 something. I'm not exactly sure, but I am sure that they ruled our country." "Is that why we have bloody French bread?" I'm confused. We were talking about politics and all of a sudden we are on the topic of breads. Jesus. "Ah, I dunno. Maybe. I thought that you liked French bread." "You thought wrong." He snorts at me. I decide to not say another word on the French; we don't need him to get pissed off and have another traffic accident. This is his new car and it already has several dents in the side. I still am in the dark as to who gave this asshole a license to drive a motor vehicle. Maybe this is some type of sick joke! "Where are the cameras?!" I shout out, forgetting that I am in the car with Danny. "Huh? What are you on about? There are no cameras. We are going to the mall, and yeah, there are plenty of cameras in that place." Danny would know, even better than him would be Harry.

Harry got caught shoplifting once. That was a really good evening. We got a call at about 10:30 p.m. telling us that Harry was in jail. Tom's nighty caught fire, he was so angry. After all, he told Harry to behave himself and not cause any trouble. Tom still needed to recover from the shenanigans that I pulled. Tom was so angry that he forgot to change out of his nighty and he went down to the police station with it. He didn't even put his sneakers on! He headed down there in full nighty attire; complete with slippers and a facial. I don't know how the people down there didn't laugh, but more power to them, I think.

Danny pulls into the mall parking lot, and smacks a lamppost on one side. "Nothing a hammer and a coat of paint can't fix." He says as he puts his keys in his pocket. I take my riding with Danny attire off and stick it in the back seat. I hope that I don't need that on the way home. I see Danny fiddling with something on his belt as we go through the mall doors. "What are you doing?" He looks over at me. "I've got to adjust this." Adjust what? I look over to see what he is talking about. JESUS CHRIST! Danny has a fanny pack. Who the fuck wears a fanny pack to a mall besides his gran? I don't even want to know why he's wearing one. And most of all, I don't want to know what kind of shit that he has stashed away in there. "Ready? Let's go." I follow him into the nearest store, which is. of course, is x rated. I look around at the shelves and see the oddest things that I have ever had the displeasure to lay eyes on. I saw a vibrator that whistles a tune while you get yourself off. How sick is that? I should do my Christmas shopping for the guys in this store. It's their kind of high end merchandise. I look at the women on the telly that are being interviewed for a new video that they worked on. I don't give a shit what they are saying; They are naked! That's all I really care about at this moment. I move closer to the screen when some big beefy bloke holds me back. "Don't touch the glass." "Come on move! I need this like the Jews need a Messiah! " He laughs at me. "If you need it that bad, then I guess that you can move a little closer." I stay there with my eyes glued to the screen until Danny pokes me in the back of the head and tells me that he is ready to go. Goddamn it. I get a copy of that interview; I know what I am going to be doing tonight.

I don't ask Danny what's in his bag, because I don't want to ruin the mood. I feel like I could run a marathon, I am so pumped over that DVD. And if it wasn't good enough that I got it, I got it in high def. and I just moved the wide screen TV into my bedroom. 64 inches of Hillary's tits. Could life get any better than this? I think not. Danny takes off his jacket and hangs it over his arm. He's wearing a tank top and it is about 8 fuckin' degrees out. I catch a glimpse of his armpits and the boner that I am thinking about popping over Hillary wilts. His pits are fucking disgusting; they should send photos of his armpits over to the Middle East; they would be so terrified by those images that they would stop fighting and duck for cover. "Danny, is that carpet under your arms?" I ask. He smiles proudly at me. "Nope. I heard that if you shaved then your hair will grow back thicker. Since I had like no pit hair, I shaved it a few times and BAM-O! Now I look like a real man." He looks like a fuckin' chimp, but I don't want to tell him that. I lie to him instead, so he might let me borrow his credit card. "It looks good. You look like a real man, Kinda like that guy who used to eat the spinach and save the girl." "Thanks." He goes to hug me, but I don't want to get close to his pit hair. "How about a high five instead?" Thankfully he goes for the high five. I just hope that he doesn't ask me to braid his pit hair later.

....

We are back from the mall and Danny is in the bathroom admiring his pit hair. Seriously, who the fuck can stare at their sweaty, hairy, gross pits for 2 hours? Danny must be the only person in the world. If he keeps this up, I am gonna have to call the Guinness Book of World Records.

Holy shit! Tom just stumbled into the house, drunk and wearing no pants. I don't even want to know where he was. His boxers are falling off and I can see that he has went and got a new tattoo. I squint so I can make out what his new ink says. "Fuck this shit because life is a bitch." I nearly pass out and hit my head on the coffee table. I never expected this kind of shit from him, maybe Danny, but not Tom. "What is that on your ass?" He tries to look at his ass to see what I'm talking about. "Huh? What's what? I've got something on my ass?" He falls over. "Yeah you do. You've got a tattoo on your ass that says, 'fuck this shit because life is a bitch.' " Tom looks confused. "When did you get that?" "Not me you loon! You got it on your ass!" "Oh. I bet it looks bitching." Did he just say bitchin'? Wow. I should get him drunk move often, then I could really have a good time. I will make note to do that before he leaves in a few days.

I do a thing that is so unlike me; I help Tom to his bedroom. He's better remember this the next time that he is chewing on my ass over stupid bullshit. I tuck him into bed and read him his favourite bedtimes story. He gives me a sloppy kiss and drifts off to sleep. I hope that I don't act like that when I come home drunk, or more often than not, the guys drag me home after I have consumed almost the whole bar. Danny is hanging in the door like a bat when I turn to exit. "Do I act like that when I get drunk." Danny shakes his head and I sigh with relief. "Thank God!" "What are you thanking God for? You act a hell of a lot worse than Tom does." Huh? I stop patting myself on the back, mentally, to look over at Danny. "Then what do I act like,huh?" "I don't think that you want to know." "Yeah, I do. If I didn't want the heat, I wouldn't have asked for it." Danny looks at me with hesitation. "You don't want this much heat." I brace myself. "I'm good for it. Just tell me what you've gotta say and don't you fuckin' sugar coat it." He bows his head for a moment and then looks up at me. "You usually slobber all over me and want me to play doctor with you. Then when you get bored with that, you want me to bring you to your castle and tuck you into your little prince's throne." My eyes nearly fall out of my head. My mind can't cope with what the fuck he has just said to me. "I act like what?" "Well in layman's terms, you act like a giant fucking baby. I don't mind it thought. I like to talk to you when you are like that; that way I can get a word in without a stupid ass remark thrown in every few minutes. It's actually quite the breath of fresh air." For some reason I start to cry. Danny walks over me and gives me a hug. "It's nothing to be ashamed of. Harry tells me that I am an unbearable asswipe at least 3 times an hour. It doesn't matter to me what you are, or if you act like a baby. You're still my best mate and you always will be." I fall into Danny and sob. I don't care what anyone has to say at the moment. He takes me to my room. He sets me down on my bed and wipes my eyes. "Feel better?" I nod. It did feel good to sob like that, I guess that being a sarcastic asshole all the time isn't as uplifting as I thought it was.

Harry knocks at the door. "Am I interrupting your fuckin' sleep over, gals?" I throw a pillow at him. "Go suck a dick, Harry!" He looks at me with shock, as if he can't believe that I said that to him. "Fine. I just wanted to know what was going on, is all." "If you need to know, then I will personally give you a fuckin' jingle. Until then, just got and do something with your time." Harry gives Danny and me the finger and stalks off. It is hard living with a teenage prom queen.

....

Tom has gone on a hunger strike against abortion or something like that. I bet that he lasts 2 days max. Danny, Harry and I all bet against him accomplishing his goal of 2 weeks. Danny has his money on 3 days and Harry has his on 3 hours. I don't know which of us is going to win, but I do know that this shit is exciting as hell. I wish that Tom would have thought of this earlier. I don't know what he is doing it for. Why should he give two fucks about abortion? Doesn't plan on getting pregnant, then I guess. Harry beats me to asking Tom why he is really doing it. :What pleasure are you getting out of this hunger strike?" Tom looks at Harry. "It is the right thing to do. It is for a good cause." I want in on the action, so I cut Harry off. "What is this cause you speak of?" Tom looks miffed that I've asked him. "It's to end word hunger." Isn't that fuckin' enlightening! He is trying to fight world hunger by starving himself! Doesn't he know how to fuckin' thing? Does he even have a fuckin' thought process? "What?" "I told you, I am on a hunger strike to end world hunger." That is just fuckin' stupid. I would have preferred him poking around in some woman's uterus, then him playing Ghandi. Doesn't he ever get sick of this role playing shit that he does? "I think this is the stupidest shit that I have ever heard." Harry finally says. Tom gives us both a look that could wipe the paint off the side of a barn. "I don't see you guys doing anything to help improve the planet." "Yeah, we do Tom. You don't see us sticking our dicks in where they don't belong. You are the one that is causing all the trouble by getting involved." Tom packs up his little incense kit and slams away. "What the fuck did I say?" I shrug. I don't see anything wrong with what Harry just said; in fact I think that he makes a really good point.

Harry and I go out for beers and tacos. We come home to find Tom in the kitchen stuffing his face. Well, that lasted a lot fuckin' time. "I guess I win the bet." Danny and I pull out our wallets and pay Harry his money. This is the second time that douche bag has cost me money. I mean Tom, not Harry. I should have been more specific with that one. I promise that I will remember it for next time. "Hey, Tom. Next time why don't you try to make a stand for something by staying the fuck out of the way?" Tom nods as he stuffs a handful of something into his pie-hole. It is horrifying to watch. It's like a Steven King movie. I think that is the last time that he ever tries do something helpful for the community. I am a good member of my community; I don't get involved in anything and I never waste anyone's time with stupid shit.

-The only activist that you know with a leopard skin thong, Dougie Poynter


	18. Chapter 18

INSIDE THE PERVERTED MIND OF DOUGIE POYNTER CHAPTER 18

THURSDAY

Fuck me to tears; my mum is coming over for a visit today and the house looks like Hiroshima after that huge-ass bomb exploded. What the fuck am I gonna do? I could ask the other three for help, but as soon as I do that they are all gonna want a favour in return. I guess that doing their laundry is a lot better than having your pecker ripped off by your mum over a dirty house."Hey guys, guess what?" "You got laid?" Harry asks from the sofa. "He doesn't have that kind of luck with the ladies." Danny puts in. I turn, cannons ready and aimed at Danny. "Oh yeah? Well I won't get the clap and watch my dick shrivel up and fall off." Even Tom laughed at that one; he is a tough nut to crack, but by God I did it. I should be given a medal for this achievement. Danny is in a bad mood now. "What the fuck did you want to tell us?" "I wanted to ask if you would help me tidy up the place. My mum is coming for tea today." Danny nearly shits himself. "Your mum is coming? Why did you say that earlier!" "Don't you even think about having a go with my mum! Leave her alone!" Danny rolls his eyes. "Fine. Fine, have it your way. I was just going to give her a nice massage and then we would-" Tom cuts him off. "Keep your bloody hole closed. No one wants to hear about your seduction methods." I look over at Harry who is closing his notebook and looks disappointed. Poor Harry. I know how he feels; I was taking mental notes as Danny was talking.

Harry gets off the sofa. "We can help you out, little buddy. I will do the dusting and the sweeping. Tom, you can pick up all the garbage and put that out. Danny, you can make sure that everything is in order in the living room. Dougie you can do the dishes." Oh, shit. I've never done dishes before. Danny sees the look of panic on my face. "I'll show you how to get started." He guides me to the kitchen where he rolls up his sleeves and faces the sink. The stacks of dishes in the sink are nearly taller than he is. "We have to do them all by hand?" He nods. "Yep. Harry broke the dishwasher. Apparently, he thought that you could put clothes in there too, ya know the dish rags?" I feel my face melt off. Why do I live here? "Now you move the dishes out of one sink so you have room to put the water in and add the soap." He moves one of the enormous stacks out of the way so he can fill the sink with hot soapy water. He puts a bunch of plates into the water and takes out a sponge. "Watch the master of the craft." He dips the sponge in water and starts scrubbing at the plate. It doesn't look that fuckin' hard. "Move over. I can take it from here, Danny. Thanks for showing me the ropes." He hands me the plate and the sponge. "Remember, have fun." He winks at me and walks off. It must be nice to act so care-free. I'm on high blood pressure medication and I'm only 21 years old! It's because of all the bullshit that I am forced to endure with these assholes. Don't get me wrong, there are a lot of good times too, but most of the time it is high pressure bullshit. Don't need to wonder why I go to therapy three times a week.

I start scrubbing the plates that Danny stacked up for me. Fuckin' a! This is a lot of fun! Maybe I should start to do the dishes in the evening. No, I'd better only do it on a rare occasion because then the other guys would think that something is up. They would probably wonder what I wanted from them. Isn't that nice? I can't do anything nice for the people in my own house without it raising a cause for concern. I start to rinse the soap off the dishes. The water level rises and so does the level of bubbles. The bubbles don't stop multiplying even though I've turned off the water. I can't stop them from growing! I'm going to die by being suffocated by bubbles. I start to say quick prayers in my head to God, that way when I get to the pearly gates there is less to chat about. Tom comes into the kitchen to get the garbage and nearly has a heart attack. I'm up to my eyebrows in bubbles and I'm still trying to fight them off. "What the hell are you doing in here?" "Trying to do dishes!" I shout, trying to keep the bubbles out of my yap, which is very difficult. "Hold on! I'll get you out!." Tom reaches through the mountain of suds and pulls me out. I fall against the cold tile floor and look up at him.

"You saved my life! I love you, Tom!" I give him a giant hug of thanks. "You love him?" says an oddly familiar voice in the doorway. I look to my right to see my mum standing in the doorway. "She got here a little early. I was going to come tell you." Harry says. He turns and hides behind the sofa. Danny dives behind it too, and all I can see of them is two pairs of eyes watching excitedly. "You've got some explaining to do young man." She pulls me away from Tom and drags me into the living room. The two pairs of eyes have vanished, probably because they did not want to be in the line of fire.

......

After that ass grilling from my mum, I dashed to my room. She questioned Tom as well. I don't know what she asked him about, as I was out of the room. I can only pray to God that Tom had the common sense to lie; then again he is a real shitty liar, so my mum probably picked up on that. Harry comes by my room and he's as white as a ghost. He notices that I am in, so he takes a step back and comes into my room. "So many personal questions." He sits down on the end of the bed. "What? Who asked you personal questions?" Did my mum grill him for answers too? "No one asked me questions. She asked him so many personal questions....the answers were too much for me to handle. When he said that he once tried to make love to a piece of fruit, I got out of the room as quick as possible without being noticed." "Where is Tom now?" I manage to ask weakly. "He's crying in his room. I never have seen such a form of torture in my life. Does your mum work for the government?" I shake my head no. If she made Tom cry then it had to be really bad; for the first time ever, I actually feel sorry for Tom. Not like I'd ever tell anyone this; I don't need people to think that I've gone soft.I am going to go and apologise to Tom; but not put a lot of feeling into it.

Back from apologising to Tom. I couldn't do it; I broke down and cried with him. Thank God no one was there to see that. He and I really had a heart to heart. Oh God! I'm turning into Brittany Spears! I've gotta stop bleaching my hair. Anyhow, Tom said that he wasn't mad at me and that he just wasn't ready for my mum's questions. "What did she ask you Tom?" "She asked me if I had feelings for you." I feel the colour leak out of me. "And what did you say?" "I said that it didn't matter, because you only had eyes for Danny." I smack him with a pillow. "What the fuck did you do that for?!" Great. Now my mum thinks that I'm gay. She probably will try and set the house on fire later if I don't get to her and explain things. I'm gonna need a girl that can play ball too. I know just the girl! Tawny! Even though she's a lesbian, she will do just fine. After all, she is the only girl that I can talk to without getting tongue tied. Plus, she is the only girl who would not be afraid to deck my mum if she had it coming. "I've gotta go make a call, Tom. I've gotta fix your fuck up." He looks at me with curious eyes. "So, does this mean that you are not in love with, Danny?" I can't believe my fuckin' ears. "No! I am not in love with Danny!" Anger shoots out of me like missiles. How could Tom make a fuckin' assumption like that?! "So, uh, since you are not with Danny-" I cut him off. "Fuck off Tom. I've got more important things to worry about now, besides your boner. I think that you are a sex-aholic." Tom looks like he is going to cry again. "I am! I don't like guys at all either! I just want someone to have sex with! I don't care as long as I get my boner taken care of." I nearly fall over. "Haven't you heard of masturbation? I have some great videos that I could lend you." Tom looks thankful. "Thanks a bunch! I'll catch you later."

I run out of Tom's room before we end up in one of his Dr. Phil sessions. I get to the phone and ring Tawny. Thankfully she is free and she would be delighted to come over and help me out with my dilemma. She will be picking me up in a few moments to bring us over to the arena to do battle, aka my mum's house to talk.

I run and get into her car before any of the other guys can ask me questions. "So, this bitch, what did she do to ya?" "Bitch? It's my mum. We have to go and talk to her." Doesn't anyone listen to what I have to fuckin' say? She nods. "Mums, I can deal with them. So, what am I supposed to be doing?" "You are pretending to be my girlfriend so my mum doesn't think that I'm gay." "So, you're gay then?" Why does everyone thing that I'm gay?! What the fuck is this? "No, I just don't have a girl at the moment. I don't know why...maybe because every girl that I talk to tells me to piss up a flag pole." Tawny laughs. "They say it like that, huh?" I blush. "Not exactly like that, but you get the jist of what I'm saying."

We pull up at my mum's house and I feel like I am being brought to death row. We walk to the front door and knock. She answers on the fourth knock with a look of surprise on her face. "Who is this young lady?" Tawny smiles sweetly. "Hello, I'm Tawny. I'm Dougie's girlfriend." My mum looks as if she is going to pass out. "I've never heard of you before. Douglas! Why didn't you mention her before?" "We just started going out a few weeks ago. We haven't hit the official line of being boyfriend-girlfriend yet." "I'm glad that you kids are taking things slow. Usually, Douglas here cannot wait to get in there and bust a nut." Tawny laughs and follows my mum into the house. What the hell is going on here? I follow into the house, still lost in a cloud of confusion. Mum has the tea pot on and she and Tawny are chatting on the couch, as if they have known each other since Moses wore short pants.

....

At least my mum believes me now. Tawny loves my mum; they have made plans to go out shopping tomorrow. I'm staying home; I don't think that I can handle shopping with those two. I am thankful that my mum did not break out the pictures she has of me as an infant. Harry wanted details when I got home. "Where did ya go? Who was that fine-ass bird in the car?" I push him out of the way. "I went out. That's Tawny and she is a lesbian." Her being a lesbian doesn't phase Harry. "So, can I get her number? I want to take her out sometimes." I scribble her number down on a piece of paper and hand it to him. I open my bedroom door to see Danny sitting on my bed. "Thank God you're home! Guess what?!" He is so excited I expect him to piss himself soon. "I couldn't possibly know. What?" "Jill called for you! She wants to call her so she can make plans to go out with you." They always come back to daddy.

-The President of the London Swinger's Club, Dougie Poynter


	19. Chapter 19

INSIDE THE PERVERTED MIND OF DOUGIE POYNTER CHAPTER 19

FRIDAY

I tried giving up on being a cynical asshole. but it didn't work. Harry pushed me to my limits. As much as I tried to be a good mate and listen to his baby bullshit, I could only take so much of it. I think that an hour and a half is more than enough to listen to shit like this; more power to the people who can listen to this shit for hours with a big broad grin on their face. I know that I can't handle it. If I hadn't told Harry that I needed to go take a shit, I probably would have slit my wrist. Then again, I don't want to stoop down to Tom's level and be such a pussy. I don't think that I could commit suicide. I've got a lot of people here that I haven't fucked yet and there are still a lot of things that I have not accomplished in my life.

Plus, if I ever told people that I was thinking about ending my life, they would think that I was fuckin' kidding. Another bother would be having to leave a note. What the fuck would I say? I hate you all and I hope that you all burn in hell? Or I could do what a lot of people do, that really impresses me, not leave a note at all and let the fucks wonder why you did it! I think that I am really onto something here. I believe it is time to test the mental strength of my fellow roommates.

.....

My fake suicide did not impress any of them; in fact Harry told me that if I ever pulled shit like that again, then I really would be dead. He said he'd kill me with a hammer and a piece of dental floss. I don't know what the dental floss would be for, and I don't ask him about it either. I figure that it is not the time to make wisecracks. Danny suggested that I be locked inside a room with a hungry wolf dipped in blood, and I would not be let out until I learned how to be an adult. Tom had nothing to say. I wanted Tom to say something about what I did, but he couldn't seem to find words. He did something that I would never expect him to do, him being against violence at all. Tom pulled me onto his lap, put me over his knee and began to spank me. I don't mean the kind of love taps that you get in the bedroom, I mean the kind of spanks you give your kid when they fuck up. What I want to know is where does Tom get the authority to do this to me? I don't ask him; I don't want his hand to come down harder on my ass than it already is.

After about 10 minutes of spanking, Danny tells Tom that he's done enough. I glance over and see that my ass has over a thousand of Tom's hand-prints. My ass is all sore and a light shade of purple. A light shade of magenta, if you really want to know. I've never seen this colour in my life; I don't think that it is even in the crayon box.

....

Tom is giving me all this stupid shit that people are all the same. Oh yeah? Then if we are all the same, then I guess that we all have the same parts and everybody is really gay. I point this out to Tom and he gets all pissy with me. "That is not what I meant and you know it." "What did you mean by it, then? I'm confused." Tom shoots me a look, tells me to blow myself and stalks off. Blow myself? Fuck, if I could do that, I would never leave the house! I'd ring all my friends and tell them to come over to check out what I could do. Must make a note to learn how to blow myself. That would really steam Tom's asshole.

Speaking wonderful things that warm the bottom of your hearts, Tom has sent a newsletter out to all our fans about what we have been up to lately. Someone needs to take this asshole out of the game, before I lose my temper and kill him. Is Tom on the fuckin' gossip team, now? It wouldn't surprise me; he does a lot of stupid shit. He even enclosed photos of us. Does anyone want to see a picture of me trying to get laid at the mall? No. Maybe I should do a newsletter of my own. I'll do it over the holidays; that is when Tom is at his worst. He usually gets so stressed over the holidays that he pulls all his pubs out. Hey! Maybe I can scoop up his pubs and put them in a little baggy and sell them on E-Bay. That will give me a little bit of pocket change for the holidays. That reminds me, we are all going to go shopping this weekend. That outta be a fuckin' fiasco.

.....

I was walking down the street when I saw a familiar ass sticking up in the air. "Danny, what are you doing?" "I neeb held!" "What? What's wrong with you?" I get closer and I see that Danny has got his tongue stuck in a gum ball machine outside of the local cafe. "Danny! What the fuck are you doing?!" "I wab tryin' to give the machine a blow job!" He was trying to give a gum ball machine oral? And they say that I am desperate. I'm relived that he didn't stick his dick into the thing; then again, that would have been quite the thing to see. Seeing as the gum ball slot is about four feet off the ground. The waiter come out of the cafe and catches me trying to pull Danny out. "What are you two gentlemen doing?" "Uh, my mate here was trying to get his gum ball out and without thinking he stuck his tongue in the slot to get it out." The waiter raises an eyebrow. "Do I need to call for help?" I nod. "That would be great, seeing as I can't work him loose. I think he's caught behind his tonsils." The waiter turns and goes into the restaurant to ring for help.

"Well, Danny isn't this fun?" He grunts at me. "This reminds me of the time that you caught me with Amy and I got stuck in her. Remember that one?" "Yeah. I do." Then it hits me, that I haven't heard anything about her since they pulled me out of her at the hospital. "What ever happened to her? Are you guys still going out." "No. She broke up it me." "Why?" "She said you were a etter fuck in ed." Me a better fuck? Better than Danny? Wow. I guess the Heavens have smiled down on me. "I'm sorry to hear that." I'm really not, I'm secretly overjoyed. "It's okay." Before I can ask him any more questions, the fire department shows up to get Danny out.

I sit back and sip on a cup of Joe while the fire blokes work Danny out. The look on his face when they poked him in the throat was brilliant! It looked kinda like Harry when he's taking a shit. Speaking of Harry, I'd best be off to meet him. We're going to the zoo and let all the monkeys out of their cages. When Tom sees this on the news tonight, he should be really happy. It will be like a big family reunion.

-The Keeper of the Keys, Dougie Poynter


	20. Chapter 20

INSIDE THE PERVERTED MIND OF DOUGIE POYNTER CHAPTER 20

SATURDAY

Tom left on vacation today; but he still managed to fuck my day up. I woke and went to the kitchen to find several stickies in Tom's handwriting. He left a whole series of notes on how to do things around the house when he's gone. "Wax the floor in the kitchen." "Make sure that you take your shoes off before you come into the house." I'm surprised that he didn't leave me a note telling me how and when to wipe my ass. Danny comes into the kitchen to get breakfast. "What's all this?" He looks at the kitchen that is covered in sticky notes. "Mother Hen left us instructions on how to do things around the house. Apparently he doesn't think that we could figure it the fuck out." Danny snorts. "Scrub the shower with the blue handled brush. Oh, yeah? Scrub my asshole with your toothbrush, Tom." He shreds the note into a thousand little pieces and lets them fall to the floor. He walks over the pile and starts pulling baking mix out. "What are you making?" "Flapjacks. Want some?" "Sure." I sit down at the table and pull out the Saturday newspaper. It's as thick as a bible. I'm not in the mood for that much reading, so I pull out my other option; Archie Comics. A good way to get your daily dose of human values. Tom once told me that I reminded him of Jughead. You know, that asshole with the fuckin' crown? I was going to say that he was a character in the book, but I couldn't find one repulsive enough. Instead, I told him that he reminded me of Michael from All In The Family. I saw that show when I was in New York City once, and it won my heart. I fell in love with Archie Bunker; he's an asshole and he's the man of the house. What more can you ask for? That is what I want to aspire to one day.

Harry has decided that he wants to take up a new instrument. "What are you thinking of playing, Harry?" I bet he tells me that he wants to take up the skin flute. "I was thinking of learning how to play wind chimes." Danny drops his flapjacks on the floor. "Did you just say wind chimes?" "Yeah. I think it would be a fun experience." Danny takes the words out of my mouth. "Well, keep me the fuck out of that experience."

.....

Harry has gone and shaved his head; he wants to make some kind of statement or something. He looks like an uncircumcised dick! What kind of fuckin' statement is he going to make looking like that? I wish that Tom was here to see this; he'd probably die of a stroke. I know that I nearly did. And for the first time in his life, Danny was completely and totally speechless. "Harry, what in the name of hell's teeth have you done to your head?" He turns to me. "You fancy it? You should try it yourself." I just nod. I can't think of anything to say to this. Danny looked over the top of his paper and saw Harry's head, I thought that his eyes were going to explode. "What the hell happened to you?" "I am making a statement." "Looking like a giant penis is a fashion statement now?" Harry flips Danny the finger and goes outside. I look over at Danny, who has gone back to reading his newspaper. First the wind chimes, now this. Things sure have gone to shit, now that Tom has gone. Fuck. You never heard me say that. If Tom catches word that I said that, I will never hear the end of it. He will gloat every chance that he gets. And I am not exaggerating this one, people. One more thought on Tom before I end, he is the bullshit glue that holds us all together.

....

I needed some dating advice so I went to the Hugh Hefner of London aka Danny. "I am thinking of going out with Jackie, but then there is this other girl that I fancy. Her name is Abby and she has the most brilliant pair of green eyes that I have ever seen. I think that I should ask Abby out." Danny turns around in his chair. "The little voice in your head, trust it. It is never wrong." How is that going to help me with my dating dilemma? The little voice is always right, huh? So, what if the little voice in your head tells you 'kill all these motherfuckers at the bus stop' you have to do it? I don't think that makes much sense at all. Why did he have to tell me this? Now I'll be fuckin' around with this brain teaser all goddamn day. These are just a few of the thoughts that distracted me while I took exams. (No need to wonder why I did shitty, huh?)

I run away from Danny before he can give me anymore brain teasers to tackle. He should have been a fucking maths teacher. He could confuse the shit out of all the students in his class and have the parents up in arms when he handed out shitty marks. I should remember to tell him this, just incase the band doesn't work he has a fall back career. If the band doesn't work out, then I guess I'm fucked. I can always go and flip burgers somewhere or scrape shit off the sidewalk. Tom, well, as I have said before will probably be a security guard at some tight-ass place. As for Harry, I don't really know. He'll probably go back to beating the shit out of people; except he doesn't call it that, he calls it rugby.

....

I feel the need to complain at the moment. It was just one of those days, the ones that make you want to put a gun to your head. I think that if I don't complain I will probably explode. So here, I offer you, A list of things that are pissing me off.

1. the cunt on the bus who hasn't washed her crotch out since 1850 and makes the whole bus smell like fish and corns. Okay? This shit does not impress any of us. I know that I nearly vomited; I was forced to endure this odour no, that is not a strong enough word to describe the smell. I'm surprised the smell didn't eat the crotch out of her jeans. Yeah, it was that fuckin' bad. Not even Lysol could handle a smell like that. They should bottle her odour and ship it over to the Middle East; that should cease fire over there. The smell alone would kill them all! And the very few, that might survive will drop to their knees and praise their God that their lives were spared. They would be too busy thanking their God to cause any fuckin' trouble.

2. These useless douche bags who don't know what the fuck a watch is. You wear it on your wrist and it tells you the time. What's the big fuckin' mystery? And I don't want to hear this "I didn't have a watch, so I didn't know the time." You know what I say? Fuck you. Fuck people like that in the ass with a pool stick. The radio in your car tells you the time, your cell tells you the time-fuck, everybody's got a cell phone these days; they are like assholes-everybody's got one. And for fucks sake your Ipod tells time! Not only the time in your country, but the time in others as well. I don't have time for jerk-offs like this.

3. People who complain about their acne. No one gives a fuck. okay? Maybe your dermatologist who's drug habit you're feeding by visiting him every week, but most of the world gave give three shits about your skin condition. You know when they give a hit about it? When they are tying to get off to your photo in a magazine! But no need to worry about that, these days they can fix you up real good with that photoshop shit. Personally, I think this is a bunch of shit. If you're ugly, you should stay ugly. You should not be allowed to get fixed up to look good so you can get a free fuck. Stand in line and pay for it like the rest of us.

4. This brings me to people that get plastic surgery in an attempt to look smarter. You over paid cocksuckers need to learn that looks do not make ya smart. Okay? If they did, there would be a lot of smart people running around and SHIT WOULD ACTUALLY GET DONE!! And while I am on the topic of plastic surgery, I would like to add that, I don't think that it's okay for people get plastic surgery in an attempt to look sexy. Its a form of lying and I feel that it is rather misleading. What if your fucking someone because you thought they were fit and then you find out that they actually look like your Uncle Charles? That's just not right!

....

Tom will be coming home tomorrow because he forgot that we had a show to do. Again, I ask, does anyone in this world fuckin' think? I think I know the answer to that question and the answer is no. Speaking of answers being, no, I called Jill. As Danny told me a day or so ago, she called. I figured that it was about time that I called her back before I lost the opportunity to score. I rang her and she answered on the second ring. "Hello?" "Hey, Jill. It's me Dougie." "Oh yeah!" "I'm calling because Danny said that you rang looking for me the other day." "I did. I was wondering if I could come over at get my bra back. I left it there when I ran out the other day." "Sure, you can come over and grab it. Then after that, how about we go out on a date?" "No thanks. I just want my bra back." "What? Why don't you want to go out with me?" "Because I'm already seeing someone else." That little whore! We were together the other day and she's already out blowing somebody else?! Fuck her, I don't need that shit. "Fine. Just come get your fuckin shit!!" I slam the phone down before she can say anything to me. She doesn't ring back. Fuck, I think that I will keep her nunga-nunga holder. It will do me good when Halloween rolls around again; I can go out as Mickey Mouse.

-Mickey's Corporate Master, Dougie Poynter


	21. Chapter 21

INSIDE THE PERVERTED MIND OF DOUIGE POYNTER CHAPTER 21

SUNDAY

we went on stage last night and while we were playing I was looking at all of the signs that the fans had made. Some of them were really sexy. One girl had a image of her boobs on her poster! I nearly snapped a string I hit the chord so hard. And Tom of course, was reading the signs too. This other girl had a sign that says "LICK MY PUSSY DRY!" He sang that instead of the actual lines in the song. The whole audience went silent and the rest of us stopped playing. Tom looked like he was going to pass out. Danny runs up to him and starts and starts whispering angrily in his ear. I hope that Danny teaches Tom a lesson in front of all the girls; then Tom won't be getting laid until he's at least 50. That would be such a blessing to me. Even better would be Danny not getting laid. That over-sexed moron is always on my case about the girls that I date. He gets his asshole in a bind, just because I am very selective about my women, I just don't go out and fuck anything like the other guys do. I hope that Danny gets the clap, then he can really be a sailor; after all he does swear like one.

The show ends, Tom keeping the fuckin' lyrics straight. That is quite the relief. I thought that Danny was going to blow a blood vessel he was so goddamn mad over the whole thing. I don't know why Danny got so pissed off about it; I found the whole thing rather funny. Maybe I am immature or something. Danny got all pissed off at me because I was laughing about the whole thing. You know what? Fuck Danny and everybody who looks like him. And while we are fucking people here, fuck Tom and the horse he rode in on; I've had enough of his egotistic arrogance. And for Harry, uh, fuck him in the ass with a pine cone! I don't know. I wasted all of my comic genius on the other two, so I'm out of ideas. How would you fuck someone in the ass with a pine cone? Must ask Harry if he will be willing to do it. I'll tell him its a science project.

We are in the van on the way home and Danny is sound asleep. I guess that being a obnoxious asshole is too much for him; it's not for the fainthearted. "Poor Danny, he's all tired out from the show. He really did put a show on for the fans." Harry says. Excuse me? I was the one running around from either end of the stage shaking my ass around trying to arouse the crowd. All Danny did was stand still, look sexy and swing his hips around. Was I at a Beyonce concert and I just didn't fuckin' know it? I must have been. Poor Danny my asshole.

.....

When I was running away from Danny the other day, my shorts got stuck up in my ass crack. I don't know how it happened, but I do know that it has to be one of the most uncomfortable feelings. I don't know why I wrote that in here...probably just for something to do. There is not much going on here. Tomorrow is Christmas, so we will be decorating. I wonder if Danny has told Tom that we will be celebrating the Fourth of July too.

"Hey, Danny! Did you tell Tom that we are going to be celebrating the Fourth of July?" Tom looks up from his knitting. "That's American. Why the hell would we celebrate that?" "Because it is a fun thing to do and it gives us an excuse to have a BBQ on the roof." Tom shakes his head. "We are not doing that." "But we can roast corn on the roof!" Tom considers it. "Now that sounds like a fuckin' plan! I'll go out and pick up all the shit later. Harry! Harry! Where the fuck are you?! Oh, there you are. You are gonna go out and get the fireworks. Danny and Dougie, uh, just do something." All right! I am pumped and ready for action. The only downfall is that we have to celebrate Christmas tomorrow, and our Fourth of July party will be the day after. What the fuck? They have Christmas in July, why not have the Fourth of July at Christmas time? I should have been a professor of philosophy.

....

It's really depressing now that Tom has come home. He found that we had ignored all of his stickies in the kitchen and had not done anything around the house. We did do some stuff! I managed to do the dishes without nearly killing myself, Danny watered the plants and Harry got the Christmas lights out. Who the fuck does Tom think he is? Mule Muffins to him and to his horse. "Why didn't you guys do anything around the house?" Tom starts with the grand fuckin inquisition. "We did shit around the house. Take a look around." Tom looks around; there are cobwebs hanging and there is a layer of dust on the top of the microwave. "Really? What shit did you do." "Lots of shit. If you don't like the way that we do things, then hire a fuckin' cleaning crew when you go out." Tom snorts and goes to sit in front of the telly. He needs to realise that he has a dick, not a set of tits and stop playing mother hen. I'm stick and tired of this shit.

.....

Harry got a dog and brought it home; don't get me wrong, I'm an animal lover, but I don't want some slobbery-ass mutt in my house. The worst part of the situation is that the dog drags his ass across the carpet and gives me looks like Tom. So in a nutshell, it is like having another Tom in the house. Danny loves the idea and he has the dog sleep with him in his bedroom. Excuse the fuck out of me, but I find that creepy. The dog doesn't mind though; he really likes it. He's as happy as a pig in shit. At least of one of us is happy. I'm not going to be happy if I find that the dog took a dump in my room. If that happens I'll skin it and make a furry hat out of it. Danny has a beaver skin hat; I don't know where he got it or what type of beaver it is made out of, and I am not going to ask either. If he wants to wear boots made out of someone's crotch hair, that's fine with me, but just keep me the fuck out of it.

....

Christmas is in the air. Harry is hanging Christmas lights on the house and is really getting into the season. I think that we could save a little on the electric bill by turning off half those fuckin' lights. I bet that you could see our house from space; Harry would know, he's head is always up floating around with the planets. Tom is holding the ladder, while Harry is up on it. If you put Danny out there then it would look like The Three Stooges. Some fan told me that I should watch that show on youtube, so I logged on. That was some of the funniest shit ever. I nearly puked I was laughing so hard. Danny thought it was funny too and tried to re-create some of the stunts in the backyard; let's just say that it looks like a meteor fell into the yard. I don't know what he did, but it certainly will never be forgotten that he did something. A light dusting of snow covers the hole so I can't really complain. it's really bitchin' to look at. I think that I could turn it into a tourist attraction and make a little money. Speaking of money, Tom owes me for spotting him the other night.

There is a thud outside and yelling. I run out of the house to see what is going on. Harry has fallen off the ladder and is tangled in a string of lights. Tom is standing there looking as useful as a bull with three tits. "Harry!" I dash over to him to see if he's still breathing. I've already bought his Christmas present and I hate to waste money. "Touch hole moved the ladder before I was ready and I fell off. He's lucky that I don't kill him!" Tom steps back. "It wasn't my fault! I slipped on the ice and bumped the ladder!" Harry manages to stand up without falling and smacks Tom with the string of lights. "Suck my balls. You always have some kind of excuse for when you fuck up." Tom looks upset. "It really happened." I cut in. "Yeah, if he were lying, it would be something stupid. A pink elephant tried to rape me from behind and I bumped the ladder when I was trying to get away." Even Tom laughs at these even thought the remark is about him. We all head into the house laughing; none of us can explain what is so goddamn funny. Danny is sitting on the sofa watching a film when we stumble through the front door.

"What the fuck is wrong with you guys?" He asks. "I don't know what is so funny!" He eyes us, then a look of concern spreads across his face. "Where were you guys?" "Out on the side of the house hanging Christmas lights!" We continue to laugh while Danny grows more panicked by the second. "Which side of the house?" "The right." "Oh fuck!" He shoots out of his chair and races to the second floor laundry room. We follow behind him snickering like school girls. He rips open the dryer door and fishes around inside looking for something. He pulls out his pants and checks the pockets. "Oh, no! I washed all my pot! Then when I put my pants in the dryer it was blowing pit fumes out through the vent where you guys were! I can't believe that I did that! Goddamn! That was like £50 worth of pot!" Tom looks over at Danny. "Do you have any more?" "No I don't have anymore! What do I look like? A drug dealer?" "No, if you were a drug dealer you would be a hell of a lit smarter." Danny shoves me and I fall into Tom, who falls into Harry. We all fall over on the ground and Danny steps on us one his way out of the laundry room. "That was awesome." Tom and Harry snicker in unison. I have never felt this good in my life. I think that I have found a new activity that relieves anxiety and depression. Too bad it is fuckin' expensive.

-The Columbian Drug Lord of London, Dougie Poynter


	22. Chapter 22

INSIDE THE PERVERTED MIND OF DOUGIE POYNTER CHAPTER 22

MONDAY

It is Christmas tonight! I cannot wait to see what I got. Thank God that my mum is going to be at her mum's house so she won't be able to make it. I will go and visit her at her house. It's not that I don't want to see her, its not that at all. It's just that, I don't want her at my house. Every time she comes over she digs through my shit and demands to know why the house is always filthy. Speaking of filth! We have an interview with PlayGirl coming up. I cannot wait for this one either; finally we are doing something that I am really good at. It's only an interview, but hell, I cannot wait to go and snoop through the rooms. Maybe I can find myself a little hottie to take home with me. I will be sure to pray to God and ask him for this tonight.

Yeah, Tom has decided that he wants to do evening prayer together. It is supposed to bring us closer together. Where does he get these ideas? I swear that I am going to kill the motherfucker(s) who is teaching him this kind of shit. It is making my life a living hell.

Speaking of hell, OH MY GOD! I slammed open the bathroom door earlier to find Tom sittin' on the can, eating a chocolate bar. He had chocolate all over his face when he looked up at me. Wait! The other day he told me that he was on The South Beach Diet; It's all the rage in California, I've heard. And the last time that I heard, chocolate bars were not on the fuckin' food list.

....

I have a Christmas tree in my room. And you know what Harry's stupid fuckin; dog did? It ate some of the decorations off my tree and took a big shit next to it. I thought a reindeer got loose in my room or some shit. For Christ's sake the dog ate my favourite stuffed toy that I had hung on my tree! I'm gonna go have a little chin wag with Harry to see what I can get done about this.

I pound on Harry's door. "Yeah? Who's fuckin' knocking?" "It's me!" "Who the fuck is me?" "Dougie, you bleeding imbecile!" The door swings open. Harry is still sitting on his bed. "How'd you do that?" "A remote control. Check this shit out." He waves me into his room and motions for me to sit down. I sit at his desk and watch the door. He pulls out a giant remote and presses the red button in the centre and the door slams shut. Holy shit! I wish that I had one of them; that way when Tom is yacking at me I can slam the door in his face without even having to get off the bed. "That thing is great! Where the hell did you get that?" "I made it with a little help from Danny." I guess Danny really missed his calling with this fixing shit stuff. "Harry we need to talk about your new dog." "Oh, yeah? What's wrong with him?" "He ate my favourite stuffed toy then shit the remains out on the floor." "So? Dogs will be dogs." He turns his attention back to his television set. I am not going to put up with this shit. "Either you handle it or I am gonna skin that thing and make a hat out of the fur." "You want a fur hat? I'll give you a fur hat!" He knocks me out of the chair and he pulls his pants down. Then he proceeds to rub his crotch all over my head. "There's your fur hat." He says standing up. He pulls up his pants and flops back down on the bed. "It was nice talking to you." The door swings open and I know that it's time for me to leave. I walk out of the room, feeling ill. Now I have to go and take a shower. Hopefully my shampoo will be strong enough to get the stink of Harry crotch out of my hair. Oh God, I smell like a used ball bag!

....

Thankfully, Tom did not make Christmas dinner. We ordered pizza. What a fuckin' relief! I didn't want to get food poisoning on Christmas. God must have heard my cries and saved me from that fate. Harry wants double mushroom. I don't want double anything; I've got triple asshole here. "I want cheese. Nothing else on it." Danny writes it down and asks Tom what he wants on his pizza. To be honest, I don't think that Danny has enough room on that piece of paper to write down all the things that Tom wants on his pizza. It surprises me when he says, "Pepperoni and sausage." Did I sleep through the first half of his fuckin' order. "That's all?" I ask him. "Yeah. I want to save room for candy and dessert later." Silly fuckin' me. I should have known that one was coming. "Good idea." Tom smiles smugly as if he just invented something fuckin' useful.

Danny comes in with the pizzas about 15 minutes later. Yay! Dinner is served! Following in tradition, we grab napkins and race to the telly, where we sit and stare at it as we eat. I look over at Danny. He's got cheese in his hair and he is happily munching on a slice. At least he's happy. I'm not going to be an asshole and point it out on Christmas. All there is is Christmas shit on the family channel. "Turn that shit off! Put it on something cool." Danny shouts at the Remote King aka Harry. "I'm going! Don't get your scrotum in a bind." Harry flips a few channels until Danny yells at him to stop. "You wanna watch this?" It's a show about how they make thongs. I'm all for it. Tom's practically inside the set, trying to remember every detail of the program. I bet that he wants to open his own thong production company next.

...

Well, Christmas was a huge fuckin' bust. Al I got were socks, a tube of lube and an air freshener. In another words, I got a cheap version of a get yourself off kit. I couldn't believe my fuckin' eyes when I opened my presents and found that shit. I spent valuable time writing out lists for these assholes and they couldn't even follow the fuckin' instructions? It's amazing that they can wipe their own asses without someone telling them how to do it! Probably not. I bet that if I go and check the toilet paper, there will be little instructions printed on the other fuckin' side.

I'm going out with Tom's unlimited credit card to have myself a real fuckin' Christmas! Now you must think that I am greedy and that I don't know what the meaning of Christmas is. Bullshit, my friend. I know what Christmas is all about; I spent enough of my childhood Sundays as a child sittin' in a little wooden bench. Of course, after the guy in the bathrobe had droned on for a while, I lost what little concentration I had. I got a lot of daydreaming done during that time though. Actually, I liked going to church. It was the only place where I could stare off into space for the longest time and my mum wouldn't say anything about it; she must have thought that I was listening. I mean, I caught a bit here and there, but that's about it. The part that I really hated about going to church was my mum forcing me to wear those little short wool knickers. They were itchy as fuck in the summer months, let me tell you.

I have to take the bus to the stores, as no one wants to drive my ass around today. What is the point of living with a bunch of people who can drive you and they are too lazy to do so? Good thing that I found my bus pass before Harry's stupid dog did. They always say that pets resemble their owners; well in this case the likeness is fuckin' frightening.

....

Back from shopping and let me tell you, I found a bunch of good finds. Asshole floss, pineapple flavoured condoms and- AND the last box of edible panties mango flavour. I'm gonna have me a good time tonight. Now if only I had a woman to go with all of this. I still have Tom's credit card, I think that I will treat myself once again. Fuck, while I'm at it maybe I will get a girl for each one of the guys.

....

Tom slams the front door open and he's carrying a giant ass box. I mean the box is almost bigger than him. "What's in the box?" "Fireworks for tomorrow." I can't believe that tight-ass is really going to allow us to set fireworks off on the roof. I don't know where he got fireworks this time of year and I don't want to know either. I bet that he got them off the black market! I don't know what it is, I just heard about it on a mob movie that I watched once. I think that it would be cool to be in the mob. Don't you? Just hang around with the hoes all day, smoking a cigar making money. That sounds like my kind of job. I will look into it; that can be my backup plan incase the band doesn't work.

Danny isn't far behind him carrying the BBQ and a bag of charcoal. Fuckin' shit! This is better than Christmas! I love the Fourth of July! Tom sits in the kitchen and starts peeling the corn so that it will be ready for tomorrow. We are gonna get up real early and make Jello shots. Tom wont make them tonight; he probably figures that I will get into them and we will have none for tomorrow's celebration. He thought right. I would suck 2 dozen of them fuckers down in 5 minutes.

....

You know what really irritates me? Popcorn. Why? I have several reasons that I could list here.

1. It is called popcorn, yet it is not a vegetable. Why? What's the fuckin' problem with it being called a vegetable? It's corn isn't it? Doesn't it come from corn? It must be the pop part that throws them off.

2. Whenever I open the bag all this steam blows out at me, practically giving me the steamed facial treatment and when I reach in for a handful of pop corn the shit if fuckin' luke warm! Doesn't this defy some law of physics? I am not a physicist, but I should think that some fuckin' laws were broken in the making of this food.

3. The taste of the popcorn is what gets me the most. It doesn't taste like corn at all, yet it is called popcorn. Maybe that is why they don't count it as a veggie. Don't get me wrong, I like the taste, I just want to know what the fuck it is I am tasting here. Have you ever had anything that tastes like this? I did once and it was a laytex glove. That must be the pop part that I am tasting, because I certainly am not tasting corn here.

-The Food Police Constable, Dougie Poynter


	23. Chapter 23

INSIDE THE PERVERTED MIND OF DOUGIE POYNTER CHAPTER 23

TUESDAY

I found Danny in the broom closet experimenting with some of the gun powder. I think he was snorting it or something. He was bent over a small pile of it when I opened up the door. "Danny! What are you doing?" "I-I was just checking to make sure that it is quality gun powder." I raise an eyebrow. "Look, I don't give a shit, You can lie to me all you want, but the truth is I really don't care." "Are you accusing me of something?" "Me? Fuck no. I just needed to get the broom." He hands it to me and slams the door shut. I wish that I had time to sit in a closet and play with myself.

I hear shouting on the roof and I know that Tom and Harry are up there setting the BBQ up. Up on the balcony I see Tom and Harry going at it with each other. Harry's got his hand around Tom's throat and Tom is trying to scratch Harry's eyes out. God Bless the holidays. Danny comes up behind me. "What's going on?" " Those two assholes are going at it over something stupid as usual." He snorts.

.....

Holy shit. Tom was wearing the most ridiculous hat that I have ever seen in my life. I'm serious. It was a fuckin' goofy lookin' hat. It looks as if it was made out of an giraffe's ball bag. "Hey, Tom, where'd you get the dyke hat?" He turns around. "Excuse me? A what hat?" "A dyke hat." He turns deep pink. "What the fuck are you insinuating here?" Huh? I was making a comment about his queer-ass hat, not setting things on fire. What is he talking about? Does he does this to confuse me? I bet he does. He's a smug asshole and that is the kind of things that smug assholes do. "Go and help Danny with the hamburger patties before I put you over the grill and roast you." I dash off to help Danny. I don't want to be a part of Tom's sick fuckin' sacrifice fantasy. He can find another village idiot to do that with him; I am the smartest village idiot there is.

.....

Womb Groom is on and I'm trying to watch it. Danny and Tom are now arguing over how many hot dogs to cook. You know what I say? Cook the whole goddamn package and toss the rest in the fridge. I never get to watch a show in peace, there is always some kind of nonsense going on in this fuckin' house. I decide to go up on the roof and settle the argument myself. "Hey, you assholes! Why don't you just cook all of them and then put the rest in the fridge?" They look over at me. "Huh, that sounds like a good idea! Fuck, Tom you should have thought of it!" Danny shoves Tom. "Piss off! Why am I the one at fault here?" "Because you are always waving your dick around telling us all that you are the smartest one because you went to college for a bit." "The facts are the facts!" They start slapping each other and I step in with the spatula. "Both of you grow up and get the fuck over it. I'm trying to watch Womb Groom downstairs and I-" Danny cuts me off. "Womb Groom? Fuckin' a! I love that show!" "Me too!" Suddenly the fight has been forgotten. They push me down the stairs and race to the telly. Harry sits down next to me. "I'm sure that it will be on tomorrow." That doesn't help at all. I toss a hamburger at him. "I guess we are going to be playing chef up here." Harry says. Goddamn, I guess that we are. I thought I was supposed to have fun on the Fourth of July. So far I have had a real shitty time. I think the Americans have lied to me-no surprise there.

Harry has got a chef's hat on and he is flipping burgers. Who in the name of the Lord does he think he is? Chef Ramsay? He is cool shit in my opinion. I loved when he told Tom to fuck off. Ever since that day Gordon has been my hero and I watch him on the telly every night. I don't know what he really thinks of Tom, but I know that I think that Tom is such a piece of shit that not even hell will take him. Oh, that wasn't very nice of me to say...too bad. I feel that Tom deserves it at this moment. Maybe tomorrow I will wake up and I will want him to be my best friend. Fat fuckin' chance- the only way that is going to happen is if I fall off this roof and land on my noggin. That is a great possibility, so I'd better be careful what I write in here.

"Harry, you finish with the cooking while I go and check my email. I'm waiting for an important one." "Really? I didn't know that anybody would want to talk to you!" I sneer at Harry and head down to my room. Where the fuck does he get off, saying something like that to me? I should go up there and stick pieces of flaming charcoal up his ass. No, I think I'll save that one for Danny. I haven't done anything really shitty to him in a while, and I think that it is time that I do something. Don't want poor Danny to feel left out, do we? I didn't think so. "Lets see here....shit. More shit. Extreme shit." Nothing. The email that I was waiting for concerning my new penis enlarger pump has not arrived yet. Goddamn it! I want to know where that little fucker is and when it will arrive at my house. While checking my email I saw that I "have been selected" to receive a Rachel Ray cook set. Holy fuck! Isn't that magical. What am I gonna go with one of those? Stick the meat thermometer in my ass to see if I'm done? Blah. DELETE!! It makes me feel good to delete emails like this. I dunno, it makes me feel accomplished somehow.

....

Tom is all pissed off because Danny and I went along and stuck a firework in the loo. We were getting bored with just shooting them off the roof at low flying planes, so we decided to get creative. We set it off and the thing exploded with such force that it knocked us both back into the fuckin' tub! Water was spraying everywhere and we were soaked to the skin when Tom slammed the door open. Harry was behind him in the doorway paralysed with laughter. "What the fuck happened?!" Tom shrieks at us. "We, uh, had an accident?" "An accident! What the fuck kind of an accident!" He looks from us to the loo and finds the twisted remains of a firework. "An accident, you say?" Danny and I nod. "Then how the fuck did this get in here?!" He yells at us holding up the rest of the firework. "It had to use the loo?" Danny suggests. Harry is on all fours laughing like a complete asshole. Danny and I were laughing like that before Mother Hen came in to put a damper on the fun.

"I want this whole thing cleaned up in an hour! I don't want any excuses. When I come back here, I want this floor so clean that you could fuckin' eat off it!" He leaves us with brushes, a bucket and some cleaner. "So much for having a good time." Danny grumps as he scrubs the floor. "Tell me about it. But hey, look on the bright side." He looks up at me. "There is a bright side here?" "Yeah. Now that the loo is broken you can pretend that you have your own fix it show and fix the fuckin' thing!" Danny narrows his eyes and hits me with a brush. "Blow it out your ass." Blow what out my ass? Bubbles? I'm confused. "Have it your way." "I will fix this though. I think that it would be a fun challenge." A fun challenge? Trying to see if you can set your pubic hair on fire without burning your dick off is a fun challenge, trying to see if you can put a toilet back together is not. I rest my case.

....

I wanted to write a song about killing all the fuckers, but Tom wouldn't let me. As usual he was being a tight-ass. Doesn't he ever get sick of that shit? I bet he's got hemroids as big as asteroids. How does he sit down. How does he even take a shit? I think that I will end here before I make myself ill. Thinking about Tom's bowel movements is enough to turn anybody off and make them sick.

....

Fuck! Last night we went to the zoo! I played with Eddie. Danny and I had a great time watching Tom try to run away from Eddie. I wonder if Tom still has that tooth in his ass. I'd check, but I don't want to get that close to his ass.

-The Ring Leader, Dougie Poynter


	24. Chapter 24

INSIDE THE PERVERTED MIND OF DOUGIE POYNTER CHAPTER 24

WEDNESDAY

We decided that we needed to go on vacation, so we headed down to Australia. We were at the beach when Tom felt compelled to play constable man. Harry was about to light a cigarette when Tom rushed up to him. "Harry, you can't smoke on this beach. It's privately owned land." "What?" "Yeah. The government owns this land." "Fuckin' a! What am I gonna do now?" I feel like being helpful, so I give Harry a little smoking tip. "You could smoke on the water. You can't pass laws on a body of water because no one can own water." Harry gives me a giant hug. "Jesus holy shit Christ! That's bloody brilliant! Danny, go get that inflatable raft out of the car." "Why? What the fuck are we going to do with that?" Wasn't Danny listening to what I just fuckin' said? Probably not; he seemed way too involved in building a sandcastle to pay attention. "Because we are going to float out onto the water and puff away. Cigar, pipe cigarette, bong, joint, everything! And best of all they can't say shit about it to us! Fuck, we'll smoke the raft too." "How wan you smoke the raft if you are floating on it?" Fuckin' Tom always having to cut into everything and show us that he went to college. Yeah, he went for a fuckin' semester. Big fuckin' whoopty shit.

"It looks like Danny beat you to the punch line. I guess he's the first one to smoke on the water." What the fuck! That was my idea! even though I don't smoke, I wanted to be the first one to do it. Harry would have been the second, because if it wasn't for him, I wouldn't have thought of that ingenious idea. I pull out a pair of binoculars and look through them. "Where the fuck did you get those?" "I pulled them out of your mum's ass. No, they were just laying on the ground next to me. I have no idea who they belong to." I glance through them to see Danny out on the lake smoking a cigar. Harry's asshole is ablaze as soon as he looks through the binoculars. "How dare he fuck us like this! Get the fuckin' raft!" Fearing what Harry will do to me in a fit of rage, I run to the car and get the raft out. "Row faster!" He barks at me. I see Tom on the shore grinning from ear to ear. Douche bag. "Harry? Dougie?" "You stole my idea you mofo!" I shout at him. "You had an idea? I thought that Harry thought of it." "FUCK YOU!" Tom surfaces next to Danny. "Fuck who?" "Nobody! Hey, I thought that you were on the shore." "I was. I decided that I didn't want to miss the fun out here, so I swam out." "I didn't know that you could swim." Harry laughs at my remark. We slap high fivers and Tom spits water at me. I swing over at Tom and fall out of the raft. "Jesus! I'm all wet!" "Now you know how I feel Harry says." Danny and Tom stop laughing at my misfortune to stare at Harry. "I didn't need to know that." Tom grumps at him. "That's fuckin' disgusting! You sick pervert! I say something innocent and you go and turn it into a sex-ed lesson." "SEX ED LESSON!" Danny snorts with laughter. "You need sex-ed, Dougie." I lose my temper, grab Tom's goggles and smack Harry with them.

"You stupid asshole!" "Talking about yourself again there, Harry?" I ask him. He cracks me with a paddle. I start to feel light headed. Now I am going to drowned....

......

I wake up to Danny standing over me. "DOUGIE!" I sit up and cough out a bucket load of water. "What happened?" "You nearly died. Danny pulled you into his raft and gave you mouth to mouth while I rowed us back to shore." Danny gave me what? I think that I must have water in my ears; either that or sea weed. "He did what?" "He saved your life." "Where's Harry?" Tom glances out at the water. "He's still out rowing around. He's still upset that he nearly killed you." I look out onto the water and wish that I had died. I see Harry out rowing around in a giant inflatable penis. "What happened to the fuckin' raft he had?" "Oh, he popped a hole in it by accident. So he bought a new one, from a shop in town." A new raft? Is that what they are calling it. "Tom, Danny, It looks like an inflatable dick." Danny rubs his chin. "Yeah, it does, now that you mention it. " Harry rows into shore. "Hey guys!" "What the fuck is that, Harry?" Before Harry can answer me, Tom interrupts. " Why are you rowing around on a giant inflatable dick?" Harry looks at his "raft". "You mean this? I found it in a shop and I asked the owner if I could borrow it from him. He was a really nice bloke. I think you guys would like him." Danny falls over, making an imprint of him in the sand. "That is what I would have said if I was caught by my mates rowing around on a giant inflatable dick." Harry pulls his "raft" up onto the beach. "You're really good at that. Is that what you were doing last night? Is that why you didn't answer your cell phone last night?" Tom demands to know. "Uh, I was at Danny's cousin's house and she and I were-oh, uh, we were playing Monopoly." "You sneaky piece of shit!" I try to get up to knock the shit out of Harry, but Tom holds me back. "Let me handle this, You had a rough time already."

I flop back down in the sand and watch Tom make his way over to Harry. I slap Danny so he won't miss the fun. He sits up with sand in his hair looking confused. "What's goin' on?" I hush him. "Never mind that shit! Check it out!" I point over to where Harry and Tom are. Danny and I watch full of excitement as they battle it out. Tom hits Harry with a paddle and Harry goes completely fuckin' nuts. "Which cousin was it?" Harry looks over at me. "The red haired one. You know, that one." "I'm so proud of you man! I tapped that a few months back!" Harry and Tom forget their fight and slap high fives. What the fuck is going on here? I'm confused. Less than a second ago they were kicking the shit out of each other and now they are so close together, they could suck on each other's dicks if they wanted to. "I'm confused." I look over at Danny, who looks just as clueless as I am. "Tom and I fucked your cousin. What is so hard to understand here?" "Uh, I don't have a female cousin that looks like that." Harry and Tom stop celebrating. "You don't have a cousin that looks like that?" I shake my head. "No. I used to have a cousin that looked like that." Danny cuts in. Of course, he has to put his two fuckin' cents in. "Used to? Did she die or something?" "No. She had a sex change." Tom coughs and sputters. "Come again?" "Yeah. About 3 months ago this Saturday." Harry and Tom vomit into the water. "Pigs." Danny mutters.

"This girl had DDD tits and red hair." "That was my cousin!" Tom shouts at Harry. "You fucked your cousin?" Danny asks excitedly. Goddamn! This is better than CSI! "No! I fucked his cousin's sister's friend. Well, I think that it was his sister's cousin's friend. I'm not really sure." "What did she look like?" I want to find out who he was fucking! "She had blonde hair, about my colour and had like C-cup breasts and freckles." Danny and I both fall over. Harry looks at Tom with disgust. "That was Pregnant Patty." Tom falls to his knees. "Pregnant Parry?" He asks weakly. Harry pats him on the back. "It will be okay, mate." Tom looks at him. "You think?" Harry nods. I think Harry is an asshole for reassuring Tom, but I can't voice this, as I am too busy laughing with Danny at Tom's misfortune. "I thought that Danny got together with her once." Harry laughs. "Hell no. Danny never got with her because it's cheap and too scared of child support." Tom doesn't find this all very funny. "I've gotta go guys!" He stands up and tries to shake all the and out of his shorts. "Why? Where are you going?" "I've gotta go and call my other mate and have him take her to the clinic!" Tom gets into his car and flies off. This has been the best day ever. Nothing can make this day turn to shit.

....

Well, I was wrong about nothing being able to turn this day to shit. I should have know that something was going to go on to break my stride. We were sitting around the campfire sharing stories when they brought up the topic of personal relationships. I damn near died when Tom brought the whole thing up. Yeah, he's fuckin' prying for information; he wants to know which one of us is more sexually accomplished.

They all take turns telling stories around the campfire while I sit sipping a drink out of a coconut. Harry turns to me. "Dougie. You haven't told a story yet. Come on, spin us a yard." "You want me to lie?" Tom rolls his eyes. I hope his fuckin' eyeballs fall out, get coated in sand and when he puts them back in the sand scratches his eye sockets to bad that he bleeds to death. "No. We want you to tell us about one of your experiences." "And we don't need to hear how you got yourself off with a Coke bottle and a visor." Danny interjects. Oh, damn. What am I going to tell them? Every time I'm told that I suck in bed and that I need to find a new profession if I was thinkin' about being a gigalow. Being a male whore would be nice though; except I don't want to turn out like Danny- An over-sexed moron. I know that I have referred to him like that on more than one occasion.

"There was this one time, uh, um. Jill was her name." Danny cuts me off. "Was it the bird that you had in the shower once?" Tom and Harry are all ears now. "This just got a hell of a lot better." Harry nods at Tom's comment. "Yeah, that was the one. I-" Once again, Danny interrupts and starts telling them my story. "And so I went in to take a shit, and I find out that he's got this girl in the shower with him. I was like, 'no fuckin' way!!' And-" He continues on and on. Tom and Harry are hanging on his every word.

So to cut a long story short, Danny wins the sexual experience ribbon. Tom and Harry tie for second place. That left me trailing behind. Why am I friends with these guys? Though hearing about how Tom took Viagra once and it almost made his dick fall off was rather funny. I am off to bed, where I will dream of ways to get back at Danny, Harry and Tom. They shall be sorry that they started a conversation like that.

-The holder of last place in the sexual experience race, Dougie Poynter


	25. Chapter 25

INSIDE THE PERVERTED MIND OF DOUGIE POYNTER CHAPTER 25

THURSDAY

We have returned home. Thank God too. I don't think that I can handle another vacation anytime soon. And there is the fact that Danny needed to get back to pick up his new car. New Car. I know what you must be thinking, but no, he didn't have another accident. He just thought that he deserved a treat, so as any man needing to prove his manhood to the world would, he went out and bought himself a new car. Nothing but a dick waving fest in my opinion. Buying a new expensive car is the Olympics of the dick waving fest world.

"Hey Dougie! Come here for a minute! You can jerk off later!" How does he know that I am jerking off? "Be right there!" I call back to him. I need to get out of this house; there is nothing to do but jerk off. And if this keeps up, I am going to end up with Carpal Tunnel. "I'm gonna go and pick up my new car. Wanna come?" "Do I ever!" I pull my pants up and rush out the door behind him.

Danny got a Lamborginni. I don't think that he deserves a car this nice, especially when it comes to driving, he sucks. "I love your new car!" "I know. I have good taste in cars, don't I?" This sure beats the hell out of Tom's lifeless pussy car. "Fuck yeah, you do. I'm in the passenger seat and I am still likely to get some ass." Danny and I slap high fives. He swerves; that was a bad move on my part to tell him to give me a high five. He is a shitty driver as it is, I should make sure that he keeps his concentration on the bloody road. "Let's go out and party." Did he just say party? "Fuckin' right we are gonna party!"

....

I have such a hangover, and Tom showed up to make it worse. Harry is still sleeping on top of the piano. Danny is passed out next to me with vomit all over his clothes. That was one hell of a party, let me tell you. I'm surprised that they didn't call the Queen's Guard over to put an end to it, it was that out of control. I hear a car pull into the driveway and I know that the Hitler youth has pulled up in his pussy car. I glance out the window to see Tom get out of his car. He looks angrier and angrier as he looks around the yard. His eyes linger on the broken fence and the TP all over the yard. The look on his face when he sees Danny's boxers in the flower bed is priceless. It looks as if he swallowed a lemon. Tom raps on the door. "You assholes! The bloody door is locked! Open up!" I stumble to the front door dressed in toilet paper and my boxers. Tom's eyes are the size of dinner plates as he takes in the scene before him. "What the fuck went on here last night?" Harry comes down stairs wearing no pants and a bad attitude. "What the fuck are you doing here?" Tom looks appalled at Harry's question. "I live here you stupid douche." "Oh, yeah." Harry leaves Tom and me alone, as he shuffles off to the kitchen.

"Where's Danny?" Tom asks me. Danny! I don't want to hear his fuckin' name after what he did to me last night. "He's always driving his little jeep around naked. And he's got the girl that I fancy in the passenger seat." Tom looks bewildered. "What?" Oh shit! I said that last thought out loud. Danny pulls up in his little Jeep. What the fuck?! I thought that he was still passed out. "What the fuck are you doing here?" Danny asks Tom. I can't wait to see Tom's face; this is the second time that he has been asked that in under 5 minutes. "I live here! And I was also going to remind you that you have an interview today." "Oh shit! I've gotta get ready!" Danny jumps out of his Jeep and runs into the house. "He's naked." Tom points out. "Don't fuckin' ask me. The last time that I saw him he was wearing vomit covered clothes." Tom is green in colour but he still manages to look pissed off. "Are you in a shit mood because Danny gets to ride around naked in a Jeep while you go and bust your ass?" "No. I'm in a shit mood because I had to sleep outside because a certain group of assholes locked me out last night." I thought that he just pulled in a few moments ago. "Tom, didn't you just get here a little while ago?" "Yeah. I went out for breakfast and then came back." That makes sense; that is something that he would do.

"It was so cold in the fuckin' car! I would have been better off sleeping in the fuckin' dog house." Tom grumps. That would have been just the thing to see. I would pay to see Tom crammed inside a dog house. Before I can respond to Tom, the door slams open and Danny comes out looking almost the same; the only difference is that he is wearing a tie and he has a beer in hand. "I'm ready." My eyes nearly fall out and I know that Tom is wearing the same expression on his face. "You'd better get your pansy ass back in there and put some fuckin' clothes on." What has gotten into Tom today? He is using foul language (more often than he usually does). This is starting to scare me. What if Tom got abducted by aliens?! HOLY SHIT!!

....

I'm in a real shitty mood, so I am gonna complain a little here. I was walking down the street on my way back from coffee with Harry, when I heard a name that makes me want to rip my ears off. Parker. For some reason, this name aggravates me to no extent. It's a stupid fuckin' name, in my opinion. It's not even a name, to my way of thinking. Parker...Blah. "PARK HER OUT BACK!!" See? Not a name. It's something that you yell at a stupid fuck when they are trying to park at your house.

Another thing that is pissing me off is adults who dress up in costumes and go to work. That happened to me today! When I went to the cafe with Harry, I saw this guy dressed like fuckin' Pee Wee Herman. I don't know if he worked there or not, but what I really want to know is, why the fuck he was dressed like that. Or that could be his usual attire. Either way, a guy who dresses like that or wears costumes during working hours needs to have their head fuckin' examined. Yeah, I wear costumes, but it's usually at night and I am so drunk that I can't find my own clothes to wear.

People who wear a hat and mittens in the car. Tom is one of the worst offenders in this case. Turn the fuckin' heat on! You sit with your hat, mittens, scarf, etc. complaining that it's cold. I have no patients for people like that. To my way of thinking, these people are stupid and they are a threat to us as well as themselves. People like that need to be dipped in bread crumbs and dipped in boiling oil. French Fried fuck holes!

......

Tom is unhappy with Danny and me at the moment. We wanted to play Operation, but we couldn't find the board game. I had a Tom doll lying around, you know, one of those things that you stick the pins in and wish ill fortune with? We put the Tom doll on the top of a shoe box, stuck things in different parts of his body and made some fake money. We were about halfway through the game and I was handling a very difficult surgical procedure (pulling the stick out of his ass) when Tom slammed open the door and saw us.

"What are you two doing to that poor doll?!" He rips the doll away from us and flips it over. "This is one good looking doll. He looks kinda familiar." "I should fuckin' hope so." Danny says and we giggle. Tom looks at the doll a little closer and realises that he was staring at himself. "What the fuck is this?!" He thunders. Danny and I huddle together while Tom rants and raves over it. "We were playing Operation. We couldn't find the board game, so we made our own version." Tom gives us a murderous look. "So you play the game using a doll that looks like me?" "Well, yeah. We didn't have anything else to use. We could have played it and took shit apart." Tom throws the doll at us. "You guys make me want to kill you. You know what? Fuck you people." He snatches the doll back off Danny's lap and slams out. Danny turns to me. "What was his problem?" "I don't know. Maybe it's his time of the month." Danny and I laugh together like two teenagers at a sleep over.

When we told Harry about what Tom did, he just laughed. "He won't be so tight anymore." He says us after he manages to stop laughing. "Why? What happened?" He puts on a straight face. "I put some of those stool softeners in his tea. The whole box." I vomit into a plant after hearing this, while the other two laughed on the floor. Tom runs by us and slams the bathroom door. We hear him moan and we laugh even harder. "Somebody bring me something to read! I think that I am gonna be in here for a while." Danny is practically unconscious from laughing so hard. Harry runs over with a beer to help revive him. I bring Tom a thick book and tell him that I want a complete book report when he comes out of there. I laughed in his face and shut the door before he could say anything to me.

Goddamn, today has been smashing! I think that the rest of the gang and I have to soak up this epic moment. The smallest things in life seem to give you the greatest pleasure. Have you ever noticed that? Doesn't that strike you as funny? I must go now, Harry has just wheeled a keg into the living room.

-THE KING OF BEERS DOUGIE POYNTER


	26. Chapter 26

INSIDE THE PERVERTED MIND OF DOUGIE POYNTER CHAPTER 26

FRIDAY

Today was such great fun! While Tom was out at circle jerking, Danny and I decided to go out and have a little bit of fun. We went to Harry's favourite store and hid in the bushes with tons of snowballs. Every time that someone left the building we would hit them in the face with a snowball. It was funniest when Harry was on his cell phone and the snowball that I threw hit him in the face, he dropped his cell phone and slipped on a slick patch in the parking lot. The best part of it all was that his ass crushed his cell phone. Personally, I don't think that the person on the other end of the phone noticed anything any different; they were still talking to an asshole.

The day got even better! While Danny was cooking I threw a tennis ball covered with dog shit into the soup that he was making for himself. Thankfully, he had his head in the fridge while I stirred the tennis ball around in the soup making sure that all the dog shit was off of it. I was able to fish the ball out right before he turned around to ask me what I was doing. I gave him an innocent smile and said that I was waiting for him to finish cooking. I, on the other hand,would never eat the fowl concoction anyway, so I did not have to think up an excuse for not eating the soup. Danny enjoyed his soup and said that it was the best soup that he had ever eaten in his life. I told him that it was the special ingredient that I had added for him. He turned slightly green and asked me what I had added to his soup. I grinned and told him that I had added an old tennis ball covered in old dog shit. I enjoyed watching him pass out and the rest of his soup pour onto his lap when his noggin pushed the bowl over.

....

When I heard about Tom getting caught playing with himself I nearly died of laughter! I wish that I could have been there to see his face. Well, there is always next time. But just when I thought that I had gotten enough excitement for one day, I catch word of him shaving his balls his gran walks in on him and catches him in the act. Could this day get any better? I think not…though there is a slight chance of that occurring. The only thing that I want to know is, why he was doing it at his gran's house in the first place?

Well at least Harry learned how to knock. I decided that hairless balls is a good look so I decided to wax mine. I know that I have done this before, but I wanted to do the at- home look. Yes, there is a difference from having it done at the salon and doing it at home. Shaving takes too much time, and I am a busy man. I pulled the first wax strip and nearly died. It felt as if someone had set fire to my nuts. It never felt like this when Tawny did it! Goddamn! I can't go and see her now. I will die of shame if she finds out that I am not man enough to wax myself. Harry hears my cries of pain and knocks on the door. He opens it a crack to see a wax strip laying on the bathroom sink covered in hair. He comes into the room and asks me what I am doing. I tell him that I am trying to wax by balls. He tells me that I am doing it all wrong. That I should go side to side. I try that method and it hurts a lot less…wait! That could only mean one thing. HARRY WAXES HIS BALLS TOO!

As soon as I realise this I pass out cracking my noggin on the bathroom sink on the way down. Thoughts of Harry with his leg up on the counter waxing himself only makes my head ache even worse. I need to start smoking again.

.....

Now that I no longer have a concussion, I can carry out my latest and greatest plan! I came up with this idea when I was watching my new favourite TV show; "Womb Groom". If you have not seen this show, I recommend that you do so at once. I find it rather good. I am going to shave Danny's head and with his hair I shall fashion myself a new pair of underpants. I must get Harry or Tom to assist me with this. Someone needs to hold his ass down, he is a strong little fucker!

I just got off the phone with Harry; he can't help me with my plan; he has yoga classes and he just can't miss it. What the fuck? What is the point of having friends if they go to yoga? I hope that he does not become a granola-eating tree hugger. That would really suck. Danny is headed to church and he asks me if I would like to go along. Seeing that I have nothing better to do with my time, I went with him, and let me tell you, I had a great time.

.....

When I get to the church I really have to take a shit, but Danny has disappeared somewhere so I can't ask him where the bathrooms are. I glance around for a sign or something, and I find them. I thought that indoor porter potties were rather cheap. That is the kind of shit that Tom would pull. I really have to take a shit so I run into one of them and pull down my pants. The first thought that I had was "These seats are great!" And I loved the fact that they had reading material in the bathroom. That is important in my book. Tom knows that I have to have a stack of reading material in my bathroom, and if I don't I will go and take a shit near his bookshelf, where I have reading material. I can't take a shit without reading material…kind of like how Harry cannot swim without his water wings on. I just happen to have a copy of Hustler with me so I do not have to peruse the material that they have here looking for a good article.

So a few minutes go by and I am reading Hustler, then some guy starts talking to me. I yell out, "What the fuck? Don't you have any manners?" Then I notice that there is a little window in one of the sides of the porter Potty. Then the thought creeps into my mind, "what kind of sick fucks, put a window in a porter potty? Fuckin' Japanese…." I don't let that distract me from my work so I finish up to find out that there is no fuckin' toilet paper. Great…Then I remember that little window. I look through it and I yell to the guy next me (yes, the one who interrupted me while I was taking a shit) "Hey? I need some assistance in here." They guy tells me to use the Bible, and that it will help me through all of the problems that I am dealing with. I find the bible sitting right next to me and I am like, " HOT FUCK! PAPER!" I thank the guy, rip out a few sheets of paper and wipe my ass.

All is quiet as I am getting ready to get up and leave. Then the fuckin' door opens and this woman catches me with my pants down around my ankles. She screams and the attention of the whole church is focused on me. I run out of there and Danny is right behind me. He wants to know why I ruined the mass. I tell him that woman needs to learn how to knock and that no man should be interrupted while taking a shit. All the colour drains out of his face. As soon as we get home he informs me that they were not porter potties and that they were confessionals; places where people go to confess what they have done… Really, I don't see a big deal here….there is already a lot of shit floating around in there. After all it is a confessional.

-THE CONFESSIONAL KING, DOUGIE POYNTER


	27. Chapter 27

INSIDE THE PERVERTED MIND OF DOUGIE POYNTER CHAPTER 27

SATURDAY

I have come to the decision that I will become a Catholic priest if the band doesn't work out. I liked the idea of sitting in a confessional, listening to people bitch, punishing them and getting paid to do it all. And you know what the best part of all this is? You don't even need a medical license! The telling people to punish themselves was just another highlight of the job that I fancied very much. I have started my own confessional here in the broom closet.

Danny of course, had to point out all the problems that I have with my plan. "Dougie, you have to be Catholic." I look over at him. "Are you sure that you have to be Catholic? How the fuck do you know that the guy in the booth was Catholic?" "It usually is a job requirement. I don't really know if he was Catholic or not." "So, besides that bullshit that you can't prove, what else is stopping me?" "You need to go through priest school or something and get certified. Kind of like working for the American Red Cross." "The Red Cross?" "Yeah, I read about it in a newspaper article." Why does he have to bring that shit into the conversation? Why can't he just tell me that it's a good idea and that I should go for it? Fuck! At the very least, he should offer me a few pounds to help me get started. I think that he has been hanging around with Tom too much; it is giving him a negative attitude.

"Can't I just take a course on line and become certified?" He scratches his head. "I'm not sure. I don't see why not. Let's have a look, then." He pulls out his laptop and together we search. He punches "Catholic priest training" into the search engine. We wait a few seconds before a zillion pages pop up. "Christ. A popular field, it looks like." I snort at him. "Just pull up a goddamn page." After he closes out all the pop up adds, we find what we are looking for in huge gold letters. "WANT TO BECOME A CATHOLIC PRIEST, BUT DON'T HAVE THE TIME? THEN TAKE THIS SHORT CLASS ONLINE. BECOME CERTIFIED IN 10 MINUTES." Danny sits back in amazement. "I have seen everything now. I thought that you were going to be really disappointed." I should have bet money on this, I'm low and Tom won't give me my allowance. "Move over!" I shove Danny out of the way and sit down at his laptop. "I am gonna get a fancy piece of paper!" Danny looks at me as if I have lost my marbles.

The questions aren't that hard, but I still need to guess on a few of them. How the fuck would I know what to do if someone came up to me and said that he had sex with a nun? Huh? My first answer of "Goddamn! How was she?" Wasn't on the list, so I just had to pick one of the bogus answers that were listed. Other than the occasional guess, I feel I did rather good. I just need to wait for the computer to calculate my score and tell me if I passed or flunked. When the score came back and told me that I passed, I nearly shit myself! I never have been so proud in my life. I feel like Prince Charles right now. Danny looks impressed. "I guess this really is your calling." Is all that he can say. I print out my certificate and dance around the room. I rub it in Tom's face. "Suck on these balls, college boy!" I dance off to show Harry. He squints at the piece of paper. "Where the fuck did you steal that from?" "It's got my name on it." "How did you get the person's name off and put yours on?" Danny steps in. "It's his. He didn't steal it. He earned it." Harry does a double take and looks at us. I look to my left and see Danny nod. "It's true. I saw him take the test." Harry takes a sip of his beer. "Well, then. My apologies. Good job, little tyke." He ruffles my hair and goes back to his sporting event on the TV. I grin at Danny one more time before I run off to go and set up shop.

......

This confessional business is really fuckin' bangin'. I have made a lot of money on this. And, if you can believe it, I had Tom in the other day for a visit. Yes, the master of the Douche Bag Universe came to me to confess his sins. He must see me as the better man now; good. I have put Tom in his proper place. I was sitting in my confessional reading a magazine when there is a knock at the door. "Yes?" "It's me." "I know no one by the name of me." I can practically feel Tom's anger leaking through the door. "It's Tom!" "Oh, then by all means, please come in." He opens the door and steps in. He looks at my attire and gives me a look. I look down at my outfit; I see nothing wrong with wearing his bathrobe as a robe. "You came in here for something, Tom, and I know that it is not because you fancy my attire." He sits down across from me. "Is this really how a confessional looks?" I'm getting a little miffed here. "No. I had to improvise. I didn't have all of that mahogany wood that they have." He nods. "That would have cost a fuckin' fortune." "Did you come here for a chin wag or to confess your sins? Time is money." "Oh, right. Sorry. I came to confess that I masturbated in the kitchen, right where Danny was going to bake his pie. I didn't tell him about it and he started making the dough, where I had been. I still haven't mentioned it to him." I drop my magazine. "What? Are you serious?" He nods. This is the type of gold that I have been waiting for!! "That is pretty fuckin' sick. But, I am not here to judge. So your penance is uh, 20 Hail Mary's and about 8 Our Fathers. Oh, and you have to be Danny's slave for a week." "I thought that you weren't to take sides." "I didn't. If I had taken sides, I would have said something like, you need to tell Danny about what he did, then allow him to jerk off in your oatmeal." "I am so glad that you don't take sides."

....

I caught Danny sitting on top of the washing machine, trying to get himself off. "Danny what the hell are you doing?!" He looks over. "I am trying to get myself off/ THIS FEELS SO GOOD!!" I just stare at him. "Are those my clothes in the washer?" He hops off and looks inside. "I think so." "You were trying to get off with my clothes?!" "Yea-no! It's not like that! I don't know how to put it." I pat him on the back. "It's okay. I did that before. It's the best thing ever, huh?" Danny and I go off to ask Harry if he has ever tried it before.

....

Oh, for the sake of the good Lord in Heaven! Today we went to the fair with my mum, that was not the horrid part. I actually liked hanging out with my mum. I wonder if she ever found out that I never went out with Tawny. Huh. Anyway, Danny and I had a great time playing mini games. I won my mum a giant stuffed animal. She loved it and I did too until she told me that it looks kind of like Danny.

Watching Tom and Danny eat about 12 cotton candies each and barf was one of the highlights of my day. I really had a good time watching them vomit up rainbow colours. It was like a rainbow on the ground! Even my mum laughed at it. "It must be refreshing for you to see people who are dumber than you son." Harry said to my mum. I was going to hit him, but my mum laughed at it. Since when is Harry a goddamn comedian? After that, the day started to go down hill rather quick. Harry was playing a dart game and Tom called him. He turned to ask Tom what he wanted, tossed the dart and accidentally stabbed me in the ass with it. I had to lay on my mum's lap while she held ice on my ass. Danny nearly died of laughter; I really thought that he was going to choke to death, he was laughing so hard. Tom slapped him on the back and they went off to another area of the fair.

After about 10 minutes I am able to get off my mum's lap. "I want to go on the merry-go-round!" Harry turns to me. "How fuckin' old are you?" He asks me. I expect my mum to defend me, but she laughs along with Harry. When did they become friends? I thought that she hated him! "Don't sulk, it is unbecoming. Let's just go ride the merry-go-round. I'm sure that we will find Danny and Tom here." Sure enough, like flies to shit, those two were there waiting in line for their turn. "See? What did I tell you?" My mum looks impressed, but I sure as hell am not. It's our turn to ride the merry-go-round, finally! I get on a horse next to Tom and wait for the ride. Tom looks as if he is having the time of his life. After all the shit that we have seen and done, this is the thing that impresses him the most? The ride starts and to be honest, I am having a brilliant time! This is the most childish fun that I have had in ages! NOTHING CAN BRING ME DOWN!! I'm higher than Elvis! I look over to see if Tom is having as much fun as me. HOLY CHRIST ON A TRICYCLE! I look over out see that Tom has his dick out and he is waving around like a baton. My mum catches and eyeful of Tom. "Shield your eyes, Douglas!" My mum cries and jumps onto the merry-go -round. She shields my eyes. It's not like I haven't seen Tom's junk before. It like living with an amateur porn star.

On the bright side of all this, I will get to see Tom in my confessional later, so I have a chance to make a little more scratch. I am making a fortune on these three motherfuckers alone! Can you imagine if I brought this business to the general public? Holy shit.

-THE CATHOLIC PRIEST OF YOUR NEIGHBOURHOOD DOUGIE POYNTER


	28. Chapter 28

INSIDE THE PERVERTED MIND OF DOUGIE POYNTER CHAPTER 28

SUNDAY

One of the best things in the universe happened to me today! I with Harry watching Danny ride around on his new bicycle. I dunno, why he wanted one, but I am not going to argue with it. It's a hell of a lot safer than a car. Danny was being a douche bag the other day, so Harry decided to get back at him, using his new bike. "Why are you having so much fun watching Danny ride around?" Harry smiles at me. "I gave his bike a tune up." "What did you do?" "Remember how he was being a douche bag yesterday?" I nod to show that I am listening. "Well, I cut the brake lines on his bike." "Harry you didn't!" He nods and smiles proudly. "I did." I am so impressed with Harry that I can't even speak.

Danny gets ready to go down the hill. Harry and I are laughing, but then we realise that he could be seriously hurt. "Danny wait!" He doesn't listen to me. He gives me the finger and starts down the hill. "FUCK!" Harry and I race to the top of the hill. Everything is going all right until he goes to stop. He hits a rock, flips, nails his crotch on the handlebars and lands in the dirt. Harry and I race down the hill to see if he's okay. When we arrive at the scene of the accident he is far from okay; he has cut his ball bag open and he is bleeding all over the ground. My balls ached for him as I took in the sight. "Get help!" He manages to choke out. Harry races up the hill screaming for Tom. It's Sunday, the day that Tom does his beauty routine, so I know that he is going to be pissed off. "What?" I hear him call from the upstairs window. He's got tweezers in one hand; it looks like he has been plucking his eyebrow. Thank God too, I thought that thing was going to crawl off his face and eat me.

"DANNY TORE HIS BALL BAG OPEN!!" Harry shouts. I hear Danny moan on the ground. Poor stupid asshole. Because he wouldn't take the time to listen to me, the whole neighbourhood knows that his ball bag has been ripped open. Harry doesn't have to tell Tom anything more; he's out of the house and down at the scene before you can say 'arrogant cocksucker'. "Holy shit!" Tom says when he sees the extent of the situation. "What is this world meeting headquarters? Call a fuckin' ambulance!" He yells at us, clutching his sac. "Right." Tom takes out his cell phone and makes the call. What the fuck? Tom's phone is like his dick, he never lets it go. Kinda like how Harry still sucks on his mum's tit when he needs extra money. I don't mean that literally, it is just a figure of speech. Harry and I sit on the side of the road, while Tom, on the other hand, wants to get a good look at what happened. He is nearly all the way inside Danny's ball sac, when Harry yells at him. "What the fuck do you think your doing? That's his ball bag, not a vagina!" I nearly die when Harry yells this out. That was one of the funniest things that I have ever heard him say.

About 12 minutes later the ambulance comes for Danny. The guys get out and take a look at him. "Goddamn! Never in my life have I seen anything like this. How about you, Phil?" "Nope. 30 years on the job and I've never seen anything like it, Bill." "Are you going to help him or not?" I finally ask. That seems to draw those two assholes back into reality. "Oh, right! Here we go, lad." They load Danny onto the stretcher while the rest of us watch from the sidelines. Tom tries to get into the back of the ambulance, but they tell him to fuck off. They slam the doors in Tom's face and drive off. Harry and I snicker before Tom rounds on us. "Now what is so goddamn funny?" I have to think of a quick lie. "The whole thing with Danny. I wonder if I can have his bike." "You're too short to reach the peddles." Tom points out. I snort at him. "They have tools you know, asshole. I can have the seat adjusted so I can reach." "Or you can ride with platform heals on." Harry suggests. I don't have time to be running around looking for the perfect pair of heels, so I will take the bike in for a tune up!

I carry the bike to the garden shed and wash the blood off the handle bars. This really is a fuckin' piece of ass, this bike. I really fancy the thing. I'll take it out on a date for Christ's sake, I love it that much. I'm polishing the bike when Harry leans against the doorway. "Do you spend this much time polishing your own handlebar?" I turn at him. "That is for me to know and not for you. Hey, where did Tom go?" "He went to a spa." Huh? I don't think that I could have possibly heard that fuckin' sentence correctly. "He went where?" "To the spa. He wanted to get a pedicure." Holy fuckin' Joseph on stilts. Now I have heard everything. And I mean it this time. I never get tired of saying that line.

.....

Harry and I are watching the Special Olympics, as there is nothing else on. "What is the fuckin' point of having like a million channels if everything on them is shit?" Harry shrugs. "Fuck. I dunno. Maybe because those TV assholes like to blind you with the amount of stuff you get. Then while you are blinded by that they can fuck you in the ass a little harder and steal your wallet." I have never heard such a great theory in my life. Harry must have been Aristotle in a past life. "I wonder when Tom's gonna get back." "Yeah, I know! He probably won't be much longer. After all, all his friends are competing in the games!" Harry laughs with me. "Uh, Dougie, we are Tom's friends too." I think for a moment. "That's right. But we are also his roommates, so we don't count under the friend category." Harry and I laugh even harder. "You are so smart, Dougie!" "Damn straight."

The door swings open and it's Danny. "Back so soon? How the fuck did you get here?" "I got a ride." He hobbles in on his crutches. He catches a glimpse of what we are watching. "Hey! Is that Tom on the telly?" Harry and I turn out attention to the set. "By Jove! It does look like Tom!" Sure enough, there is a moron on the set that looks like Tom. "Wow! I didn't know that Tom had a twin." Now there is a sin for ya. I thought that one Tom was bad enough, but two? I'd never get any peace, He nags me enough now, just think if there were two of him around?! I would probably place a gun to my head.

Danny manoeuvres over to us and flops on the sofa. "Oh, hey. What happened to my bike?" I don't want to tell him that I coveted it, then I actually stole it. Yeah, I learned what the word covet meant when Tom made me do Bible assignments. "Dougie took it and brought it out to your shed." Harry doesn't say anything else. I am thankful, that for the first time in his life Harry used his head for more than a hat rack. "That was nice of you." Danny says to me and turns to watch the tv set. I can't believe that he didn't ask me what I wanted from him or what I was up to. It was a nice feeling not to have a grand inquisition, even though in all reality, I wasn't doing anything nice for him. Fuck it! Let him think that I was being St. Andrew. "I really think that guy is Tom." Danny says in between mouthfuls of popcorn. Harry nods. "I wonder if he has that same rash that Tom does." I don't want to hear this shit. Danny vomits over the side of the sofa, before Harry can continue. I've got the same thought as Danny. I vomit over the side of the floor. "Bloody hell. I'd better go and get my waders if I have to clean up this mess." He disappears, leaving Danny and I at our puke fest. When he returns, he is wearing knee high rubber boots, has a mop, a bucket and an industrial-sized thing of cleaner.

A second after the mop makes contact with the floor, Tom comes into the house. "What is all this?" "Uh, Danny and Dougie were sick. I think they'll be all right." I guess Tom wasn't the guy who was trying to eat a whole watermelon on the tv. Such a disappointment. I was gonna tell everybody that I know that one of my mates was in the Olympics. Another dream out the window because of Tom, I suppose.

....

I was l listening to Marilyn Manson when Tom slams into my room. "What is all that mindless noise you are listening to?" I look up from my desk. "It's called music. You know, the shit we play?" "This is not music! It is just a bunch of profanity being shouted over a lot of noise." Tom doesn't understand anything. Maybe if he pulled his head out if his ass, he would know that times are a changin' and there are many new styles of music. "Turn it off, I'm trying to write in the next room over." "No! Put your headphones on or something." Tom looks like a puffer fish when he gets really angry. He's reaching that point about now. "Either you turn that shit off or I will." "You did not just call my music shit!" "Yes, I did. I called it what it is." "Suck on my balls Tom, I'm not turning it off." He snorts and hits the load button on my stereo. "What the fuck do you think you are doing?" "I told you. I'm gonna turn it off because you wont." "You know that I will just put it back on as soon as you leave the room." Tom hadn't thought of that.

"I'll make sure that doesn't happen." "How are you gonna do that, scrotum stain?" He doesn't answer me; he just takes the CD out of the drive. "What are you doing?!" I yell at him. He doesn't answer me, He holds the CD over his head and snaps it in two. I'm so mad that I see rainbow. I jump out of my chair and grab him by the throat. "You fuckin' piece of vermin! You're gonna replace that!!" Harry hears the commotion and races to see what's going on. He pulls me off Tom and holds me back. Tom gasps for air and I kick at him. "You could have killed me!" "I don't give a flying fuck! You're gonna replace my CD!" "What's all this about?" I wiggle free from Harry's grip and Tom looks afraid. "That fuckin' cock-block over there broke my CD because he didn't want to listen to it." "Tom, that was a shitty thing to do." "Fine. I will buy him a new goddamn CD here. Okay? Is everybody happy here?" Harry looks pleased. "Yeah. That sounds good. Doesn't it Dougie?" "Tom can stick it." I snort. "I'm not Mother Teresa, I can't do everything." Tom says. "Yeah. Mother Teresa isn't a fat ass who goes around breaking other people's CDs." Tom lunges at me, but Harry holds him back.

Tom tries to get at me, but Harry has a firm grip on him. I stick my tongue out at Tom and pull my pants down. "Kiss it!" Tom is going completely bonkers. Harry is going to lose his grip on him soon, so I'd better quit while I'm ahead. "Later." I dash out of my room and into Danny's. He's not home, so I know I won't be bothered with questions. Harry drags Tom out of my room. He's snorting like a bull and it knocking over stuff in the hall. I'd better call the vet and tell them that my pet has gone crazy and needs to be taken care of.

-THE ANIMAL ACTIVIST ON YOUR STREET, DOUGIE POYNTER


	29. Chapter 29

INSIDE THE PERVERTED MIND OF DOUGIE POYNTER CHAPTER 29

MONDAY

I need a vacation from these assholes. I went to talk to Tom about him using my toothbrush when I saw a horrific sight. I caught him reading to his fuckin' teddy bear! You heard me correctly. He was sitting on the floor, cross-legged reading Hans Christian Anderson to his bear. "And the little mermaid cried. Oh, don't cry Mr. Bumpkins." Jesus! How old is this ass stain? Mr. Bumpkins. HA HA HA HA HA. I don't know what I can do with that except laugh. I called Danny over to take a look. Since he is still on crutches. I had to help him, but it was well worth it. "What in the name of the Prime Minister's knickers is he doing?" "I believe that he is reading kiddie stories to his bear." Danny nearly tips over on his crutches. "If he slips that thing the tongue, I am outta here." I nearly piss myself.

We are doubled up with silent laughter when the door opens. Tom stands in the doorway an eyes us. "What are you two dolts doing?" I manage to put on a straight face. "We wanted to see if you wanted to watch an Adam Sandler movie with us." Tom narrows his eyes. "Is that all?" We nod. "Yeah. So, how about it?" "Give me a moment." He shuts the door and we resort to looking through the keyhole. He's got that goddamn bear and he's dancing around the room with it. "They invited me along! They didn't act like assholes! I guess that I am really getting through to them!" He kisses the bear and Danny flips over. He's sprawled out on the ground with his crutches on top of him when Tom re-opens his door. "What now?" "I fell. It is quite hard to balance on these things. We all weren't in the circus like Dougie was." Huh? I was never in the circus. I enjoyed going when I was a little lad, but I have never been in a show myself. I know!! I shall become a circus man next. My confessional thing didn't really work out all that well. It's not that I wasn't a good priest. Apparently, some asshole called the Vatican and told them what I was doing. They didn't think that I was practising in the correct manor and if I didn't stop they would send someone out to take care of me.

Can you imagine that?! The Vatican sending out hit-men because they don't like the way that I conduct business. Who made them an authority on things like this? How can they claim to know what God wants? I don't think that they know. If I was doing something wrong, I think that God would have told me. He usually tells me when I fuck things up. And no, he doesn't come down and smack me in the head and say, "DOUGLAS! You fucked up again!" That would be nice, then I wouldn't have so much room to put in my own take on things.

.....

We were stuck watching a film with Tom. Have you ever tried to watch something with him? He likes to talk through the lull in action. He'd be great in war. Send him over there to talk to the people when things got dull. I guarantee that the war would rap up rather quickly; they wouldn't want him sitting around yacking at them about hair care products and such. Wars wouldn't last years, they would last hours at max with him around. I bet they would kill him and then go celebrate by going out for cocktails together.

If Tom ever saw that I wrote that he would beat me with a rod. Kind of like his mum when she found out about his boyfriend. That was a great day. I never laughed so hard before in my life. I thought that my spleen was going to explode. She grabbed him by his ear and yanked him into the house. The rest of the gang and I raced to the windows to listen. "THOMAS MICHAEL FLETCHER, WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT HE IS YOUR BOYFRIEND?!" Her 'punishing rod' flies across his ass and I have to hold onto Danny for support. "Goddamn is that rich!" We snicker at the window and wait for Tom to come up with an excuse. He had been taking my lying lessons, so he should be able to pull it off. "He's just a friend that is a guy. You know the new lingo these days, 'he's my boyfriend.' It in no way means that we are having a sexual relation." I see his mum sigh with relief. "That's good. I thought that I had to break out the really big stick." Tom looks relieved. The really big stick? Holy fuck! That thing is like 12 feet long! I'm glad that my mum doesn't have one of those.

Tom's mum likes his new girlfriend, though. I guess I won't see another Mrs. Fletcher smack down. It's a shame; I really am a big fan of her. I think that she should go do American wrestling. She could make even the great Hulk Hogan back down. That would be a thing to see! I would become a high-roller in that game if she ever got into the ring. I will be sure to ask her about it. I won't mention it to Tom though. He would go fuckin' insane if he knew I was asking his mum to wrestle. No, not wrestle with me! Don't even go there; that's Danny's calling card, not mine.

.....

Today Danny came home with a suspicious looking package under his arm. "What's in the package?" "None of your fucking business." I'm surprised that he says this to me; usually we are totally buddy-buddy. He must seem my face because he says, "Sorry. I didn't mean to say it like that. I just didn't want Tom to hear that I got a package." "Can you tell me what it is?" "No. It's not for you, so don't even ask." What kind of a mate does he think I am? "Later." He carries the package up to his room and closes the door.

Goddamn, it's killing me not knowing what's in the package. I need to go and look before I kill myself or something. I race to Danny's door and look through the key hole. My eye nearly gets caught in the keyhole when I see what he's doing. He bought a Valley Girl Fitness Pole. So in another words, it's a bloody strip pole. I'm popping a boner just thinking about it. Not literally, but you know what I mean. I wonder if he's got a woman hidden in there. I watch excitedly, waiting to see what goes on. He takes his clothes off and he is standing in his boxers looking at the pole. Now I am sure that he has got a woman in there.

He rips his boxers off and walks towards the pole. What the fuck is going on here?! He climbs on the pole, goes upside down and slides down it. I melt into a puddle on the floor. Where did he learn to dance like that? He looks like a professional to me. You don't pick up those moves by watching a Michael Jackson music video; he has done this before. I manage to pull myself together to race off to get Tom. He is sitting playing a video game when I race over to him. "What's the goddamn emergency this time?" "Tom you have to see this! Danny has a strip pole!" Tom drops the controller. "He's got a what?" "A pole!" I dash out of the room with Tom on my heels. We have a silent fight at the keyhole to figure out who would get to look first. I won because I poked him in the eye. Cheap, I know, but I wanted to look first. After all, I am the one who discovered it. I am the Christopher Columbus of this historical event.

I peer in and find him getting freaky with himself. He's covered in baby oil and he is going full force on that pole. Is he doing an audition tape for a porn flick? I hope not, then I wouldn't be able to add that one to my collection. I have about 500,000 DVDs. And those are just the DVDs! Even Tom admires my collection. Tom feels that I have had my fair share of time at the keyhole and pushes me out of the way. Move it! He looks through the keyhole and I see the look of shock on his face. "He's covered in baby oil." He whispers. "I know. I would have done it in chocolate." I whisper back. He whacks me. "Be serious here!" Be serious? All we are doing is spying on Danny, it's not like we are on a mission like James Bond. That would be awesome though.

"He's coming!" Tom and I dash away from the door and make it look like we were trying to hang a picture in the hall. "Are you sure that it would look good there, Tom?" "Yeah, I do. Who the fuck do you think you are? Did you go to interior design school?" Danny comes out, thankfully he has got some clothes on. "What's going on?" "We are hanging a picture and Dougie, as usual, is not wanting to coperate with me." Danny rolls his eyes. "Keep me out of it. I'm gonna go take a shower. I just had a really good work out." Tom has to put his hand over my mouth to keep me from laughing. "Go ahead then." Danny heads off to the bathroom and Tom lets go of my mouth. "Thanks for that one." "Don't mention it." Tom and I have witchcraft tonight, so it's good to know that he's not pissed off at me. I don't want him to turn me into a frog or something.

....

Harry wanted to borrow my French tickler for his date tonight. Like fuck I am going to let him borrow that! That is my first love, sorry gals. He got all cunty and said, "Fine. I'll just go ask Tom if I can borrow his." I drop my soda and spill it all over my new carpet. I can't even find words to reply to that. The thought of Tom having a French tickler makes me want to kill myself. That is a truly repulsing thought. Who bought him one? I don't think that he would go and buy one for himself. Danny wouldn't do it, because he has morals and Harry...well, that is just not like him to do something like that. I don't think that he has even been in a sex store. He likes to keep his private life private. That's just fine with me. One less over-sexed asshole crowding the store.

Harry and I are going thrifting tomorrow. It is going to be a great day for bargain hunting; I can feel it in my wallet. I best go and get my beauty rest, I want to be at my sharpest. Maybe I can find some porn star's used thong. That would kill Harry. I will make it my goal to find a porn star's used thong. And if I fancy the girl who was wearing it, I will hang it on my wall in a glass case. Why not? Danny's got his football jockstrap on the wall! Why shouldn't I be able to have a thong? I see no issue with it. Then I can charge the other guys to come in and admire it. I am really brilliant. It's a shame that I didn't go to college. I have the feeling that I would have done rather well. I might have even gotten better marks than Tom. Okay, not that good, but good. I think I will look at the possibilities of enrolment; I will do that after I look at the highlights of being a circus performer.

-The hottest guy on the tightrope with a thong, Dougie Poynter


	30. Chapter 30

INSIDE THE PERVERTED MIND OF DOUGIE POYNTER CHAPTER 30

TUESDAY

Holy Christ on a crutch. Do you really need to wonder why no one takes America seriously? I just saw on the telly that today in Washington D.C they were handing out boxes of Presidential M&Ms! Fucking M&Ms people! Goddamn. What are they going to hand out next? Lollipops with his fuckin' face on them? That is one sweet treat that I will be passing, thank you. Either president. Bush or Obama. Would you really like to lick on either one of those faces? I didn't think so. I don't have anything against either of these men personally, but Jesus. What would we say if the Queen wanted to put her face on a box of Whoppers? I don't care either way, but it would just be a little awkward. Can you imagine popping a sweet with her staring at you? I don't think I would ever eat another treat again. It's not that I don't like her, she just reminds me of my grandmother. America. HA HA HA. I like the place, but I would never live here. It's all too 'look at me I'm an asshole!' I guess it is all a part of the American dream.

Danny on the other hand liked the idea of having the country's leader on a lollipop. "I would love to see Prime Minister James Brown's face on one. Though, I am a Tony Blair man myself." Since when does he know shit about politics? Did he become a political scientist when I wasn't looking? It wouldn't surprise me. There is a lot of bullshit that goes on in this house that I am unaware of. He goes on to tell me who else he would like to see featured on sweets; his ideas range from Madonna to Jackie Chan. What kind of a fuckin' sick fantasy world does he live in?

.....

Danny's new girlfriend is all fur coat and no knickers. And fuckin' Ringo Star over there (Danny) thinks that she is the greatest thing since vibrating panties. Seriously, she is as shallow as a puddle. All looks no brains. That bothers me and I don't know why. His last woman was like that, Amy....maybe I don't like women like that because I got stuck in her. The world may never know. I don't even know myself. At least she is better than Harry's girlfriend. Remember her? How could you forget a set of choppers like that? It's burned into my memory; If only I could have remembered math formulas like that. Too late now! It's not I ever use maths. Now I have really gotten off the topic at hand. Tom says that I have ADD and I think that he may be right about that.

Back to the issue at hand. I need to get rid of her and find Danny a woman with substance; a woman that he can really have a good time with. I just don't mean sex, he's had enough of that this month. He's had enough of that to last him a lifetime. I wonder if you could get a lifetime supply of sex? Damn it! There I go again, getting away from the topic at hand. "Danny, what do you like about Sam?" "I like that fact that her headlights are really big." "Nothing else?" Mr. Shallow man; maybe he is better off with her. "And I like the fact that she is great in bed. Plus, she has her daddy's credit card, so I don't have to buy her a lot of shit." If that isn't a good enough reason to hold onto a girl than I don't know was. I guess I will leave them alone. If things become shitty, I will be forced to take his love life into my hand. Oh, God. I sounded like Tom there. Screw that; I'll let Tom step in and play Jerry Springer. He likes role playing. The other day he role played as Hitler. I thought that it was a really convincing role; not much acting needed on his part. I didn't tell him that though, the bowler hat he had was scary enough without his face underneath it.

....

While I was out with Harry at the thrift store, he found the most sickest thing that I have ever seen in my life. He found a tobacco scented air-freshener. And be bought it. HE BOUGHT IT!!! Just what I wanted to freshen up the house; it's bad enough that it reeks like testosterone, sex and aftershave. Goddamn! I bet the neighbours are gonna declare our house a level five biohazard. My room smells like lilacs. No, I am not gay. Harry is so proud over the air-freshener, you'd have thought that he gave birth to the thing. Nothing would surprise me these days.

"I'll be over here if you need me." Harry tells me and he wanders off in another direction. Like I want to know where the fuck he is gonna be. I'd rather get my balls caught in the car door. I'm diggin' through the used clothes bin when I find some gold. I find the perfect lace thong. OH MY GOD! It looks like the one that Brittany Spears used in her "Gimme More" music video! This is a keeper; this is even better than the porn star thong goal that I had. I have exceeded that goal, if you ask me. I also find a great pair of baggy jeans. Lots of room in the crotch. I'm at the counter paying for my stuff when Harry comes up behind me. "Why are you getting those jeans? They are like 5 sizes too big for you." I pay and take my bag from the woman. "What, Harry?" "Those pants are way too big for you! What possessed you to buy them? "Well, I like a lot of room in the crotch." "Why?" Must I explain everything to these people? "Well, I don't want to be tasting denim where no one should ever be tasting denim. Do you follow me?" Harry shakes his head no. Bloody hell! "I don't want to the denim rubbing on my sac. If it gets hot enough it could start a fire. And no one wants to accidentally set their balls on fire when jogging down the street." "You're fucked up! Can that really happen?" "Yep. I've seen it with my own two eyes." Harry races in to see if he can get a good deal on some baggy pants. Okay, so I lied. Nothing new there. I never have seen it a guy's ball bag burst into flame when he was runnin' down the road. It could happen though!

Harry comes out a few minutes later with a huge pile of baggy pants. He's wearing a new pair, too. "You look like 50 Cent." "Thanks! Now my balls won't catch on fire." I can't believe that he actually took me seriously. If it was Danny he would want to test out my theory, and Tom, well, he would tell me to get fucked. Speaking of fucked, Danny is off his crutches! Did I forget to mention that before? Oh, hell's bells. He's moving like lighting now; I think that being on crutches has given him super speed. I think that I would like to use crutches. Yeah. That way when I get off of them I will have super speed and I would be able to annoy Tom on a whole new level.

"Hey, Harry, want to break my leg for me?" "Not right now. How about we do it tomorrow during Nascar? That way we can make it look like an accident." He makes a good point, I don't want it to look suspicious. "Won't Tom get mad if we are fucking around? He likes to watch his soaps during that time." Harry snorts. "Soap Opera man can take a chill pill. He won't catch us. If he does, well, then I'll think of something." That makes me feel oodles better. The guy who can't figure out that I was kidding about ball sacs bursting into flame, is going to come up with a lie that can fool Tom? I'd like to see that happen.

.....

Danny is acting like a wank-off, but he won't tell me what's going on. I don't want to ask either. I don't want him to give me an ass whoopin'. "Wanna watch a movie?" Danny asks, heading into the living room. I don't see an issue with that, but I want to pick the movie. He always wants to watch shit. "Sure. Can we watch Titanic?" Danny nearly fell over when he heard this. "Since when are you a fan of sappy movies?" he asked, a large grin on his face. "I dunno. I just am in the mood for a good story…and some nudity." Danny looked through the shelf of movies. "Hmmm. We don't seem to have that one." "I HAVE IT!" And I was down the stairs to get the movie before Danny could even look up. 0.0 "Wow. I guess he really likes that movie. I'm back and putting the DVD into the player when Danny walks into the room with a large bowl of popcorn. "That was fast."

"Yum…Kate Winslet." I'm was pressed up against the TV set. He set the popcorn bowl down on the table next to him and settled down the enjoy the movie. Danny begins to doze off. How can he sleep through this? It has all the elements of life! And it's as cold as a witch's tit in a brass bra. I look over at the thermostat. Tom has that thing under lock and key. I guess there is no hope of turning the heat on. I guess that I will have to warm up by laying across him. Goddamn, he is like a little space heater. I think that I will have him sleep with me tonight. NOT LIKE THAT! Christ. It's gonna be cold tonight, and I don't want to freeze my dick off. I might need it this weekend. I snuggle up to Danny, surprised that he hasn't noticed that I'm on top of him.

"What the fuck man?" Danny asks in shock. Finally he notices that I am on him. It's only been about 45 minutes. I'm glad that he is up on the uptake. "Hmm? Oh, the popcorn was over on the table and I didn't feel like holding it. I have been laying on you for, like, the past 45 minutes. You said nothing then. Wow! You are really warm!" I snuggled up to Danny. I'm not phased at all and I continue eating popcorn and enjoying the movie.

Before Danny could say anything the door swung open and Tom got an eyeful of the scene on the couch. "ARGH! What the fuck is going on here?!" He asked still standing in the doorway, eyes wide in shock. "We were just watching a movie. And it was cold so I leaned up against Danny." Like it is any of his goddamn business. "You haven't heard of a blanket?" I shake my head. "Nope." "What's with you, Danny? You look awful!" "Me? I just have a slight cold." He says rubbing his eyes with his shirtsleeve. "Whatever. I just wanted to see if you guys wanted to head out with Harry and me." I shake my head. "Nah. I'm good here. I have another movie that I want to watch." "What movie? The Notebook?" Tom snickered at his own comment. "Yeah. How did you know? Did you watch it last night?" The smile slides off Tom's face and hits the floor. "Ah…okay. So, Danny are you in?" "No. I'm just going to stay home and relax. " "Okay. I'll catch you guys later. Have fun. And make sure that you have protection." He slides out the door before either of us can make a remark.

"Protection? Danny, I didn't know that you owned a gun!" I hop off Danny's lap and put in the DVD. I love fucking with people. Well, I must go, I really fancy this movie. Until later!

-TICKET MASTER DOUGIE POYNTER


End file.
